In a darkened room,
And you're all alone,
Looking out the window,
Your heart is cold and lost the will to love,
Like a broken arrow,
Here I stand in the shadows,
Come to me,
Come to me,
Can't you see?
- Ricky Martin & Christina Aguilera, Nobody Wants To Be Lonely
*****
Okay, I've decided. I'm over you. ^_^ Not because I'm angry, not because I'm hurt. Not really because of any other emotion I have, it's more of a desire for self preservation. I would rather not set myself up for another round of "Whack-a-Jared" or some game that would just as painful to me. That is emotionally, of course. I find that trying to engage/have/sustain a relationship with someone who's made it clear that do not, and most probably will never want you in return as badly as you want them, is simply not worth it. It's not worth the stress, and it's surely not worth the heartache. I'd be better off being miserable alone. At least in that depression there isn't the knowledge that the other party is fine and happy enough without you to make it worse.
But anyway, I haven't put up this new blog post to whine about my relationship or more accurately, my lack of one. No, that first bit was simply because I was rather... hurt by some words I found the other day. So I made a decision. Anyway, this post is about well as usual, life. Haha. I find that I'm growing increasingly tired of the way things are. Upon reading this my parents will probably comment that it's because I am unmotivated and am currently wasting my life away at home and not amounting to anything. And in this assumption there are doubtlessly correct. So as a reasonable person, I suppose it would be the logical thing to say that I have thus forfeited my rights to whine about my life. And yes, I suppose I would be inclined to agree with that statement.
But tonight, I feel unreasonable. And thus I will allow myself to whine to my heart's content. Simply because I can. I'm going to bemoan how unfair life is, how cruel life is, how it seems to throw everything it can at you. Or at least I would, but frankly I find that I can't be bothered to do so. Everyone knows everything I could possibly write. Everyone already knows just how much life sucks, some more so than others, but really I don't think the degree to which it sucks for any one person really matters. Simply the fact that it is often nigh unbearable would be enough.
I'm tired, spiritually and emotionally more so than physically, though that has it's place as well. I'm angry and upset and I want to break something. Sometimes it feels like everything is spiraling out of control. It's easy to get caught up in... nothing. To the point that you forget what it felt like when your life meant something.
I love the fact that the people who I care about, who I invested my time in caring for, in helping to heal are whole again. Sarah and Ian, this is you. And maybe to a lesser extent Zoe, though you helped me as much if not more than I ever did you. I love the fact that I was able to do something for someone else. That I was useful if not necessarily valued at all times. I know we may not be 100% but then, who is right?
Sarah and Ian, my emo buddies. Haha. You're the best. I really don't know what I'd have done after Jern without you two. And truthfully, I don't know what I'd do without you even now. When things get crazy and threaten to topple us I know I can depend on you guys to be there with stupid jokes we can crack until 3am to keep each other from crying. I know that things aren't always necessarily perfect between us. But we try. And I hope that we'll always have each other to depend on because life just sucks way too much for one person to endure on their own sometimes.
I often wonder if I'd actually killed myself back when I was 14 years old, would it have been better than living the way I am now? But then, giving up isn't something I can stomach, and I hate people who kill themselves, it's stupid and cowardly.
This time however, I must give up. Because if I'm going to grow at all as a person, I have to let go of everything that's hurting me or holding me back. And it's a hard hard thing to do. I really wish I could make things different from how they are. I wish that I could maybe erase our meeting or make it so that she'd actually see me the way I see her. I've never even typed her name in relation to posts like these because it made it seem so final, so definite. Like if I typed it I was bound to stay enthralled to her forever because Id typed it, like a contract. So I never used her name. But I guess I can now.
Because this time, it's a contract that'll hopefully keep us apart. Frankly I'm not ready to take anymore chances. I'm not ready to reach out for another person again. I simply can't. I'm too afraid. Too... I don't even know what. It seems like I'm paralyzed by my own inadequacies. I simply don't feel good enough for you, Trisha. Never ever. And I'm glad I've finally written it. Hopefully I can leave this as a testament to my decision.
I'm letting go of you, Trisha Teo. Because I was stupid to try and hold on to you in the first place. I understand that now. Ugh. I sound so retardedly melodramatic here. But I mean it. I can't continue to hurt myself like this because if I do, I'll never ever be the way I'm supposed to be and I'll never be good enough for anyone. And that's a terrifying thought. I suppose the past few weeks, months even maybe, have been building up to this. Things simply haven't been the same since that time. I've tried, God knows I've tried to just be normal with you. I even thought I'd succeeded. But I suppose I failed without even knowing it. Now I guess the only thing left to do is for me to disappear from your life. I suppose you could call it a "people always leave" situation. But I think of it more as a... I don't have anything to say. Haha. I am leaving and I can't sugar-coat it.
I doubt I'll be missed. You'll be fine Trisha. I know.
*Deep breath* Anyway, that's over and done with. I'm so tired now. This post made absolutely no sense. It's an example of my writing at it's near-worst. I say "near-worst" because while I'm not sure, it could probably be worse than this. I don't know, though. Haha. I never write well when I'm emotional.
In summary, I simply want to say that, it's been a tiring New Year so far. I'm already beginning to wish it was over. Hahaha. I simply hate life at this moment. I'm sure I'll feel better after a good night's sleep.
So I'll just go now. At least there are no tears tonight.
Well none yet, anyway.
Goodnight.
Jared
P.S. I found this and thought it was super funny. Ahaha.
But anyway, I haven't put up this new blog post to whine about my relationship or more accurately, my lack of one. No, that first bit was simply because I was rather... hurt by some words I found the other day. So I made a decision. Anyway, this post is about well as usual, life. Haha. I find that I'm growing increasingly tired of the way things are. Upon reading this my parents will probably comment that it's because I am unmotivated and am currently wasting my life away at home and not amounting to anything. And in this assumption there are doubtlessly correct. So as a reasonable person, I suppose it would be the logical thing to say that I have thus forfeited my rights to whine about my life. And yes, I suppose I would be inclined to agree with that statement.
But tonight, I feel unreasonable. And thus I will allow myself to whine to my heart's content. Simply because I can. I'm going to bemoan how unfair life is, how cruel life is, how it seems to throw everything it can at you. Or at least I would, but frankly I find that I can't be bothered to do so. Everyone knows everything I could possibly write. Everyone already knows just how much life sucks, some more so than others, but really I don't think the degree to which it sucks for any one person really matters. Simply the fact that it is often nigh unbearable would be enough.
I'm tired, spiritually and emotionally more so than physically, though that has it's place as well. I'm angry and upset and I want to break something. Sometimes it feels like everything is spiraling out of control. It's easy to get caught up in... nothing. To the point that you forget what it felt like when your life meant something.
I love the fact that the people who I care about, who I invested my time in caring for, in helping to heal are whole again. Sarah and Ian, this is you. And maybe to a lesser extent Zoe, though you helped me as much if not more than I ever did you. I love the fact that I was able to do something for someone else. That I was useful if not necessarily valued at all times. I know we may not be 100% but then, who is right?
Sarah and Ian, my emo buddies. Haha. You're the best. I really don't know what I'd have done after Jern without you two. And truthfully, I don't know what I'd do without you even now. When things get crazy and threaten to topple us I know I can depend on you guys to be there with stupid jokes we can crack until 3am to keep each other from crying. I know that things aren't always necessarily perfect between us. But we try. And I hope that we'll always have each other to depend on because life just sucks way too much for one person to endure on their own sometimes.
I often wonder if I'd actually killed myself back when I was 14 years old, would it have been better than living the way I am now? But then, giving up isn't something I can stomach, and I hate people who kill themselves, it's stupid and cowardly.
This time however, I must give up. Because if I'm going to grow at all as a person, I have to let go of everything that's hurting me or holding me back. And it's a hard hard thing to do. I really wish I could make things different from how they are. I wish that I could maybe erase our meeting or make it so that she'd actually see me the way I see her. I've never even typed her name in relation to posts like these because it made it seem so final, so definite. Like if I typed it I was bound to stay enthralled to her forever because Id typed it, like a contract. So I never used her name. But I guess I can now.
Because this time, it's a contract that'll hopefully keep us apart. Frankly I'm not ready to take anymore chances. I'm not ready to reach out for another person again. I simply can't. I'm too afraid. Too... I don't even know what. It seems like I'm paralyzed by my own inadequacies. I simply don't feel good enough for you, Trisha. Never ever. And I'm glad I've finally written it. Hopefully I can leave this as a testament to my decision.
I'm letting go of you, Trisha Teo. Because I was stupid to try and hold on to you in the first place. I understand that now. Ugh. I sound so retardedly melodramatic here. But I mean it. I can't continue to hurt myself like this because if I do, I'll never ever be the way I'm supposed to be and I'll never be good enough for anyone. And that's a terrifying thought. I suppose the past few weeks, months even maybe, have been building up to this. Things simply haven't been the same since that time. I've tried, God knows I've tried to just be normal with you. I even thought I'd succeeded. But I suppose I failed without even knowing it. Now I guess the only thing left to do is for me to disappear from your life. I suppose you could call it a "people always leave" situation. But I think of it more as a... I don't have anything to say. Haha. I am leaving and I can't sugar-coat it.
I doubt I'll be missed. You'll be fine Trisha. I know.
*Deep breath* Anyway, that's over and done with. I'm so tired now. This post made absolutely no sense. It's an example of my writing at it's near-worst. I say "near-worst" because while I'm not sure, it could probably be worse than this. I don't know, though. Haha. I never write well when I'm emotional.
In summary, I simply want to say that, it's been a tiring New Year so far. I'm already beginning to wish it was over. Hahaha. I simply hate life at this moment. I'm sure I'll feel better after a good night's sleep.
So I'll just go now. At least there are no tears tonight.
Well none yet, anyway.
Goodnight.
Jared
P.S. I found this and thought it was super funny. Ahaha.
*****
Nobody wants to be lonely,
Nobody wants to cry,
My body's longing to hold you,
So bad it hurts inside,
Time is precious and it's slipping away,
And I've been waiting for you all of my life,
Nobody wants to be lonely tonight,
Why don't you let me love you?
- Ricky Martin & Christina Aguilera, Nobody Wants To Be Lonely
1 comment:
Don't ever feel that you aren't good enough for someone. Cos that's NOT TRUE. That's a fact, regardless of how you feel at this moment. Whatever it is, you'll come out of it, stronger and a better person, I know you will. The fact that you're trying all you can to do so shows character. You don't give up. You're that kinda person, I can tell. So keep doing what you're doing. You'll emerge from that tunnel, into the light. And it will be liberating!
One day, there will be that someone special, that someone you were MEANT to be with, and you will mean everything to her. There is no "who's good enough for who", won't even cross your mind.
She's out there. Believe it. I wish it for you :)
All the best Jare. Remember, you can RAR me anytime XD
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