Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Foolish Heart

Foolish heart,
Hear me calling,
Stop before,
You start falling,
Foolish heart,
Heed my warning,
You've been wrong before,
Don't be wrong anymore

- Steve Perry, Foolish Heart

*****

In the movie Hitch Will Smith brings Eva Mendez to this thing called the kissing post. He explains that when they met at this post after a long absence people would kiss each other. Then he says "Now what would qualify as a long absence?" He steps offscreen for half a second then steps back into the frame. "Like how 'bout that? That count?" Haha. If there was such a thing, I would totally qualify for like... a million kisses. Though it doesn't say that the longer you've been apart the more kisses you get. But I think that should totally be the rule. Now the only thing to do is find that person to kiss and I'll be all set! No big deal.

Well, what's been going on with me? Why have I not been posting. Well other than not really having the willpower to stick to something like this, I suppose the most glaring reason is that I just haven't felt that anything's ben happening in my life, thus there was no reason to write anything? When things are going wrong and things there are plenty of exciting ways to write about them and such. But when everything settles down my life really is rather mundane. I can, in fact, give an update in about two sentences. I decided not to got to college and work instead. However I have now found a job at 8tv and am going back to college as well. There probably the most mention-worthy things in my life.

Oh, my birthday passed. I didn't post anything since then. Haha. I meant to post up pictures of all the presents I got. But I forgot. Maybe next post. I've had a lot of time to think as of late. The only problem with thinking is, it makes you scared. Well technically I'm always scared, but thinking makes me more scared. I suppose just taking the first step and getting that job and going to finish my degree is a good thing. I never really foresaw myself being at this point in my life. Which is strange because I'm not Peter Pan. I was always bound to grow up someday. I suppose what I meant to say is that I didn't expect growing up to be so...confusing and scary.

There are so many things you want to accomplish, but as you get older you start to compromise on what you want. You shy away from some things and settle for less than you really wanted because you were afriad to go out and try. Because if you try and you fail, you're a failure right? If you don't try you can't fail and thus, instead of being a failure, you're simply a loser. And being a loser is so much easier to adjust to, isn't it? I always thought that by the time I got to this part in my life I'd know everything about myself. Know everything I wanted, and have the courage to go out and get it all. But the reality is far more harsh than anything a youngster's mind can comprehend.

In Transformers the line they liked to use was "No sacrifice; no victory." Which I think is an apt description of anything you'd want to do in life. There is so much you have to give up if you want to get where you want to go. Things like time on the computer, or lazy days where all you have to do is lay around and watch TV. Or even days where you just hang out with friends. Because friends grow up and go to work and you don't see them. And you? You have to get your own life in gear, because if you don't how're you ever going to move? I had a sort of plan, it seemed simple enough at the time.

1) Become rich and famous singer

2) Get married at 20-21 [Which implies that I would have to be rich by then right? Or at least have some money to my name >_>]

3) Have four kids [That's two girls and two boys]

4) Take care of everyone I care about. [That's everyone. The plan is to buy a humongous plot of land and build tonnes and tonnes of houses on it and bring all my special people to live there with me in our own little community.]

My dad says that to have a plan what you need is an image of your end result, what your "gotten it all" will look like. Then you work backwards from there to get what you want. He asked my what my picture was and I could answer him. But now I can. When I think of myself, I don't actually see myself living it up like a celebrity. I see a modest life, normal house, sports cars, surrounded by family and friends, and my wife [my lovely wife, who I have yet to meet, I am running out of time -_-] with me all the time being a pillar of strength, probably in some cold country so I can wear all those awesome clothes I've always wanted to wear but people would think you were insane for wearing in Malaysia. [IE: trench-coats, leather-ish jackets, think Zac Efron in 17 Again that kind of look]

I think I would be completely happy with that kind of life. Thing is, I have no idea what I'm doing half the time. I don't know what I should do or what I shouldn't do. And really it gets to a point where I want to just do everything, but it's all so frightening I end up...not. Lately though I find that if I keep moving? Keep just..doing something, even if I don't know why or even if I should? It generally works. I've just been listening to my parents [I know, shocker right? It actually works? Haha.] since I have no idea where to go right now.

Truthfully I didn't want to go to college. I don't.. study well. I'm just bad at all that stuff. But having the degree will help at least. And I can see that. Which is why I'm going back. It's all baby steps I suppose. It gets frustrating sometimes because there are no guarantees in life. There's no guarantee that if I work hard at something anything will come of it. There's no guarantee that any of my dreams will see fruition. And I guess that's one of things that tends to get a person down, you never know what's going to happen.

When I was younger I think that idea appealed to me a lot more. And I don't know if some people take longer to reach this point in their lives than I have or what, but what I know is that what I'm really looking for in life right now is stability. Not to say that my life isn't stable. It is, my family is great, home is great. But stability for me, inside me and around me. I feel that I need to be able to be certain of at least some things if I can't be about all things.

I've been dreaming of a girl lately. Not a specific girl. This girl in my mind is faceless, at least for now. But I know what she's like, and I know that she's the girl. I haven't found her yet. Thing is, I'm beyond the need for just a companion. I mean yeah, having a girlfriend is a trip. It's great and exciting and all. But to be frank, what I'm looking for is a wife. Not to say that I want to get married now. I know I'm not exactly ready for that yet. But what I mean is, I am looking for a girl with the capacity to be the sort of wife I've been needing. Do I miss having the closeness? Yes. But that's neither here nor there. I read somewhere once that there comes a time in a boy's life when he feels the need to take a girl in his arms, to care for and protect her, yet also to be taken care of and loved by her. And it's at this point that he starts to become a man. I've also read that men are defined by the women they love.

It's a strange thought that I'd be thinking these sorts of things at my age. I mean, most people my age are out at clubs, parties, malls, this would be the best, most exciting, craziest year of their life. And I'm sitting like an old man wishing this would all be over because I feel it's a waste of my time. I'm not quite sure what that says about me. Haha.

There's an itch in me. An itch to be great. To do things that people only dream of. To live and fight, and love, and experience everything just as fiercely and passionately as the heroes of the books I've read. I used to think that that entailed modeling myself into one of the heroes from my books and comics, and movies. But no, I can't be like that. All I know is, there is something burning inside me. Something fierce and big and wild. Something that wants to push me toward the greatness that I desire. It wants to come out, it wants me to be fearless and push forward. But there is the part of me that has been the only me that I have known for the majority of my life. The part that just wants to settle for what I have now. The part that wants to stay comfortable and not fight or push. Because it's simply safer.

In conclusion, I think I"m confused. I'm trying to grow up, but at the same time I want to stay a child because it's safer, more comfortable. It's all very confusing, really. And while an older, wiser person may think I'm being ridiculous, that the path before me is clear as day, I simply cannot see it. In one of the LOTR movies, Aragorn falls asleep and dreams of Arwen, and in the dream he says to her her, "My path is hidden from me." to which she replies him "No, it is already laid before your feet."

I guess it feels something like that. I can't see what I'm supposed to do to be what I'm meant to be. And until I can see it, I'm too afraid to move. Because what if I go wrong? What if I go so far wrong that I miss it and can never get it back?

Where is my Elven Princess? My dream-girl who will soothe those fears? I dunno.

I think... I need to get out more.

Hahaha.

'Til next time,
Jared

*****

I need a love that's strong,
I'm so tired of being alone,
But will my lonely heart,
Play the part,
Of the fool again,
Before I begin,

- Steve Perry, Foolish Heart