Bleh

You with the sad eyes,
Don't be discouraged,
Though I realise,
It's hard to take courage,
In a world full of people,
You can lose sight of it all,
And the darkness there inside you makes you feel so small,

- Eva Cassidy, True Colours

*****

Today was a bleh day. It was completely just... bleh. It wasn't a bad day in and of itself. But it's one of those sorts of things where it only takes like one bad thing to make everything else seem crappy too? Yeah. Nothing overly terrible happened. But after a brief altercation with my father, everything just seemed to go downhill. Just one of those days where you lose all motivation to do anything. I spent today laying in bed re-watching Season 1 of Gilmore Girls. Haha. I really need to go out and buy Season 3. Bleh.

I remember before, days like this would seem like the end of the world. But it seems like I was such a different person back then. I used to revel in being miserable. Sure it wasn't an exactly pleasant feeling, but haven't you ever heard someone say that "it hurts so good?" I mean yeah, I just got caught up in the drama and romanticism of the whole "broken heart" bit. But truthfully that's not who I am anymore. I mean yes, today was a pretty crappy day. And I feel very very crappy at this moment. But I know that I won't be feeling this way always. I've been flipping awesome for weeks. This is just a little speed bump.

I've had "choose to be happy" told to me a lot. And yeah, I can see how it helps. I mean in most situations I can just ignore unhappy feelings and focus on being happy. And that makes me a better person as on the whole. I mean, not letting things get you down can't be a bad thing, right? There are situations however, where you're simply unable to react any other way. Such as when the other party gets SO pissed of at something so trivial, or something that you couldn't have done any differently. It sort of just gets you down and demoralizes you, if only for the day.

Really, I had a terrible day today. But that's okay I have another one tomorrow. Hopefully it'll be better. I hate this feeling but I know that it's just temporary. That being said I still feel very crappy as of right now.

I swear, if anyone tells me to be happy, I'm going to sucker punch them in the face. This is one of those times a significant other comes in handy to cheer you up and have someone to talk to. But that's neither here nor there. And the added stress just ain't worth it in the long run anyways.

Ugh.

That's it for tonight.

Jared

*****

I see your true colours shining through,
I see your true colours,
That's why I love you,
So don't be afraid,
To let them show,
Your true colours,
True colours,
Are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

- Eva Cassidy, True Colours (Chorus)

For My Kawan

This post is for my Kawan. Tevaneea Satkunaseelan. Hee I like to type her full nama. Anywayyyy.

Kawaaan. I know things with your boy boy are not very awesome right now. But they will work themselves out one way or another! Must be happy, Kawan! Because in my mind you are the happy smiley person. Happy happy happy is you. Okay!?


Kendra says you must "Choose to be happy!"


If not she won't show you what she drawed for you!


Because she Sayang-sayang you banyak-banyak, Kawan. :D

Feel good okay?

Jared

Courage Is...

I can see clearly now the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way,
Gone are the dark clouds had me down,
It's gonna be a bright, bright, bright, bright, sunshiney day

- Johnny Nash, I Can See Clearly

*****

I was in youth today, listening to Nick's dad speak on missions. And while Nick's dad is one of those people whose voice I could just listen to forever, (the only other person I know like that being Lisa) I found my thoughts drifting off in random directions. And I started thinking about certain changes that I've begun to find taking form within myself lately. First let me begin by telling those not altogether familiar with me that my upbringing has been that of pretty much every "nice guy" around the world. Basically, I've learned to always be polite, mindful of others, and so on and so forth. All the little niceties that make up "civilized life" these days.

Now, never let it be said that I have a problem with manners or being polite. I like being nice to people. I like being polite and unobtrusive. But what I began to find and loathe about myself in the years since I turned 13, was that the way I was taught to live had made me afraid. Afraid to... speak up. Afraid of what others would think of me, or say about me, or do to me. Afraid of offending people, afraid of basically being me. I don't like offending people, but let me throw it out there that, there are people who it is not okay to offend, and people who will just get offended anyway no matter what you do. People it's not okay or easy offend would be your parents and others like that. People who will get offended anyway are people like busybodies in your church who don't know anything about you but feel it's their moral obligation to tell you that reading Harry Potter will make you the Devil's own child.

I don't condemn people for their beliefs. But I can't stand people who don't mind their own business. The catch is that I've always been too afraid to tell them to mind their own business and not push their beliefs or irrational concerns on me. Being afraid to do something, and choosing not to while still retaining the capacity to do so are two very different things. I hated that about myself. I just never said anything because I was too afraid. I mean I'd let complete strangers push me around just because I was too afraid.

Well, what I've begun to notice in myself lately is that, while I not completely unafraid I'm greatly less afraid than I used to be. I not afraid, or at least, not as afraid as I was before. And I think that's the best thing that's happened to me lately. I really don't know what's going on. It's not like everything is suddenyl going right because God-knows things still get messed up. But it seems that it just doesn't bother me anymore. Not that I'm all Zen now or anything. I still get riled up and tense and all. But I don't simmer like I used to. You know that quiet hatred type of anger? That used to be me. Not anymore.

I don't know where this confidence comes from. I really can't explain what's happening to me in any way that's coherent enough to make it easily understood. But to put it simply I've begun to feel like a real person. I mean a real real person. Not a one-dimensional emo-kid, but a full-fledged 3D person with everything that entails. I cant attribute it to anything. I can't really put my finger on what's going on. Maybe it's the books I'm reading or the thoughts I'm thinking, but I'm no longer an emasculated bull. Hahaha. That's a pretty gross analogy actually. Let me think of another. I'm no longer a... de-fanged lion? Hahaha. Something like that.

I realise that, I'm wired a certain way. It's the way I've always been. I've always been a fighter. I've always got to fight something. A couple of years back it was my parents, then it was any nearby authority figures, then it was my now ex-girlfriend's parents. Always always always fighting. Thing is, I never stopped to think what I was fighting for. And the fact that those weren't exactly fights I could win got me down. Like really down. And compound onto that being dumped and that messed me up in the head and in my heart. No longer.

I know what I'm doing now. Sort of. xD I wouldn't say it's a sense of purpose, but more a sense of how things should be and a drive to make them as close as possible to that ideal as I can. For a long time I've been afraid of being myself, afraid of being...fierce is the best way I can describe it. Imagine having a flame burning bright inside you but being afraid of it for God-knows-what reason and chucking water on it to keep it low. Pretty stupid.

I read a book once that talked about banking that flame so that it burns for a purpose, but as strong and bright as ever. And that's just how I feel now. I feel like, I'm finally starting to live. It's not like I've really changed much about my routine or anything. I just begin to see things differently. It's like getting a new lease on life. Everything's brighter and fresh. But maybe that's just me.

Anyway this post was about courage right? Haha. I was thinking about it in my head at youth today. I mean that's where you do most of your thinking... in your head. But anyway. I was thinking about courage. And I was trying to find my own definition for it. See (to go off topic for just a slight bit here) I really admire people who stand up and teach. In any setting. More in church and stuff. But to a lesser extent lecturers and stuff. But not really cause they're paid to do it. But in church people teach because they have something to say. Mostly. xD And I'd really love a chance to be one of them someday, I feel like there's so much I could say, that I want to teach and share. But that'll come or it won't. Anyway, somtimes as I listen to others each I begin to plan "lessons" of my own in my head. >_> Okay that's a little weird but I do it, okay? And I try to remember the stuff for future reference. But since I don't have a platform from which to teach yet, it'll mostly end up on my Blog for now. Hahaha.

Anyway, I was thinking about courage right? And I started thinking that it's a really difficult thing to define. And to be completely honest I couldn't make up a definition of my own. But one from this anime I watched once kept running through my head. Courage is accepting who you really are, what you're really like. That was what the guy in the anime said. I added on to it in my own head though. I thought, courage is accepting who you really are, what you're really like and making that mean something. It's a really vague sort of thing to say but I can't quite seem to articulate my thoughts right now. I forgot my most defining points. Gah.

In short. I think that a lot of people spend a lot of time chasing all kinds of courage. Like people who go around looking for fights to prove something, people who do crazy stuff to prove something. I don't think it's that difficult. I figure it's something everyone's gotta find inside. Kind of like purpose and strength. It's a liberating feeling just knowing that you could stand up to someone but you choose not to as opposed to knowing deep down the only reason you don't is that you're afraid.

I never really understood before when Christians would say that doing something like blessing another person or praying, or reading the Bible a lot would strengthen your faith. Just didn't make sense to me. The two points didn't seem at all congruent. But I sort of understand now. I know I'm not afraid. I don't have to stand up to some jerk to prove it to myself. I don't have to do anything, I just know. And that give me the confidence to do more and more things I've been so afraid to do for so long. Like I said, it's a liberating feeling.

Suddenly the horizon doesn't seem so out of reach. If you catch my meaning. ^_^

It sounds like a load of spiritual idealistic crap.

But what can I say?

I'm just Zen like that. :P

I love my life.

Jared

*****

Have heart my dear,
We're bound to be afraid,
Even if it's just for a few days,
Making up for all this mess,

Light up, light up,
As if you have a choice,
Even if you cannot hear my voice,
I'll be right beside you dear,

- Snow Patrol, Run

I Want....

Hahaha. My birthday is in one month and three days. I'm going to be 18. Urgh. I don't exactly feel old. But then, I feel old. -_- If that makes any sense. :D Anyways, since I am soon to be 18. And it's a pretty important number! Not as important as it is in the States, but still important. I mean in two years I'm TWENTY. That's a 2 and a 0. Not something nice to think about. That means I only have three years to find the girl I wanna marry! Aaaaaarrrgghhh!! Well the plan is 21. But that's another story.

Just for the record I shall post up what I want for my birthday here. So that if anyone ASKS me, I can tell them it's on my Blog. Instead of having to recount the whole list to them. I've even divided the wants into handy categories. :D

1 - Stuff I'll Probably Get Whether I Want Them Or Not

• Uh... I can't think of anything! :D

2 - Stuff I Want That I May Possibly Get

• Logitech Trackball mouse. With a scrollwheel! :D
• Motorola RAZR Maxx V6 (with Bluetooth handsfree) :D
  
• My laptop fixed >_>
• Black Krylon Spray Paint for my BB gun? xD (Dunno who'd buy me that, though.)
• Ooh! The new Starcraft: Ghost novel and comics.
• Big headphones, the kind that cover your whole ear Sony ones are good!
• An MP3 player. Preferably with a decent battery life. Brand is nonessential.
• Lotsa MPH book vouchers xD
• Thumb drive 8gb!
  
• I can't think of anything else. Haha.
  

3 - Stuff I Want But Will Probably Not Get Unless My Friends Suddenly Become Really Rich, Or Someone I Know Is Crazy Generous, Or My Parents Feel Like Maxing Out Their Credit Cards That Month >_>

• DSLR Camera Starter Kit! Nikon D40x or Canon Equivalent, or higher spec model :D
• Motorola RAZR2 v9 (It's shiney!)
• New guitar, acoustic with an amp jack.
  
• Mazda RX8 all for myself to drive around. Ahaha.
• UTG L96 Model Spring Action BB Sniper Rifle/ UTG Master Sniper + 3000 0.25g BB bullets
• A flight to the UK and back with the option to stay as long as I want
• XBOX 360!
  
• Thumbdrive 64gb (That's RM300) Hahaha.

4 - Stuff I Want But Will NEVER Possibly Get This Year

• Bugatti Veyron Supercar
• Hoverboard

5 - Stuff I Should Probably Get By Myself

• Wife/Girlfriend. Heee. She's just a tad bit older than me though (Try about ten years >_>)
  
• World Peace

Hahaha. Okay so some of those categories are just to mess around *cough*4 & 5*cough* but yeah that's really all I can think of. Like I pretty much have everything I need. And I'm not a greedy person. I'm perfectly content with what I've got. Of course saying that probably won't help my case with the people who are so generously considering giving me that Bugatti, but oh well. It's true.

There's some stuff on the list that I'd really like. But I've lived without them for so long. I doubt it'd make much of a difference in the long run. Haha.

I don't actually remember what I got for my birthday last year. >_> If anything. Haha.

Anyways, that's what I want! I'll probably throw up a proper post sometime during the week. I just wanted to get my wishlist out here.

^_^

Jared