Scream!

I don't know where to go,
What's the right team?
I want my own thing,
So bad I'm gonna Scream!
I can't choose so confused!
What's it all mean?
I want my own dream,
So bad I'm gonna Scream!

- Zac Efron, Scream! (High School Musical 3 OST)

*****

I find it very strange how the movie I identify with right now is High School Musical 3. no, not with the crappy acting. And not with the romance. Though in my opinion the third was the best out of the three. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. My point is, the struggle portrayed by the characters in the movie is real. I think it's something that everyone can identify with. In high school (I never went, but I had a close enough facsimile, okay? :p) it seems like everything is just that. Friends and hanging out, and relationships, and watching movies, is the way things are going to be forever. Or at least, the way things should be forever. Of course, somewhere in the backs of our heads we know that it won't be like this always, but we can ignore it.

Then it's graduation day (okay I never had graduation day either, shut up >_>) and it seems like everything we've come to know is falling apart. Friends move on with their lives and drift apart. You end up not talking to people you were inseparable from in school, making new friends, meeting new people. Old relationships fall by the wayside because you simply can't seem to maintain them. New ones come and then disappear like they didn't really matter to begin with. And suddenly you realise that you don't like it. Nothing's slowing down, everything moves by in a blur and suddenly, suddenly you're running out of time. Suddenly you have to decide which direction your life is going to go in, what you're going to do with it. You have to decide whether to go for your dream or settle for someone else's because theirs is safer. Because if you settle for the plan someone else has laid out for you there's less chance of failure and at least someone else to blame if you do fail.

I've said it before, but the future is a scary thing. There's no knowing what's going to happen. There's no knowing if you'll make it and all your dreams will come true, or if you'll fail miserably and end up doing a desk job that you hate every day, getting caught in that 7am traffic jam every morning and that 5-6pm jam on the way home. Looking forward to the weekend so you can get in more than six hours of sleep. Then feeling dejected on Monday because you wasted your weekend away because you were so tired.

*****

I've got a lot of things,
I've have to do,
All these distractions,
Our future's coming soon,
We're being pulled,
A hundred different directions

- Lucas Grabeel & Olesya Rulin, Just Wanna Be With You (HSM 3 OST)

*****

I think there's a point that every teenager reaches where they realise they need to make something of themself. That they can't stay in their safe cocoon away from the world forever. Some people take that feeling and go clubbing, go live it up, because hey, this is the last chance we'll ever get to be irresponsible, to just let go and be whoever we want before we need to settle for a mediocre job, a mediocre life, a mediocre car, house, job, paycheck. Some people work harder, they give up life. Because hey, life can wait, they need to focus on getting that job to provide for themselves. Sure they had dreams, but that was kid stuff, it's time to grow up now, dreams are for people who don't know anything about real life.

And then there are those people who just freeze. Because the future is terrifying. It's scary and big and nothing like they expected it to be. And they can't do it. They don't believe they can do it. So it's better not to try, because then they won't be humiliated by failing. They sort of flounder around from one thing to the next, not really trying very hard because then they'll have an excuse when they don't make it. "Oh I didn't want it anyway. Didn't really try it." They'll never get the opportunities, the system is biased toward other people. Why try at all?

I'm a lot of the third. Paralyzed with fear because the future is so big. It's so much more vast than you ever thought when your world was high school. It looks so difficult because suddenly, you have to be adult. You can't do what you want when you want. You if you're going to amount to anything it has to be now. If you have a dream you have to go for it now. The pressure is enough to scare anyone. For me, it's that I was homeschooled. It would be easy to miss out on the opportunities to go fro my dream. And just everything together, pushing down can freeze me in place.

Lately I've been just moving, doing something. People say that the only way to conquer your fear is to face it. So I that's what I've been trying to do. It's hard. It's hard when you go to work and it sucks. It's hard when you feel tired, but you still have more to do. It's going to be even harder when college starts again. But then, people also say no pain no gain, right? Haha. It doesn't make anything less scary. There's always the fear that your boss won't like you. The fear that you'll mess up on the job and get chewed out by your superior. Always the fear that you'll never amount to anything more than this, that the promotions will always be given to the other person and you'll be stuck in your same dead-end job for the next twenty years. Always the fear that no matter who thinks your voice is good you won't make that recording deal because you don't look good enough. Always the fear that you'll never get those acting opportunities because you started too late unlike some people who started when they were five years old or something.

Truthfully I'm scared. That I won't make it. And I haven't been trying as hard as I should. And it's easy to say I'll do it later. But suddenly I feel like I'm running out of time, and suddenly the inspiration isn't there. It's like all the feelings that overflowed into song, poem, and story so easily before suddenly stopped. I think the scariest feeling in the world is running out of time. Because you blink, and suddenly you're old, you're old and all those things you wanted to do, you can't anymore. You have a wife, you have kids, you have a mortgage to pay. And you need that paycheck to keep paying installments so that your house isn't taken away. You're chained to a life you hate but that you can't escape from.

I think what it boils down to, is which fear is greater. Fear of failure, or fear of never amounting to anything. It's easy to hear people talking about taking that shot, so that even if you fail you know you tried. But doing it is more terrifying than anything you've ever done. Because your life rides on this decision. What you become now is what you're going to be for the rest of your life. And that, is a scary thought. My dad says if you try and fail, you can't be called a failure. Real failures are the people who never tried.

I don't wanna be a failure.

*****

This is the last chance to make our mark,
History will know who we are,
This is the last game,
So make it count,
It's now or never

- The Wildcats, Now Or Never (HSM3 OST)

*****

I know that everything is scary now. I know that I have no guarantee that any of my dreams are going to come true. But I think I need to start moving. If you start walking, even if you don't know where you're going to end up, you're going to end up somewhere, right? That somewhere could be off the edge of a cliff with your head broken open, but at least you know it was your choice, right? Better than never making a choice.

Bruce Lee said, "If it kills you, it kills you." So I need to move. If I die? I die la. There are worse things. I don't want to never amount to anything. I think I'm tired of trying to be an adult, tired of trying to be "realistic." Tired of second guessing myself. I think for awhile, I'm going to be naive. I'm going to be like when I was kid. When you just had to imagine it and you could whoever you wanted to be. The Power Rangers, Superman, Barbie, a My Little Pony, whatever. Even if our friends said "No you can't be the Black Ranger, he's short and you're too fat!" You'd be like "I don't care I'll be the tall and fat Black Ranger." No one could put you down, you believed with all your might that you had it in you to be whoever you wanted.

I think that's one thing all us teenagers need to get back. Belief in ourselves. We're so sidelined and pressured these days to be so many different things, that we forget who we want to be, who we already have it in us to be. And we settle. Settle for something less than what we wanted to begin with. I think we need to start believing in ourselves, and just do it. I know I'm making it sound so easy when it's really not. But then, since when did we ever do anything the easy way? We have relationships and hide them from our parents, we smoke, go clubbing and break out necks to everything we shouldn't. Why should this be anything different?

I want to amount to something. I want my dream to come true. So I have to do something. No matter how scared I am. That's courage, right? Being afraid but going for that thing anyway, whatever it is. And now for the one bible verse I've ever put on my blog:

*****

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

- Deuteronomy 31:6

*****

I think we gotta do whatever it takes to get what we want. No one's gonna give it to us, we have to take it.

Who's gonna stop us?

*****

I'm kicking' down the walls,
I gotta make them fall,
Just break through them all,
I'm punching, crashing, I'm gonna,
Fight to find myself,
Me and no one else,
Which way I can't tell, I'm searching,
Searching, can't find a,
Road that I should take,

- Zac Efron, Scream (HSM3 OST)

Foolish Heart

Foolish heart,
Hear me calling,
Stop before,
You start falling,
Foolish heart,
Heed my warning,
You've been wrong before,
Don't be wrong anymore

- Steve Perry, Foolish Heart

*****

In the movie Hitch Will Smith brings Eva Mendez to this thing called the kissing post. He explains that when they met at this post after a long absence people would kiss each other. Then he says "Now what would qualify as a long absence?" He steps offscreen for half a second then steps back into the frame. "Like how 'bout that? That count?" Haha. If there was such a thing, I would totally qualify for like... a million kisses. Though it doesn't say that the longer you've been apart the more kisses you get. But I think that should totally be the rule. Now the only thing to do is find that person to kiss and I'll be all set! No big deal.

Well, what's been going on with me? Why have I not been posting. Well other than not really having the willpower to stick to something like this, I suppose the most glaring reason is that I just haven't felt that anything's ben happening in my life, thus there was no reason to write anything? When things are going wrong and things there are plenty of exciting ways to write about them and such. But when everything settles down my life really is rather mundane. I can, in fact, give an update in about two sentences. I decided not to got to college and work instead. However I have now found a job at 8tv and am going back to college as well. There probably the most mention-worthy things in my life.

Oh, my birthday passed. I didn't post anything since then. Haha. I meant to post up pictures of all the presents I got. But I forgot. Maybe next post. I've had a lot of time to think as of late. The only problem with thinking is, it makes you scared. Well technically I'm always scared, but thinking makes me more scared. I suppose just taking the first step and getting that job and going to finish my degree is a good thing. I never really foresaw myself being at this point in my life. Which is strange because I'm not Peter Pan. I was always bound to grow up someday. I suppose what I meant to say is that I didn't expect growing up to be so...confusing and scary.

There are so many things you want to accomplish, but as you get older you start to compromise on what you want. You shy away from some things and settle for less than you really wanted because you were afriad to go out and try. Because if you try and you fail, you're a failure right? If you don't try you can't fail and thus, instead of being a failure, you're simply a loser. And being a loser is so much easier to adjust to, isn't it? I always thought that by the time I got to this part in my life I'd know everything about myself. Know everything I wanted, and have the courage to go out and get it all. But the reality is far more harsh than anything a youngster's mind can comprehend.

In Transformers the line they liked to use was "No sacrifice; no victory." Which I think is an apt description of anything you'd want to do in life. There is so much you have to give up if you want to get where you want to go. Things like time on the computer, or lazy days where all you have to do is lay around and watch TV. Or even days where you just hang out with friends. Because friends grow up and go to work and you don't see them. And you? You have to get your own life in gear, because if you don't how're you ever going to move? I had a sort of plan, it seemed simple enough at the time.

1) Become rich and famous singer

2) Get married at 20-21 [Which implies that I would have to be rich by then right? Or at least have some money to my name >_>]

3) Have four kids [That's two girls and two boys]

4) Take care of everyone I care about. [That's everyone. The plan is to buy a humongous plot of land and build tonnes and tonnes of houses on it and bring all my special people to live there with me in our own little community.]

My dad says that to have a plan what you need is an image of your end result, what your "gotten it all" will look like. Then you work backwards from there to get what you want. He asked my what my picture was and I could answer him. But now I can. When I think of myself, I don't actually see myself living it up like a celebrity. I see a modest life, normal house, sports cars, surrounded by family and friends, and my wife [my lovely wife, who I have yet to meet, I am running out of time -_-] with me all the time being a pillar of strength, probably in some cold country so I can wear all those awesome clothes I've always wanted to wear but people would think you were insane for wearing in Malaysia. [IE: trench-coats, leather-ish jackets, think Zac Efron in 17 Again that kind of look]

I think I would be completely happy with that kind of life. Thing is, I have no idea what I'm doing half the time. I don't know what I should do or what I shouldn't do. And really it gets to a point where I want to just do everything, but it's all so frightening I end up...not. Lately though I find that if I keep moving? Keep just..doing something, even if I don't know why or even if I should? It generally works. I've just been listening to my parents [I know, shocker right? It actually works? Haha.] since I have no idea where to go right now.

Truthfully I didn't want to go to college. I don't.. study well. I'm just bad at all that stuff. But having the degree will help at least. And I can see that. Which is why I'm going back. It's all baby steps I suppose. It gets frustrating sometimes because there are no guarantees in life. There's no guarantee that if I work hard at something anything will come of it. There's no guarantee that any of my dreams will see fruition. And I guess that's one of things that tends to get a person down, you never know what's going to happen.

When I was younger I think that idea appealed to me a lot more. And I don't know if some people take longer to reach this point in their lives than I have or what, but what I know is that what I'm really looking for in life right now is stability. Not to say that my life isn't stable. It is, my family is great, home is great. But stability for me, inside me and around me. I feel that I need to be able to be certain of at least some things if I can't be about all things.

I've been dreaming of a girl lately. Not a specific girl. This girl in my mind is faceless, at least for now. But I know what she's like, and I know that she's the girl. I haven't found her yet. Thing is, I'm beyond the need for just a companion. I mean yeah, having a girlfriend is a trip. It's great and exciting and all. But to be frank, what I'm looking for is a wife. Not to say that I want to get married now. I know I'm not exactly ready for that yet. But what I mean is, I am looking for a girl with the capacity to be the sort of wife I've been needing. Do I miss having the closeness? Yes. But that's neither here nor there. I read somewhere once that there comes a time in a boy's life when he feels the need to take a girl in his arms, to care for and protect her, yet also to be taken care of and loved by her. And it's at this point that he starts to become a man. I've also read that men are defined by the women they love.

It's a strange thought that I'd be thinking these sorts of things at my age. I mean, most people my age are out at clubs, parties, malls, this would be the best, most exciting, craziest year of their life. And I'm sitting like an old man wishing this would all be over because I feel it's a waste of my time. I'm not quite sure what that says about me. Haha.

There's an itch in me. An itch to be great. To do things that people only dream of. To live and fight, and love, and experience everything just as fiercely and passionately as the heroes of the books I've read. I used to think that that entailed modeling myself into one of the heroes from my books and comics, and movies. But no, I can't be like that. All I know is, there is something burning inside me. Something fierce and big and wild. Something that wants to push me toward the greatness that I desire. It wants to come out, it wants me to be fearless and push forward. But there is the part of me that has been the only me that I have known for the majority of my life. The part that just wants to settle for what I have now. The part that wants to stay comfortable and not fight or push. Because it's simply safer.

In conclusion, I think I"m confused. I'm trying to grow up, but at the same time I want to stay a child because it's safer, more comfortable. It's all very confusing, really. And while an older, wiser person may think I'm being ridiculous, that the path before me is clear as day, I simply cannot see it. In one of the LOTR movies, Aragorn falls asleep and dreams of Arwen, and in the dream he says to her her, "My path is hidden from me." to which she replies him "No, it is already laid before your feet."

I guess it feels something like that. I can't see what I'm supposed to do to be what I'm meant to be. And until I can see it, I'm too afraid to move. Because what if I go wrong? What if I go so far wrong that I miss it and can never get it back?

Where is my Elven Princess? My dream-girl who will soothe those fears? I dunno.

I think... I need to get out more.

Hahaha.

'Til next time,
Jared

*****

I need a love that's strong,
I'm so tired of being alone,
But will my lonely heart,
Play the part,
Of the fool again,
Before I begin,

- Steve Perry, Foolish Heart

Bleh

You with the sad eyes,
Don't be discouraged,
Though I realise,
It's hard to take courage,
In a world full of people,
You can lose sight of it all,
And the darkness there inside you makes you feel so small,

- Eva Cassidy, True Colours

*****

Today was a bleh day. It was completely just... bleh. It wasn't a bad day in and of itself. But it's one of those sorts of things where it only takes like one bad thing to make everything else seem crappy too? Yeah. Nothing overly terrible happened. But after a brief altercation with my father, everything just seemed to go downhill. Just one of those days where you lose all motivation to do anything. I spent today laying in bed re-watching Season 1 of Gilmore Girls. Haha. I really need to go out and buy Season 3. Bleh.

I remember before, days like this would seem like the end of the world. But it seems like I was such a different person back then. I used to revel in being miserable. Sure it wasn't an exactly pleasant feeling, but haven't you ever heard someone say that "it hurts so good?" I mean yeah, I just got caught up in the drama and romanticism of the whole "broken heart" bit. But truthfully that's not who I am anymore. I mean yes, today was a pretty crappy day. And I feel very very crappy at this moment. But I know that I won't be feeling this way always. I've been flipping awesome for weeks. This is just a little speed bump.

I've had "choose to be happy" told to me a lot. And yeah, I can see how it helps. I mean in most situations I can just ignore unhappy feelings and focus on being happy. And that makes me a better person as on the whole. I mean, not letting things get you down can't be a bad thing, right? There are situations however, where you're simply unable to react any other way. Such as when the other party gets SO pissed of at something so trivial, or something that you couldn't have done any differently. It sort of just gets you down and demoralizes you, if only for the day.

Really, I had a terrible day today. But that's okay I have another one tomorrow. Hopefully it'll be better. I hate this feeling but I know that it's just temporary. That being said I still feel very crappy as of right now.

I swear, if anyone tells me to be happy, I'm going to sucker punch them in the face. This is one of those times a significant other comes in handy to cheer you up and have someone to talk to. But that's neither here nor there. And the added stress just ain't worth it in the long run anyways.

Ugh.

That's it for tonight.

Jared

*****

I see your true colours shining through,
I see your true colours,
That's why I love you,
So don't be afraid,
To let them show,
Your true colours,
True colours,
Are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

- Eva Cassidy, True Colours (Chorus)

For My Kawan

This post is for my Kawan. Tevaneea Satkunaseelan. Hee I like to type her full nama. Anywayyyy.

Kawaaan. I know things with your boy boy are not very awesome right now. But they will work themselves out one way or another! Must be happy, Kawan! Because in my mind you are the happy smiley person. Happy happy happy is you. Okay!?


Kendra says you must "Choose to be happy!"


If not she won't show you what she drawed for you!


Because she Sayang-sayang you banyak-banyak, Kawan. :D

Feel good okay?

Jared

Courage Is...

I can see clearly now the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way,
Gone are the dark clouds had me down,
It's gonna be a bright, bright, bright, bright, sunshiney day

- Johnny Nash, I Can See Clearly

*****

I was in youth today, listening to Nick's dad speak on missions. And while Nick's dad is one of those people whose voice I could just listen to forever, (the only other person I know like that being Lisa) I found my thoughts drifting off in random directions. And I started thinking about certain changes that I've begun to find taking form within myself lately. First let me begin by telling those not altogether familiar with me that my upbringing has been that of pretty much every "nice guy" around the world. Basically, I've learned to always be polite, mindful of others, and so on and so forth. All the little niceties that make up "civilized life" these days.

Now, never let it be said that I have a problem with manners or being polite. I like being nice to people. I like being polite and unobtrusive. But what I began to find and loathe about myself in the years since I turned 13, was that the way I was taught to live had made me afraid. Afraid to... speak up. Afraid of what others would think of me, or say about me, or do to me. Afraid of offending people, afraid of basically being me. I don't like offending people, but let me throw it out there that, there are people who it is not okay to offend, and people who will just get offended anyway no matter what you do. People it's not okay or easy offend would be your parents and others like that. People who will get offended anyway are people like busybodies in your church who don't know anything about you but feel it's their moral obligation to tell you that reading Harry Potter will make you the Devil's own child.

I don't condemn people for their beliefs. But I can't stand people who don't mind their own business. The catch is that I've always been too afraid to tell them to mind their own business and not push their beliefs or irrational concerns on me. Being afraid to do something, and choosing not to while still retaining the capacity to do so are two very different things. I hated that about myself. I just never said anything because I was too afraid. I mean I'd let complete strangers push me around just because I was too afraid.

Well, what I've begun to notice in myself lately is that, while I not completely unafraid I'm greatly less afraid than I used to be. I not afraid, or at least, not as afraid as I was before. And I think that's the best thing that's happened to me lately. I really don't know what's going on. It's not like everything is suddenyl going right because God-knows things still get messed up. But it seems that it just doesn't bother me anymore. Not that I'm all Zen now or anything. I still get riled up and tense and all. But I don't simmer like I used to. You know that quiet hatred type of anger? That used to be me. Not anymore.

I don't know where this confidence comes from. I really can't explain what's happening to me in any way that's coherent enough to make it easily understood. But to put it simply I've begun to feel like a real person. I mean a real real person. Not a one-dimensional emo-kid, but a full-fledged 3D person with everything that entails. I cant attribute it to anything. I can't really put my finger on what's going on. Maybe it's the books I'm reading or the thoughts I'm thinking, but I'm no longer an emasculated bull. Hahaha. That's a pretty gross analogy actually. Let me think of another. I'm no longer a... de-fanged lion? Hahaha. Something like that.

I realise that, I'm wired a certain way. It's the way I've always been. I've always been a fighter. I've always got to fight something. A couple of years back it was my parents, then it was any nearby authority figures, then it was my now ex-girlfriend's parents. Always always always fighting. Thing is, I never stopped to think what I was fighting for. And the fact that those weren't exactly fights I could win got me down. Like really down. And compound onto that being dumped and that messed me up in the head and in my heart. No longer.

I know what I'm doing now. Sort of. xD I wouldn't say it's a sense of purpose, but more a sense of how things should be and a drive to make them as close as possible to that ideal as I can. For a long time I've been afraid of being myself, afraid of being...fierce is the best way I can describe it. Imagine having a flame burning bright inside you but being afraid of it for God-knows-what reason and chucking water on it to keep it low. Pretty stupid.

I read a book once that talked about banking that flame so that it burns for a purpose, but as strong and bright as ever. And that's just how I feel now. I feel like, I'm finally starting to live. It's not like I've really changed much about my routine or anything. I just begin to see things differently. It's like getting a new lease on life. Everything's brighter and fresh. But maybe that's just me.

Anyway this post was about courage right? Haha. I was thinking about it in my head at youth today. I mean that's where you do most of your thinking... in your head. But anyway. I was thinking about courage. And I was trying to find my own definition for it. See (to go off topic for just a slight bit here) I really admire people who stand up and teach. In any setting. More in church and stuff. But to a lesser extent lecturers and stuff. But not really cause they're paid to do it. But in church people teach because they have something to say. Mostly. xD And I'd really love a chance to be one of them someday, I feel like there's so much I could say, that I want to teach and share. But that'll come or it won't. Anyway, somtimes as I listen to others each I begin to plan "lessons" of my own in my head. >_> Okay that's a little weird but I do it, okay? And I try to remember the stuff for future reference. But since I don't have a platform from which to teach yet, it'll mostly end up on my Blog for now. Hahaha.

Anyway, I was thinking about courage right? And I started thinking that it's a really difficult thing to define. And to be completely honest I couldn't make up a definition of my own. But one from this anime I watched once kept running through my head. Courage is accepting who you really are, what you're really like. That was what the guy in the anime said. I added on to it in my own head though. I thought, courage is accepting who you really are, what you're really like and making that mean something. It's a really vague sort of thing to say but I can't quite seem to articulate my thoughts right now. I forgot my most defining points. Gah.

In short. I think that a lot of people spend a lot of time chasing all kinds of courage. Like people who go around looking for fights to prove something, people who do crazy stuff to prove something. I don't think it's that difficult. I figure it's something everyone's gotta find inside. Kind of like purpose and strength. It's a liberating feeling just knowing that you could stand up to someone but you choose not to as opposed to knowing deep down the only reason you don't is that you're afraid.

I never really understood before when Christians would say that doing something like blessing another person or praying, or reading the Bible a lot would strengthen your faith. Just didn't make sense to me. The two points didn't seem at all congruent. But I sort of understand now. I know I'm not afraid. I don't have to stand up to some jerk to prove it to myself. I don't have to do anything, I just know. And that give me the confidence to do more and more things I've been so afraid to do for so long. Like I said, it's a liberating feeling.

Suddenly the horizon doesn't seem so out of reach. If you catch my meaning. ^_^

It sounds like a load of spiritual idealistic crap.

But what can I say?

I'm just Zen like that. :P

I love my life.

Jared

*****

Have heart my dear,
We're bound to be afraid,
Even if it's just for a few days,
Making up for all this mess,

Light up, light up,
As if you have a choice,
Even if you cannot hear my voice,
I'll be right beside you dear,

- Snow Patrol, Run

I Want....

Hahaha. My birthday is in one month and three days. I'm going to be 18. Urgh. I don't exactly feel old. But then, I feel old. -_- If that makes any sense. :D Anyways, since I am soon to be 18. And it's a pretty important number! Not as important as it is in the States, but still important. I mean in two years I'm TWENTY. That's a 2 and a 0. Not something nice to think about. That means I only have three years to find the girl I wanna marry! Aaaaaarrrgghhh!! Well the plan is 21. But that's another story.

Just for the record I shall post up what I want for my birthday here. So that if anyone ASKS me, I can tell them it's on my Blog. Instead of having to recount the whole list to them. I've even divided the wants into handy categories. :D

1 - Stuff I'll Probably Get Whether I Want Them Or Not

• Uh... I can't think of anything! :D

2 - Stuff I Want That I May Possibly Get

• Logitech Trackball mouse. With a scrollwheel! :D
• Motorola RAZR Maxx V6 (with Bluetooth handsfree) :D
  
• My laptop fixed >_>
• Black Krylon Spray Paint for my BB gun? xD (Dunno who'd buy me that, though.)
• Ooh! The new Starcraft: Ghost novel and comics.
• Big headphones, the kind that cover your whole ear Sony ones are good!
• An MP3 player. Preferably with a decent battery life. Brand is nonessential.
• Lotsa MPH book vouchers xD
• Thumb drive 8gb!
  
• I can't think of anything else. Haha.
  

3 - Stuff I Want But Will Probably Not Get Unless My Friends Suddenly Become Really Rich, Or Someone I Know Is Crazy Generous, Or My Parents Feel Like Maxing Out Their Credit Cards That Month >_>

• DSLR Camera Starter Kit! Nikon D40x or Canon Equivalent, or higher spec model :D
• Motorola RAZR2 v9 (It's shiney!)
• New guitar, acoustic with an amp jack.
  
• Mazda RX8 all for myself to drive around. Ahaha.
• UTG L96 Model Spring Action BB Sniper Rifle/ UTG Master Sniper + 3000 0.25g BB bullets
• A flight to the UK and back with the option to stay as long as I want
• XBOX 360!
  
• Thumbdrive 64gb (That's RM300) Hahaha.

4 - Stuff I Want But Will NEVER Possibly Get This Year

• Bugatti Veyron Supercar
• Hoverboard

5 - Stuff I Should Probably Get By Myself

• Wife/Girlfriend. Heee. She's just a tad bit older than me though (Try about ten years >_>)
  
• World Peace

Hahaha. Okay so some of those categories are just to mess around *cough*4 & 5*cough* but yeah that's really all I can think of. Like I pretty much have everything I need. And I'm not a greedy person. I'm perfectly content with what I've got. Of course saying that probably won't help my case with the people who are so generously considering giving me that Bugatti, but oh well. It's true.

There's some stuff on the list that I'd really like. But I've lived without them for so long. I doubt it'd make much of a difference in the long run. Haha.

I don't actually remember what I got for my birthday last year. >_> If anything. Haha.

Anyways, that's what I want! I'll probably throw up a proper post sometime during the week. I just wanted to get my wishlist out here.

^_^

Jared

Gimme Gimme Gimme

Sometimes I feel so full of love it just comes spilling out,
It's uncomfortable to see,
I give it away so easily,
But if I had someone,
I would do anything,
I'd never never never let you feel alone,
I won't, I won't leave you on your own,

But who am I to dream?
Dreams are for fools,
They let you down,

And I know that it's a wonderful world,
But I can't feel it right now,
Well I thought that I doing well,
But I just wanna cry now,
Well I know that it's a wonderful world,
From the sky down to the sea,
I can only see it when you're here,
Here with me,

- James Morrison, Wonderful World

*****

Well, it has been a nice long while since my last update. I've been keeping rather occupied as of late. Which is always good, no? Truth be told I've been feeling awesome lately. Completely on top of my game, king of the world. However you want to put it. It's not even that everything seems to have been going right. Because honestly, they haven't. I just can't seem to be bothered about them anymore. If I wanted to catch you up on all that's happened it would be a long, long, long tale. And not all of it pleasant either. Suffice it to say that I'm good and life is good. I won't even add that "for now" that I wanted to add to the end of that sentence. ^_^

I've come to the conclusion that, I like being single. I truly truly like it. After almost five years of skipping from one relationship to the next (not by choice, but meh) I think this is the longest period of time I've been single in five years. And I love it. I won't say that I don't feel that desire to have a special person to share my life with. But then, to be brutally honest. I just can't seem to be bothered. If you look at it, it probably is a terrible way to be. I don't want to be with someone because it's simply too much effort to initiate and then to upkeep a relationship. Not that I mind the work. But if it's going to be wasted again? What for, right? I like to know that my effort if for something. Toward something.

I've been thinking lately. I mean, I watch lots of movies and things. And there are really beautiful people in them. Like, for all we bitch about Hollywood giving us the wrong picture of beauty, we can't deny that there are beautiful people there. And when you watch them on screen just being with each other. Not necessarily sucking face (read: making out) or doing other stupid stuff but like doing just normal stuff like being a couple. Holding hands, leaning against each other. Yeah, you watch that and I don't know about other people, but there is that part of me that wants that. Fiercely. It even keeps me up at night sometimes.

Thing is, I'm beyond thinking I need that to define myself. I'm comfortable with who I am. I mean sure, I'm insecure sometimes (I know those two statements sound completely contradictory but it sort of makes sense if you think about it? Ahaha.) but I like who I am. Sometimes what people say or think about me does get to me, I'll admit to that. Sometimes I don't really like it when I'm being made fun of, even though I know it's just in good fun and no one means anything by it. But my point is, I like being me, without watering it down to fit into someone else's ideal. I'm a nice guy, but what I realised is when I'm with someone, I don't remember a time when I was really me.

My dad was talking at lunch today and he said that peoples' problem is that they think other people don't know how they really feel. They think people just believe what they say. See, in my head I have this idea of the perfect guy that a girl wants from my talks with girls of course. He's gotta be understanding, he's gotta be compassionate, and kind, and gentle and blah blah blah. The list goes on. And while I am some of those things, I'm not all of them. The problem is, I've tried to be. In finding that other person, I lost myself. When they did something that made me want to scream I wouldn't I'd say something cop out like "It's okay, baby. Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyehnyeh." Of course screaming at them probably isn't the best way to communicate how I feel. But I wasn't communicating, not really.

What I've found in my time alone is. I like myself. I'm not a perfectly nice guy. I'm not completely charming like I've tried to be. I'm not gentle or temperate. And while those are good things to be and to strive toward. No one is completely those things. Or if they are, they aren't completely something else either. Truth be told. I'm not nice. I'm mean, I'm sarcastic, I'm rough and not completely gentle. And I like being that way. I like myself. I realise that watering myself down for the benefit and comfort of someone, no matter how much I may love them is stupid.

Yeah, I mean I have the capacity to be sweet. I've been sweet on occasion. I can be gentle and caring and all that. But at the end of the day, those are things that I work on and strive toward. That aren't completely part of my character just yet. The person I love, should love me. Not some over idealised idea of me. The real me, the mean one, the one who loses his temper sometimes, the sarcastic one. That's me. And I figure, I'm done trying to fit some stupid dream guy dynamic. There's no such thing.

Why should I conform to someone else's ideal? If they want me, then they can bloody well want me for the real me, no? I've only just come to this realisation. It makes me feel so free. I'm just me. And if I end up single for the rest of my life, well... that would SUCK, but eh. That's just the way it is, right? I'd rather be single and happy, than be someone I'm not and miserable.

That's not to say I've stopped dreaming. That's not to say that I want a love any less fiercely than I ever did. Heck, that's what humankind is so often defined by isn't it? The search for love. I want a girl I can hold, and love and sayang-sayang to my heart's content who won't squirm away and who won't tell me to "Stop it, so embarrassing!" Or "I'm not in the mood la." (though upon further thought I wonder if a girl like that exists? Ahaha.) I really really do. But I'm content. Wholly so. Right now. It doesn't make sense when I type it. It's like I want something so bad, but I'm happy without it anyway. Like, what kind of a desire is that? But that's just the way it is.

Nothing about emotions is really simple is it? But I know who I am now. What I want.

I'm truly truly happy. It's funny.

Really I don't know if anyone who reads this will understand what the hell I'm getting at. I suppose it's just one of those things someone can't ever tell you about. It's something you need to experience by yourself. Like that first kiss, or... uhm... the wind on your face at the top of a mountain, or floating in the sea with your eyes closed. It's such an "Mmmmm...." feeling. That's probably the best way I can describe it.

Does that mean I'm gonna stop looking at girls? Ahaha. Hell no. Does that mean I'll stop liking people. Not even close. It just means that, I don't need someone else to define me. You can't be half of a whole if you aren't whole yourself to begin with, right? Haha. I'm so profound! I'm not whole yet. But I think...I think I'm well on my way. :)

Mmmm... yeah.

Jared

*****

Hold on to what you try to be,
Your individuality,
When the world is on your shoulders,
Just smile and let it go,
If people try to put you down,
Just walk on by don't turn around,
You only have to answer to yourself,

Don't you know it's true what they say,
That love it ain't easy,
But you time's coming around,

Dream of falling in love,
Everything you've been thinking of,
When the world seems to get too tough,
Bring it all back to you,
Don't stop never give up,
Hold your head high and reach the top,
Let the world see what you have got,
Bring it all back to you

- S Club 7, Bring It All Back

EDIT: I just remembered. My birthday is coming. Ahaha. I'm 18 in about a month. ^_^;; Dowan. I give you presento listo next time~!

Jared

Tell Me Something Good

Tell me something good,
Tell me that you love me,

- Pink, Tell Me Something Good

*****

I feel like I'm letting everyone down.

I feel useless and worthless.

Am I letting everyone down? I don't feel good enough anymore, if I ever did.

I'm really really tired and I really really want a way out.

Sometimes it seems so long since I haven't felt this way. But I know that isn't true. I know that I've been happy and almost joyful in between these times. I suppose the smart thing to do would be to try and uncover the root of the problem. What is it that is making me borderline manic depressive.

Haha. I know that people are getting sick of me being this way. It's not something they have to say, I just know. I mean come on, who likes being around an unhappy person right? But then, that all becomes part of the vicious circle, right? No one likes sad people, so you pretend to be happy, but then you go home and hate yourself even more because you're such a fake and you don't know how to really be happy.

This is a stupid thing to type on your blog. But I needed to let it be known. I feel like I'm letting everyone down. Worthless. Stupid. Useless. It feels like I'm utterly devoid of any quality that would draw another human being. Honestly, I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of acting like it doesn't get to me. I'm tired of acting like I can handle it when I actually can't. I want to scream and thrash and curl up in a ball and bawl my eyes out and not have to move until I'm good and damn well ready to get up and start all over again. But that's not the way things work.

The way things work is, you have to get up every morning, and you have to get your game face on, get your fake smile on along with your suit and tie, or whatever. You have to step out of your house into the big bad world, or worse, step out of your room into your own home, and you have to play the game again. You have to play the game where everyone has to like you, where you have things you'd like to say to a person but you choke it back down in your gut because you weren't raised to say those kinds of things, because you're too much of a coward to say what you mean. You have to get up, and try to kill the hope that maybe, maybe today will be better than the day before because at least then if it isn't, or if it's worse, you don't feel so bad about it.

We all got our bad days. That's the stupid line I spout to people I care about when I'm cheering them up. In all honesty, if I could go back and relive my life. I'd do everything differently. I'd make my choices differently. I'd have told that girl way back when just how I felt, and I would have fought for her. I would have hit that guy I wanted to hit, and gone off on all those people who I always knew deserved it. I would have asserted myself, I would have been loud and crazy, and fierce. Not like this. I don't think anyone would ever choose to be like this. If I could sum up myself in one word that encapsulates every facet of me. Not just the choices that people see, but the whole myriad that they don't. If I could condense it all into one word, the only word I could find for myself would be 'coward.'

I have this group of friends who I love, make no mistake. We usually get our kicks by just making fun of each other, calling each other stupid names and making each other sound stupid. Truthfully, I've always felt stupid around them. I've always felt like I know nothing like I'm somehow beneath them. But usually I can laugh it off. Usually I can keep smiling and just say something like "Shut up! Haha." or "No, your face is stupid. Haha." But they came over tonight. And I couldn't. Just couldn't. I wanted to run, just get out of my own house. Haha. Far away from them so I wouldn't feel so small.

I read this thing recently, it went like this:

*****

I am me,
And being me,
I can only dream,

But if I were a tree,
I'd be a very tall tree,
I'd survey my surroundings,
And do all in my power,
To protect all the other trees,

But I am me,
And being me,
I can only dream,

But if I were a bird,
I'd have huge wings,
That would allow me to soar,
High into the Heavens,
So high,
So very, very high,

But I am me,
And being me,
I can only dream,

But if I were a flower,
I'd have vibrant colours,
And scents so sweet and inviting,

But I am me,
And being me,
I can only dream,

I am not a tree,

I am not a bird,

I am not a flower,

I am me,

And being me,

I can only dream...

*****

I think that sums up almost exactly how I feel. I don't know who wrote it, and I can't find it on the web. But I like it.

But I'd say this.

I can only dream,
But at least,
I am me.

Jared

*****

I had a dream that I could fly,
I can feel each moment as time goes by,
You'd never too far away,
You would always be here I heard you say,

I never thought,
Thought that it would be our last goodbye,
I still can dream,
That one day love will fall down from the sky,

Do you still remember,
All the time that has gone by?
Do you still believe that,
Love can fall down from the sky?
If from where you're standing,
You can see the sky above,
I'll waiting for you,
If you still believe in love

- Dennis Martin & Elsa Raven (The Legend of Dragoon OST),
If You Still Believe

Nobody

There you are,
In a darkened room,
And you're all alone,
Looking out the window,
Your heart is cold and lost the will to love,
Like a broken arrow,

Here I stand in the shadows,
Come to me,
Come to me,
Can't you see?

- Ricky Martin & Christina Aguilera, Nobody Wants To Be Lonely

*****

Okay, I've decided. I'm over you. ^_^ Not because I'm angry, not because I'm hurt. Not really because of any other emotion I have, it's more of a desire for self preservation. I would rather not set myself up for another round of "Whack-a-Jared" or some game that would just as painful to me. That is emotionally, of course. I find that trying to engage/have/sustain a relationship with someone who's made it clear that do not, and most probably will never want you in return as badly as you want them, is simply not worth it. It's not worth the stress, and it's surely not worth the heartache. I'd be better off being miserable alone. At least in that depression there isn't the knowledge that the other party is fine and happy enough without you to make it worse.

But anyway, I haven't put up this new blog post to whine about my relationship or more accurately, my lack of one. No, that first bit was simply because I was rather... hurt by some words I found the other day. So I made a decision. Anyway, this post is about well as usual, life. Haha. I find that I'm growing increasingly tired of the way things are. Upon reading this my parents will probably comment that it's because I am unmotivated and am currently wasting my life away at home and not amounting to anything. And in this assumption there are doubtlessly correct. So as a reasonable person, I suppose it would be the logical thing to say that I have thus forfeited my rights to whine about my life. And yes, I suppose I would be inclined to agree with that statement.

But tonight, I feel unreasonable. And thus I will allow myself to whine to my heart's content. Simply because I can. I'm going to bemoan how unfair life is, how cruel life is, how it seems to throw everything it can at you. Or at least I would, but frankly I find that I can't be bothered to do so. Everyone knows everything I could possibly write. Everyone already knows just how much life sucks, some more so than others, but really I don't think the degree to which it sucks for any one person really matters. Simply the fact that it is often nigh unbearable would be enough.

I'm tired, spiritually and emotionally more so than physically, though that has it's place as well. I'm angry and upset and I want to break something. Sometimes it feels like everything is spiraling out of control. It's easy to get caught up in... nothing. To the point that you forget what it felt like when your life meant something.

I love the fact that the people who I care about, who I invested my time in caring for, in helping to heal are whole again. Sarah and Ian, this is you. And maybe to a lesser extent Zoe, though you helped me as much if not more than I ever did you. I love the fact that I was able to do something for someone else. That I was useful if not necessarily valued at all times. I know we may not be 100% but then, who is right?

Sarah and Ian, my emo buddies. Haha. You're the best. I really don't know what I'd have done after Jern without you two. And truthfully, I don't know what I'd do without you even now. When things get crazy and threaten to topple us I know I can depend on you guys to be there with stupid jokes we can crack until 3am to keep each other from crying. I know that things aren't always necessarily perfect between us. But we try. And I hope that we'll always have each other to depend on because life just sucks way too much for one person to endure on their own sometimes.

I often wonder if I'd actually killed myself back when I was 14 years old, would it have been better than living the way I am now? But then, giving up isn't something I can stomach, and I hate people who kill themselves, it's stupid and cowardly.

This time however, I must give up. Because if I'm going to grow at all as a person, I have to let go of everything that's hurting me or holding me back. And it's a hard hard thing to do. I really wish I could make things different from how they are. I wish that I could maybe erase our meeting or make it so that she'd actually see me the way I see her. I've never even typed her name in relation to posts like these because it made it seem so final, so definite. Like if I typed it I was bound to stay enthralled to her forever because Id typed it, like a contract. So I never used her name. But I guess I can now.

Because this time, it's a contract that'll hopefully keep us apart. Frankly I'm not ready to take anymore chances. I'm not ready to reach out for another person again. I simply can't. I'm too afraid. Too... I don't even know what. It seems like I'm paralyzed by my own inadequacies. I simply don't feel good enough for you, Trisha. Never ever. And I'm glad I've finally written it. Hopefully I can leave this as a testament to my decision.

I'm letting go of you, Trisha Teo. Because I was stupid to try and hold on to you in the first place. I understand that now. Ugh. I sound so retardedly melodramatic here. But I mean it. I can't continue to hurt myself like this because if I do, I'll never ever be the way I'm supposed to be and I'll never be good enough for anyone. And that's a terrifying thought. I suppose the past few weeks, months even maybe, have been building up to this. Things simply haven't been the same since that time. I've tried, God knows I've tried to just be normal with you. I even thought I'd succeeded. But I suppose I failed without even knowing it. Now I guess the only thing left to do is for me to disappear from your life. I suppose you could call it a "people always leave" situation. But I think of it more as a... I don't have anything to say. Haha. I am leaving and I can't sugar-coat it.

I doubt I'll be missed. You'll be fine Trisha. I know.

*Deep breath* Anyway, that's over and done with. I'm so tired now. This post made absolutely no sense. It's an example of my writing at it's near-worst. I say "near-worst" because while I'm not sure, it could probably be worse than this. I don't know, though. Haha. I never write well when I'm emotional.

In summary, I simply want to say that, it's been a tiring New Year so far. I'm already beginning to wish it was over. Hahaha. I simply hate life at this moment. I'm sure I'll feel better after a good night's sleep.

So I'll just go now. At least there are no tears tonight.

Well none yet, anyway.

Goodnight.

Jared

P.S. I found this and thought it was super funny. Ahaha.

*****

Nobody wants to be lonely,
Nobody wants to cry,
My body's longing to hold you,
So bad it hurts inside,

Time is precious and it's slipping away,
And I've been waiting for you all of my life,
Nobody wants to be lonely tonight,
Why don't you let me love you?

- Ricky Martin & Christina Aguilera, Nobody Wants To Be Lonely

The Big V

It's so hard to say,
But I gotta do what's best for me,
You'll be okay,

I've got to move on and be who I am,
I just don't belong here I hope you understand,
We might find a place in this world someday,
But at least for now,
I gotta go my own way

- Vanessa Anne Hudgens, Gotta Go My Own Way

*****

Okay, the HSM series was lame. But some of the songs were nice! Sue me, I liked them. First and foremost all you people reading this.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

I love you. :D Because that's what today is all about.

I don't have much to say tonight. But In the 12 or so hours since my last post I've come to an epiphany. Of sorts anyway. I was reading "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge again. The book about men. It's seriously awesome. If I was gonna quote all the parts that I liked from it I'd probably have to quote like... 3/4 of the book. So I won't. But let me say what struck me while I was at McDonald's with Anne tonight.

We were talking about this girl right? And Anne says to me "Are you still on her? Come on, for-get about her man!" And I was like silent for a moment. And at that exact moment in John Eldredge's book he was talking about how if you want to recapture your heart you have to fight. And the first step to the fight is in your head. He was also talking about how men, when they feel less than men, when they are afraid that their all isn't enough will seek the validation they didn't get from their fathers or from their friends or whatever. Usually this leads them into a search for a beauty to fight for. And he says something I absolutely LOVE. He says that "While feminity can arouse masculinity, it can never bestow masculinity."

Basically he says that a lot of men look for a woman to validate themselves because they don't feel like real men. And sadly enough I can identify. But he says that something like that can't last because while the man's masculinity may be aroused for awhile, after awhile it dies off and his Beauty is left wholly unsatisfied wondering where the passion went. Of course this got me thinking about myself and my reason's for chasing my Beauty.

You see, this is my view. If I love a person, I want to give them the best of me. I don't want a person to be left wondering where the passion went halfway through. So I've decided, my Beauty to fight for can wait. At least until I'm strong enough to fight properly. I also know that letting go is one step, one swing of my sword in the battle. I want to reclaim the heart that I was supposed to have, before I give it to someone again. Reading this book makes you want to be crazy. (In a good way. I'm plenty crazy in all the other ways already. They're not necessarily bad but.... yeah, shutting up now.)

I'm letting go for now. I can't fight for my heart and try to give it away at the same time. It doesn't make sense. And I don't think it's physically, or emotionally possible anyway. I want to know that I'm the way I was meant to be before I try and become a part of this whole other entity. I don't how long it's going to take. But hopefully I'll be a better person at the end of it.

That doesn't mean I don't like that girl anymore. At least, I don't think it does, ahaha. But I cannot, cannot make her my focus. At least, not until I have my head (and heart) in the right place. It doesn't mean I feel any less strongly about her, doesn't even mean I'm not jealous of her stupid Korean boy anymore. But! I will be the absolute best I can be. (Then that Korean boy is gonna look so useless to her. Hahahaha! Kidding. >_> Sort of. :D)

That's all for tonight I think. In summary?

I'm going to reclaim my heart. The heart I was meant to have from the start. It's something fierce and dangerous, the heart of a warrior. The heart that I've been denied by my circumstances, by the environments I've grown up in. I'm gonna get it back (Or find it, either or.) Then I'll be back.

If you have NO idea what I'm going on about I really really recommend you read "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge. Seriously, it's gonna change my life.

Jared

P.S. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou. Happy Valentine's Day (again). I hate your Korean boy. ^_^ But I'm going to stop bugging you. And I'm going to back off. And we're gonna be good friends. 'Kay? And when I'm all good and proper, I'll be back for you! (Not in a stalkerish way or anything. You know what I mean.)

Ahaha. My feelings for you haven't disappeared. But I'm putting them on the backburner for now. I'll come back to them, though. And if you're not around then. Well like you say "Maybe it wasn't our fate." ^_^ Now for the last time in what could be a long time,

I love you.

Jared

*****

You always dress in yellow,
When you wanna dress in gold,
Instead of listening to your heart,
You do just what you're told,
If you keep waiting where you are,
What you'll never know,
So let's just get into your car,
And go baby go

Why not take a crazy chance,
Why not do a crazy dance,
If you lose the moment,
You may lose a lot
So why not?
Why not?

Oh, I could be the one for you,
Oh yeah, maybe yes maybe no,
Oh, it could be the thing to do,
What I'm saying is you gotta let me know

You'll never get Heaven,
Or even to L.A.
If you don't believe there's a way

- Hilary Duff, Why Not