Tell Me Something Good

Tell me something good,
Tell me that you love me,

- Pink, Tell Me Something Good

*****

I feel like I'm letting everyone down.

I feel useless and worthless.

Am I letting everyone down? I don't feel good enough anymore, if I ever did.

I'm really really tired and I really really want a way out.

Sometimes it seems so long since I haven't felt this way. But I know that isn't true. I know that I've been happy and almost joyful in between these times. I suppose the smart thing to do would be to try and uncover the root of the problem. What is it that is making me borderline manic depressive.

Haha. I know that people are getting sick of me being this way. It's not something they have to say, I just know. I mean come on, who likes being around an unhappy person right? But then, that all becomes part of the vicious circle, right? No one likes sad people, so you pretend to be happy, but then you go home and hate yourself even more because you're such a fake and you don't know how to really be happy.

This is a stupid thing to type on your blog. But I needed to let it be known. I feel like I'm letting everyone down. Worthless. Stupid. Useless. It feels like I'm utterly devoid of any quality that would draw another human being. Honestly, I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of acting like it doesn't get to me. I'm tired of acting like I can handle it when I actually can't. I want to scream and thrash and curl up in a ball and bawl my eyes out and not have to move until I'm good and damn well ready to get up and start all over again. But that's not the way things work.

The way things work is, you have to get up every morning, and you have to get your game face on, get your fake smile on along with your suit and tie, or whatever. You have to step out of your house into the big bad world, or worse, step out of your room into your own home, and you have to play the game again. You have to play the game where everyone has to like you, where you have things you'd like to say to a person but you choke it back down in your gut because you weren't raised to say those kinds of things, because you're too much of a coward to say what you mean. You have to get up, and try to kill the hope that maybe, maybe today will be better than the day before because at least then if it isn't, or if it's worse, you don't feel so bad about it.

We all got our bad days. That's the stupid line I spout to people I care about when I'm cheering them up. In all honesty, if I could go back and relive my life. I'd do everything differently. I'd make my choices differently. I'd have told that girl way back when just how I felt, and I would have fought for her. I would have hit that guy I wanted to hit, and gone off on all those people who I always knew deserved it. I would have asserted myself, I would have been loud and crazy, and fierce. Not like this. I don't think anyone would ever choose to be like this. If I could sum up myself in one word that encapsulates every facet of me. Not just the choices that people see, but the whole myriad that they don't. If I could condense it all into one word, the only word I could find for myself would be 'coward.'

I have this group of friends who I love, make no mistake. We usually get our kicks by just making fun of each other, calling each other stupid names and making each other sound stupid. Truthfully, I've always felt stupid around them. I've always felt like I know nothing like I'm somehow beneath them. But usually I can laugh it off. Usually I can keep smiling and just say something like "Shut up! Haha." or "No, your face is stupid. Haha." But they came over tonight. And I couldn't. Just couldn't. I wanted to run, just get out of my own house. Haha. Far away from them so I wouldn't feel so small.

I read this thing recently, it went like this:

*****

I am me,
And being me,
I can only dream,

But if I were a tree,
I'd be a very tall tree,
I'd survey my surroundings,
And do all in my power,
To protect all the other trees,

But I am me,
And being me,
I can only dream,

But if I were a bird,
I'd have huge wings,
That would allow me to soar,
High into the Heavens,
So high,
So very, very high,

But I am me,
And being me,
I can only dream,

But if I were a flower,
I'd have vibrant colours,
And scents so sweet and inviting,

But I am me,
And being me,
I can only dream,

I am not a tree,

I am not a bird,

I am not a flower,

I am me,

And being me,

I can only dream...

*****

I think that sums up almost exactly how I feel. I don't know who wrote it, and I can't find it on the web. But I like it.

But I'd say this.

I can only dream,
But at least,
I am me.

Jared

*****

I had a dream that I could fly,
I can feel each moment as time goes by,
You'd never too far away,
You would always be here I heard you say,

I never thought,
Thought that it would be our last goodbye,
I still can dream,
That one day love will fall down from the sky,

Do you still remember,
All the time that has gone by?
Do you still believe that,
Love can fall down from the sky?
If from where you're standing,
You can see the sky above,
I'll waiting for you,
If you still believe in love

- Dennis Martin & Elsa Raven (The Legend of Dragoon OST),
If You Still Believe