Even if I tried,
Even if I lied to you,
It wouldn't make it any better,
Well now, even if I lose,
The one that I would choose would be you,
Said I'm waiting for you, and I'm waiting to know you,
But I don't even understand myself,
So don't ask me why, don't ask me why
- The Calling, When It All Falls Down
*****
Even if I lied to you,
It wouldn't make it any better,
Well now, even if I lose,
The one that I would choose would be you,
Said I'm waiting for you, and I'm waiting to know you,
But I don't even understand myself,
So don't ask me why, don't ask me why
- The Calling, When It All Falls Down
*****
Happiness is a choice. I believe that. Firmly. I really do. But I also believe that sometimes, things get too heavy. Sometimes, the walls that you built for yourself crack and fall, just a tiny little bit. And then, "Fake it 'til you make it." doesn't work so well anymore. It's easy to throw a lot of things away. It's easy to let some things bounce off you. To let things slide. To tell yourself "He didn't mean anything by it, it was just a moment of tactlessness. People have those." Or to believe that "It's okay. It's okay. They needed it more than I did." Sometimes you can even get yourself to fall for the "I'll be here no matter what because they/he/she needs me."
But sometimes, sometimes, you have to open your eyes, and see the truth. And sometimes, it isn't pleasant. He did mean it that way. They didn't need it, they just took it to spite you. And no, they/he/she doesn't/don't need you. And then, pretty much all bets are off. Sometimes, for all your pretty ideas and romantic fantasies. No matter how strong you may be, how stubbornly you can cling to your ideals, it just isn't enough. Sometimes. You just fail.
It's easy to be strong. And noble. And brave. It's easy to have ideals and dreams and hopes when you have a reason. When you have something that waits for you at the end of the road. Something that you want so fiercely. But sometimes, that thing disappears. Or you realise, you don't really want it. Or maybe you just can't have it no matter how hard you try. Then it's not so easy to be strong or noble or brave. It's not so easy to hold true to your ideals, or hold on to your hopes and dreams.
If there's anything I've learned these past five months. It's that life is not easy. The plan is easy. The plan is always easy. Knowing the steps is easy. But taking them is hard. Moving forward is hard. I live my life, for people. To care about people, to protect people. But have you ever watched one of those comedies where the hero comes rushing in to find that the people took care of themselves and never needed him at all? That'd be me.
I'm not an attention-whore. I'm not. Maybe I have an ego. Maybe I'm peransanted. But I'm not an attention-whore. But I want to be needed. There's no point fighting for anything, protecting anything, being strong for anything if they don't and never did need you. But heroes don't give up. They don't back down, and they don't stop just because things get ugly.
If there's anything I've learned from all the stupid comics I've read, and anime I've watched, it's that heroes refuse to fall. But I've learned something else recently.
I'm not a hero.
There's no damsel in distress waiting for me to rescue her. No burning building, no big bad guy to knock around. All my words, all my "I believe in you" and "Don't give up" and "It'll be okay." They don't mean anything to anyone. I don't have the power to make everything okay. I don't have the power to make anything okay. All I can do is be here, all I can do is try to be here. But it's kind of like standing next to someone who doesn't notice you. Every so often they'll turn and go "Oh, you're still here?" but apart from that, you may as well be invisible.
I'm tired. I really am. I'm not a hero. Nobody needs a hero. And nobody wants a hero wannabe. I can't be perfect like those heroes. Can't be perfect like, Edward Cullen, can't be self-sacrificing like Spiderman, can't be pure and just all the time like Superman. All I can be is me and it's never enough. And I'm tired of not being enough. I'm tired of never being good enough, or macho enough, or smart enough, or mature enough, or responsible enough, or good looking enough. I'm sick and tired of it.
Right now, I don't want to try anymore. I want to just hide away from everyone forever. Or at least until I'm good and ready. Until I'm sure I can stand on my own without anyone ever. I don't want to play hero anymore. I've met my Kryptonite, my Venom, my whatever-it-is-that-kills-vampires-in-Twilight. And I just can't do it anymore. Right now, it'd be easy to give up and just..die. Just let every part of me that ever yearned for heroism disappear. Let whatever is noble in me die and just be me. Forget about everyone else. Become just like everyone else and care only about myself.
But inside, where it matters, I know I can't. I know that when I wake up tomorrow, I'm going to start hoping again. I know that the second I open my eyes, I'm going to think about whoever it is that needs me. I'm going to steel myself again and get ready to be who I want to be, to do everything I can to be that hero. Because that's who I am, a stubborn idiot who doesn't know when to give up.
My Pastor's wife (Sarah) said to me today while we were playing Taboo: "Relax, it's just a game. You're such a typical 17-year-old."
My neighbour (Andrew) replied her: "I don't think he's anything like a typical 17-year-old."
It's things like that which give me strength. I'm different. I'm special. I'm worth something. I know all this. I know that if I keep at it, someday I'll be a hero to at least one person. Someday I'll mean something, I'll be great. I know I will.
But for tonight. I'm tired. And I don't have anything left to give. So I'll put aside the cape (metaphorically speaking, I don't actually own a cape) and cowl (neither do I own a cowl) for tonight. Because tonight? It's too much. I just can't handle it anymore. Tonight, I get to be weak. Tonight I get to hurt and cry and not feel guilty. Just for tonight, I won't worry about if she's hurting. I won't worry about how to protect her. Or how do I make it up to that person. I won't worry about how to cheer her up, or why she's upset.
Tonight, I get to be weak.
Just for tonight, I'll let myself hurt and wallow and cry.
Just for tonight, I'm no hero.
I'm no hero...
Jared
But sometimes, sometimes, you have to open your eyes, and see the truth. And sometimes, it isn't pleasant. He did mean it that way. They didn't need it, they just took it to spite you. And no, they/he/she doesn't/don't need you. And then, pretty much all bets are off. Sometimes, for all your pretty ideas and romantic fantasies. No matter how strong you may be, how stubbornly you can cling to your ideals, it just isn't enough. Sometimes. You just fail.
It's easy to be strong. And noble. And brave. It's easy to have ideals and dreams and hopes when you have a reason. When you have something that waits for you at the end of the road. Something that you want so fiercely. But sometimes, that thing disappears. Or you realise, you don't really want it. Or maybe you just can't have it no matter how hard you try. Then it's not so easy to be strong or noble or brave. It's not so easy to hold true to your ideals, or hold on to your hopes and dreams.
If there's anything I've learned these past five months. It's that life is not easy. The plan is easy. The plan is always easy. Knowing the steps is easy. But taking them is hard. Moving forward is hard. I live my life, for people. To care about people, to protect people. But have you ever watched one of those comedies where the hero comes rushing in to find that the people took care of themselves and never needed him at all? That'd be me.
I'm not an attention-whore. I'm not. Maybe I have an ego. Maybe I'm peransanted. But I'm not an attention-whore. But I want to be needed. There's no point fighting for anything, protecting anything, being strong for anything if they don't and never did need you. But heroes don't give up. They don't back down, and they don't stop just because things get ugly.
If there's anything I've learned from all the stupid comics I've read, and anime I've watched, it's that heroes refuse to fall. But I've learned something else recently.
I'm not a hero.
There's no damsel in distress waiting for me to rescue her. No burning building, no big bad guy to knock around. All my words, all my "I believe in you" and "Don't give up" and "It'll be okay." They don't mean anything to anyone. I don't have the power to make everything okay. I don't have the power to make anything okay. All I can do is be here, all I can do is try to be here. But it's kind of like standing next to someone who doesn't notice you. Every so often they'll turn and go "Oh, you're still here?" but apart from that, you may as well be invisible.
I'm tired. I really am. I'm not a hero. Nobody needs a hero. And nobody wants a hero wannabe. I can't be perfect like those heroes. Can't be perfect like, Edward Cullen, can't be self-sacrificing like Spiderman, can't be pure and just all the time like Superman. All I can be is me and it's never enough. And I'm tired of not being enough. I'm tired of never being good enough, or macho enough, or smart enough, or mature enough, or responsible enough, or good looking enough. I'm sick and tired of it.
Right now, I don't want to try anymore. I want to just hide away from everyone forever. Or at least until I'm good and ready. Until I'm sure I can stand on my own without anyone ever. I don't want to play hero anymore. I've met my Kryptonite, my Venom, my whatever-it-is-that-kills-vampires-in-Twilight. And I just can't do it anymore. Right now, it'd be easy to give up and just..die. Just let every part of me that ever yearned for heroism disappear. Let whatever is noble in me die and just be me. Forget about everyone else. Become just like everyone else and care only about myself.
But inside, where it matters, I know I can't. I know that when I wake up tomorrow, I'm going to start hoping again. I know that the second I open my eyes, I'm going to think about whoever it is that needs me. I'm going to steel myself again and get ready to be who I want to be, to do everything I can to be that hero. Because that's who I am, a stubborn idiot who doesn't know when to give up.
My Pastor's wife (Sarah) said to me today while we were playing Taboo: "Relax, it's just a game. You're such a typical 17-year-old."
My neighbour (Andrew) replied her: "I don't think he's anything like a typical 17-year-old."
It's things like that which give me strength. I'm different. I'm special. I'm worth something. I know all this. I know that if I keep at it, someday I'll be a hero to at least one person. Someday I'll mean something, I'll be great. I know I will.
But for tonight. I'm tired. And I don't have anything left to give. So I'll put aside the cape (metaphorically speaking, I don't actually own a cape) and cowl (neither do I own a cowl) for tonight. Because tonight? It's too much. I just can't handle it anymore. Tonight, I get to be weak. Tonight I get to hurt and cry and not feel guilty. Just for tonight, I won't worry about if she's hurting. I won't worry about how to protect her. Or how do I make it up to that person. I won't worry about how to cheer her up, or why she's upset.
Tonight, I get to be weak.
Just for tonight, I'll let myself hurt and wallow and cry.
Just for tonight, I'm no hero.
I'm no hero...
Jared
*****
I can't stand to fly,
I'm not that naive,
I'm just out to find,
The better part of me,
It may sound absurd, but don't be naive,
Even heroes have the right to bleed,
I may be disturbed, but won't you concede,
Even heroes have the right to dream
- Five For Fighting, Superman
I'm not that naive,
I'm just out to find,
The better part of me,
It may sound absurd, but don't be naive,
Even heroes have the right to bleed,
I may be disturbed, but won't you concede,
Even heroes have the right to dream
- Five For Fighting, Superman
2 comments:
Everyone tries to be more than they are, especially for that one person who you try the hardest for, you walk the extra mile for, you crawl just a little further for. But it's never easy. I guess, some people know that, they understand. Or they may not. But that's not your fault, nothing you can do. The best anyone can ever do, is try their best. And when things overwhelm you, the least you deserve is a night to cry, and wallow and be hurt, and just let go. You deserve it.
Keep smiling, and trying. :)
Jared, bro... somehow, I don't think the issue is "not good / smart / whatever enough". In your case, I suspect it's "TOO smart..." etc.
Besides, what's wrong with being typical when we can? Even superman does a clark kent. We can't keep it up for long, but still...
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