I can see all obstacles in my way,
Gone are the dark clouds had me down,
It's gonna be a bright, bright, bright, bright, sunshiney day
- Johnny Nash, I Can See Clearly
*****
I was in youth today, listening to Nick's dad speak on missions. And while Nick's dad is one of those people whose voice I could just listen to forever, (the only other person I know like that being Lisa) I found my thoughts drifting off in random directions. And I started thinking about certain changes that I've begun to find taking form within myself lately. First let me begin by telling those not altogether familiar with me that my upbringing has been that of pretty much every "nice guy" around the world. Basically, I've learned to always be polite, mindful of others, and so on and so forth. All the little niceties that make up "civilized life" these days.
Now, never let it be said that I have a problem with manners or being polite. I like being nice to people. I like being polite and unobtrusive. But what I began to find and loathe about myself in the years since I turned 13, was that the way I was taught to live had made me afraid. Afraid to... speak up. Afraid of what others would think of me, or say about me, or do to me. Afraid of offending people, afraid of basically being me. I don't like offending people, but let me throw it out there that, there are people who it is not okay to offend, and people who will just get offended anyway no matter what you do. People it's not okay or easy offend would be your parents and others like that. People who will get offended anyway are people like busybodies in your church who don't know anything about you but feel it's their moral obligation to tell you that reading Harry Potter will make you the Devil's own child.
I don't condemn people for their beliefs. But I can't stand people who don't mind their own business. The catch is that I've always been too afraid to tell them to mind their own business and not push their beliefs or irrational concerns on me. Being afraid to do something, and choosing not to while still retaining the capacity to do so are two very different things. I hated that about myself. I just never said anything because I was too afraid. I mean I'd let complete strangers push me around just because I was too afraid.
Well, what I've begun to notice in myself lately is that, while I not completely unafraid I'm greatly less afraid than I used to be. I not afraid, or at least, not as afraid as I was before. And I think that's the best thing that's happened to me lately. I really don't know what's going on. It's not like everything is suddenyl going right because God-knows things still get messed up. But it seems that it just doesn't bother me anymore. Not that I'm all Zen now or anything. I still get riled up and tense and all. But I don't simmer like I used to. You know that quiet hatred type of anger? That used to be me. Not anymore.
I don't know where this confidence comes from. I really can't explain what's happening to me in any way that's coherent enough to make it easily understood. But to put it simply I've begun to feel like a real person. I mean a real real person. Not a one-dimensional emo-kid, but a full-fledged 3D person with everything that entails. I cant attribute it to anything. I can't really put my finger on what's going on. Maybe it's the books I'm reading or the thoughts I'm thinking, but I'm no longer an emasculated bull. Hahaha. That's a pretty gross analogy actually. Let me think of another. I'm no longer a... de-fanged lion? Hahaha. Something like that.
I realise that, I'm wired a certain way. It's the way I've always been. I've always been a fighter. I've always got to fight something. A couple of years back it was my parents, then it was any nearby authority figures, then it was my now ex-girlfriend's parents. Always always always fighting. Thing is, I never stopped to think what I was fighting for. And the fact that those weren't exactly fights I could win got me down. Like really down. And compound onto that being dumped and that messed me up in the head and in my heart. No longer.
I know what I'm doing now. Sort of. xD I wouldn't say it's a sense of purpose, but more a sense of how things should be and a drive to make them as close as possible to that ideal as I can. For a long time I've been afraid of being myself, afraid of being...fierce is the best way I can describe it. Imagine having a flame burning bright inside you but being afraid of it for God-knows-what reason and chucking water on it to keep it low. Pretty stupid.
I read a book once that talked about banking that flame so that it burns for a purpose, but as strong and bright as ever. And that's just how I feel now. I feel like, I'm finally starting to live. It's not like I've really changed much about my routine or anything. I just begin to see things differently. It's like getting a new lease on life. Everything's brighter and fresh. But maybe that's just me.
Anyway this post was about courage right? Haha. I was thinking about it in my head at youth today. I mean that's where you do most of your thinking... in your head. But anyway. I was thinking about courage. And I was trying to find my own definition for it. See (to go off topic for just a slight bit here) I really admire people who stand up and teach. In any setting. More in church and stuff. But to a lesser extent lecturers and stuff. But not really cause they're paid to do it. But in church people teach because they have something to say. Mostly. xD And I'd really love a chance to be one of them someday, I feel like there's so much I could say, that I want to teach and share. But that'll come or it won't. Anyway, somtimes as I listen to others each I begin to plan "lessons" of my own in my head. >_> Okay that's a little weird but I do it, okay? And I try to remember the stuff for future reference. But since I don't have a platform from which to teach yet, it'll mostly end up on my Blog for now. Hahaha.
Anyway, I was thinking about courage right? And I started thinking that it's a really difficult thing to define. And to be completely honest I couldn't make up a definition of my own. But one from this anime I watched once kept running through my head. Courage is accepting who you really are, what you're really like. That was what the guy in the anime said. I added on to it in my own head though. I thought, courage is accepting who you really are, what you're really like and making that mean something. It's a really vague sort of thing to say but I can't quite seem to articulate my thoughts right now. I forgot my most defining points. Gah.
In short. I think that a lot of people spend a lot of time chasing all kinds of courage. Like people who go around looking for fights to prove something, people who do crazy stuff to prove something. I don't think it's that difficult. I figure it's something everyone's gotta find inside. Kind of like purpose and strength. It's a liberating feeling just knowing that you could stand up to someone but you choose not to as opposed to knowing deep down the only reason you don't is that you're afraid.
I never really understood before when Christians would say that doing something like blessing another person or praying, or reading the Bible a lot would strengthen your faith. Just didn't make sense to me. The two points didn't seem at all congruent. But I sort of understand now. I know I'm not afraid. I don't have to stand up to some jerk to prove it to myself. I don't have to do anything, I just know. And that give me the confidence to do more and more things I've been so afraid to do for so long. Like I said, it's a liberating feeling.
Suddenly the horizon doesn't seem so out of reach. If you catch my meaning. ^_^
It sounds like a load of spiritual idealistic crap.
But what can I say?
I'm just Zen like that. :P
I love my life.
Jared
Now, never let it be said that I have a problem with manners or being polite. I like being nice to people. I like being polite and unobtrusive. But what I began to find and loathe about myself in the years since I turned 13, was that the way I was taught to live had made me afraid. Afraid to... speak up. Afraid of what others would think of me, or say about me, or do to me. Afraid of offending people, afraid of basically being me. I don't like offending people, but let me throw it out there that, there are people who it is not okay to offend, and people who will just get offended anyway no matter what you do. People it's not okay or easy offend would be your parents and others like that. People who will get offended anyway are people like busybodies in your church who don't know anything about you but feel it's their moral obligation to tell you that reading Harry Potter will make you the Devil's own child.
I don't condemn people for their beliefs. But I can't stand people who don't mind their own business. The catch is that I've always been too afraid to tell them to mind their own business and not push their beliefs or irrational concerns on me. Being afraid to do something, and choosing not to while still retaining the capacity to do so are two very different things. I hated that about myself. I just never said anything because I was too afraid. I mean I'd let complete strangers push me around just because I was too afraid.
Well, what I've begun to notice in myself lately is that, while I not completely unafraid I'm greatly less afraid than I used to be. I not afraid, or at least, not as afraid as I was before. And I think that's the best thing that's happened to me lately. I really don't know what's going on. It's not like everything is suddenyl going right because God-knows things still get messed up. But it seems that it just doesn't bother me anymore. Not that I'm all Zen now or anything. I still get riled up and tense and all. But I don't simmer like I used to. You know that quiet hatred type of anger? That used to be me. Not anymore.
I don't know where this confidence comes from. I really can't explain what's happening to me in any way that's coherent enough to make it easily understood. But to put it simply I've begun to feel like a real person. I mean a real real person. Not a one-dimensional emo-kid, but a full-fledged 3D person with everything that entails. I cant attribute it to anything. I can't really put my finger on what's going on. Maybe it's the books I'm reading or the thoughts I'm thinking, but I'm no longer an emasculated bull. Hahaha. That's a pretty gross analogy actually. Let me think of another. I'm no longer a... de-fanged lion? Hahaha. Something like that.
I realise that, I'm wired a certain way. It's the way I've always been. I've always been a fighter. I've always got to fight something. A couple of years back it was my parents, then it was any nearby authority figures, then it was my now ex-girlfriend's parents. Always always always fighting. Thing is, I never stopped to think what I was fighting for. And the fact that those weren't exactly fights I could win got me down. Like really down. And compound onto that being dumped and that messed me up in the head and in my heart. No longer.
I know what I'm doing now. Sort of. xD I wouldn't say it's a sense of purpose, but more a sense of how things should be and a drive to make them as close as possible to that ideal as I can. For a long time I've been afraid of being myself, afraid of being...fierce is the best way I can describe it. Imagine having a flame burning bright inside you but being afraid of it for God-knows-what reason and chucking water on it to keep it low. Pretty stupid.
I read a book once that talked about banking that flame so that it burns for a purpose, but as strong and bright as ever. And that's just how I feel now. I feel like, I'm finally starting to live. It's not like I've really changed much about my routine or anything. I just begin to see things differently. It's like getting a new lease on life. Everything's brighter and fresh. But maybe that's just me.
Anyway this post was about courage right? Haha. I was thinking about it in my head at youth today. I mean that's where you do most of your thinking... in your head. But anyway. I was thinking about courage. And I was trying to find my own definition for it. See (to go off topic for just a slight bit here) I really admire people who stand up and teach. In any setting. More in church and stuff. But to a lesser extent lecturers and stuff. But not really cause they're paid to do it. But in church people teach because they have something to say. Mostly. xD And I'd really love a chance to be one of them someday, I feel like there's so much I could say, that I want to teach and share. But that'll come or it won't. Anyway, somtimes as I listen to others each I begin to plan "lessons" of my own in my head. >_> Okay that's a little weird but I do it, okay? And I try to remember the stuff for future reference. But since I don't have a platform from which to teach yet, it'll mostly end up on my Blog for now. Hahaha.
Anyway, I was thinking about courage right? And I started thinking that it's a really difficult thing to define. And to be completely honest I couldn't make up a definition of my own. But one from this anime I watched once kept running through my head. Courage is accepting who you really are, what you're really like. That was what the guy in the anime said. I added on to it in my own head though. I thought, courage is accepting who you really are, what you're really like and making that mean something. It's a really vague sort of thing to say but I can't quite seem to articulate my thoughts right now. I forgot my most defining points. Gah.
In short. I think that a lot of people spend a lot of time chasing all kinds of courage. Like people who go around looking for fights to prove something, people who do crazy stuff to prove something. I don't think it's that difficult. I figure it's something everyone's gotta find inside. Kind of like purpose and strength. It's a liberating feeling just knowing that you could stand up to someone but you choose not to as opposed to knowing deep down the only reason you don't is that you're afraid.
I never really understood before when Christians would say that doing something like blessing another person or praying, or reading the Bible a lot would strengthen your faith. Just didn't make sense to me. The two points didn't seem at all congruent. But I sort of understand now. I know I'm not afraid. I don't have to stand up to some jerk to prove it to myself. I don't have to do anything, I just know. And that give me the confidence to do more and more things I've been so afraid to do for so long. Like I said, it's a liberating feeling.
Suddenly the horizon doesn't seem so out of reach. If you catch my meaning. ^_^
It sounds like a load of spiritual idealistic crap.
But what can I say?
I'm just Zen like that. :P
I love my life.
Jared
*****
Have heart my dear,
We're bound to be afraid,
Even if it's just for a few days,
Making up for all this mess,
Light up, light up,
As if you have a choice,
Even if you cannot hear my voice,
I'll be right beside you dear,
- Snow Patrol, Run
7 comments:
Ahaha. Heyyy which Lisa you mean la? (Not that I perasan or anything, just checking XD)
Anyways, it's good that you've realized that about yourself. And you're growing. :)
Continue to have courage, Jare. :P
How many Lisas you think I know, ah? :P
Awwwwww. You could listen to me forever? XD
I KNOW, right??? People just can't help it, I guess. *shrugs*
teeheee
Hope you're doing well, you. *hugs*
And you called ME perasan? :O You ah... pot calling the kettle black only. :P
I'm doing awesome, babe. ;p
Ahaha I may be perasan, but I bow to the His Ultimate Perasantedness - YOU. XD
Ooh, ooh, can I be the kettle instead? I just like being the kettle better than a, em, pot. >.<
That's awesome bro! ;P
Courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Being courageous does not mean that you are not afraid, it simply means that you do not let that fear paralyze you from doing what you know is right!
I like my definition better. Haha.
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