Let It Go

"I had a picture of you in my mind,
Never knew it could be so wrong,
Why'd it take me so long just to find,
The friend that was there all along?"

- Boyzone, Picture of You

Whooo, staying awake for more than 32 hours at a time isn't something I'd recommend as a healthy practice. xD Yeah, that's just one of the things I wanted to throw out there. It's a very important little fact, y'know? Anyways, on to more serious matters.

I dislike human nature. And I'll tell you why. Because it's human nature to hold on to things long after it's wise, or even good for us. Examples? The guy who holds on to his house even though he can't pay the mortgage and keeps going deeper and deeper in debt, just cause he wants to look cool. The guy who holds on to the "fact" that he was right when he was obviously wrong. The girl who holds on to the guy who's obviously doing nothing but causing her pain. The people who cling to the dream of "having someone" even though all the cards have been laid on the table and you were dealt a losing hand. I dislike holding on to things because it gives you a reason to wallow. Wah wah wah, I feel so bad because she doesn't like me. Wah wah wah, I feel so bad because I'm 7 million dollars in debt and can't find a way out. Wah wah wah, why can't I stop loving him even though he's hurting me? Sure, wallowing has it's place. Everyone loves a good wallow, but then you can be so down that you forget how to be up.

People can't be blamed, of course. It's human nature to want things, maybe even need them. And I know firsthand how hard it can be to let go of something. It's like holding on tight to a bar or something for hours while you're on a speedboat or something. When you let go, your hand is cramped in place and it's difficult to get it off the bar. Or playing guitar, your left hand forms chords, you play long enough, it cramps in position and even if you take it off the guitar it's difficult to get your fingers to do exactly what you want for awhile. So yes, even physically it can be hard to let go sometimes. The thing is, it's probably more painful in the long run, to hold on to that thing/person/guitar/bar/whatever.

"Those who expect nothing are never disappointed."
-
Mrs. Rachel Lynde, Anne of Green Gables

Well, I don't think I can buy into the philosophy. Of course it's easy to give up on dreams and hopes and wants. But well, the easy way out isn't always the best. I mean sure, if you're stuck in a burning building on the ground floor and the door is on fire, then the window is the easiest way out. Jump. But if it's still the easiest way out on the 40th floor, it isn't exactly the best way out, is it? As I've written before, I set my heart very fully on things and it tends to end up with me being hurt. Yes it does. But then, not hoping isn't the answer. I think not trying is a worse crime than not succeeding to live. Even if you tried and failed, you tried. In the words of Bruce Lee, "If it kills you, it kills you."

For myself and many people I know, this year has been a big one. We're 17. And yes, while it isn't as big a change as being oh say...18 xD or 20, it's still an important year. At 17 kids are leaving school for college, or leaving school to try and work, or trying to make it in the music industry. 17 is a crossroads in the life of any person, and I think the choices that are made this year will go a long way to deciding whether or not we reach the goals and dreams we set out for ourselves.

And if we're holding on to all that baggage, we'll never make it. Who's ever tried climbing a ladder with a heavy backpack on? I climbed a mountain :P Not much fun is it? I'm an advocate of letting things go. It doesn't do to hold on to the hurt and pain. It doesn't do to let the painful past dictate your current and future actions. Of course, I'm still learning as I go. Sometimes the old fear creeps up and I just want to close myself off. But then, that's the point. Letting it go. Being free. The only thing caging a lot of people is themselves. The only thing keeping them from that girl/guy they want (unless of course the girl/guy is fictional, then...sorry for you la. :P) the only thing keeping them from breaking out into the music scene like they want, is what's in their head.

Though it isn't all their fault, as young people these days we're so bombarded by things that say we're not good enough unless we're super skinny, or have perfect teeth, or look like Brad Pitt. We have people saying things like "So many pimples la you." or not disagreeing with us and telling us to shut up when we call ourselves fat. It's hard to find your self-identity when everything pressures you to be a certain way. See, everyone was made unique, right? That means everyone has their own color to add to the rainbow of humanity, but then people tell us we all have to be the same, act the same, and we listen! Can you imagine a rainbow that was all ultraviolet? Yeah, see how much you'd enjoy looking at that.

What I'm saying is, there's nothing to be afraid of. We, teenagers in general and those who've turned seventeen this year in particular, have made the future such a big scary thing. But it's less complicated than we give it credit for. If you fail, you fail la. Try again. If you go bankrupt? Work your ass off, pay it off, and try again. If he/she doesn't love you the way you wanted? Boo-hoo. Suck it up. xD Just kidding. So what if they don't love you the way you wanted? What's the big deal? Is the world going to crack? One more thing, don't listen to your idiot friends who tell you stupid things like "Aiya, she doesn't deserve you la." or "You're too good for him, really wan!" Cause that's stupid. Running people down to make yourself feel better is stupid.

The trick is to forget. Forget that guy who molested you when you were just a kid. Forget that girl who spurned you with utmost disdain because she was white and you're not. Forget the person who hurt you, who said "It's a waste of time trying to love a person like that." Forget the loss you had in that talent competition, the bad grades you got, the nasty jibes. Forget it all. And just LIVE. I'm not talking about existentialism, living in the moment. Never looking ahead or back. I'm talking about grabbing a wasp and yanking that little bugger's sting off so he can never hurt you again. (Metaphorically speaking. Don't go around killing wasps, that's mean. ^_^) Taking the hurt out of your memories so that you're free to live your life.

In gist? Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to go for what you want with all you have. Cause as long as you're alive you can't lose.

"Never give up, never surrender."
-
Tim Allen as Captain Jason Nesmith, Galaxy Quest

*****

"I've got something to tell ya,
I've got something to say,
I'm gonna put this dream in motion,
Gonna let nothing stand in my way,

I'm gonna get myself 'cross the river,
That's the price I'm willing to pay,
I'm gonna make you stand and deliver,
And give me love in the old-fashioned way"

- Boyzone, When The Going Gets Tough

*****

I'm gonna buy me a one way ticket,
Nothing's gonna hold me back. Hee, I love that song.

There's nothing to be scared of.

There never was :)

Jared

Let The Good Times Roll

"I'll taste every moment,
And live it out loud,
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be more than a name,
Or a face in the crowd,
I know this is the time,
This is the time of my life"
- David Cook, The Time of My Life

Well, Zoe asked me to make my next blog post a happy one. Well, she made me promise, actually. So I shall endeavour to do my best. Of course, as it's a rather large deviation from my normal sort of writing, you'll have to excuse me if I'm not any good at it. But then, I've heard that the only failure is failure to try. Ahaha. So, I won't be doing that.

So I will begin by...describing things that I like about myself. Yes, it's encouraging and perfectly egotistical. I'll do it! Haha. Well, I've written before how most people don't see the value in themselves. How it's easy to become your own harshest critic until you can't see anything worth, uh...anything in yourself. Well, to counter-act that, I think the only thing a person can do is encourage themselves, because people are notorious for not encouraging others without cause. I mean, comforting others is one thing. But encouraging them to like who they are, to value who they are is a completely different matter. As the saying goes "Know thyself." That means all aspects, the good and the bad.

First off, what do I like about myself? I like...my jawline. xD Well, it's true. It's a very defined jawline, so I like the way it turns out in pictures. Like, compare this picture of myself when I was about...14 I think:


To this picture of my current self:


From no visible jawline, to very solid looking jawline! :D Well, I just thought I'd point that out. Of course, some people will say I just got skinnier, but that's not true! I gained weight. :P So, that's the first thing I like about myself, my jawline. ^_^ I can ignore my left eye being a little smaller than my right, my messed up front tooth, even the stuuuupid pimples, all because of my jawline. :D I'm not vain. I'm just...giving credit where credit is due? ^_^ Everyone needs their one redeeming feature, right?

Anyway, that's just a tiny physical thing. What I was talking about goes a little deeper. Qualities like endurance, and fortitude, and courage. I think it's easy to sell yourself short sometimes. I mean, for example I've been calling myself weak for so long but I forgot just how stubborn I really am. Or perhaps I've only underestimated the way I'd react to life's small pleasures. I read in Anne of Green Gables that when we're upset we feel like we have to stay upset, because it feels like a betrayal of ourselves if we let ourselves be happy again. We feel that we have to keep on being miserable because we shouldn't be happy. And of course, written down, it seems like a perfectly ludicrous idea, but you'd be surprised the ability of people to perform ludicrous things.

Really, life is a fickle thing. It's like a person who chucks you down a really deep hole, then lowers you a ladder, helps you out and is all like, "Sorry about that. Just messing with ya. Let's hit a party!" But the thing it, even though it's the thing that knocks you down, it simply refuses to let you be unhappy for any extended period of time. Which is something I begin to learn more and more lately. I mean, I catch myself singing happy songs! "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" isn't exactly the best emo song around. But it's a redeeming point, I suppose that you can't stay down.

I read, in Anne of Avonlea (I like the Anne of Green Gables series, I'm a romantic, shut up >_>) that "A broken heart is like a bad tooth. It takes bad spells and hurts something fierce until you can't sleep. But in between those times it leaves you alone to enjoy all the golden days of life." So I figure, I may as well focus on enjoying those "Golden Days." I've already had all the practice I'll ever need with the "hurting something fierce" I've like, mastered being depressed. So I think I should work on learning to just kick back and enjoy the good parts of life now.

It doesn't mean that I'm suddenly always perky. It doesn't mean that I stop fretting about how the girl I'm enamored of feels about me. It doesn't even mean that I'm happy now. It just means that like everyone else, I think learning to enjoy yourself is just as important as learning to be emo. They're both useful life-skills dontcha know? Ahaha!

So, that having been said, I suppose I'll conclude for tonight by injecting a little ray of light to brighten my, and possibly your outlook on life just a little. Every night ends, every storm blows over, and every wound heals. They leave scars, and fears, and nightmares. But every unpleasant thing comes to an end. I guess we just gotta keep hoping.

I hope for everyone. That's what messes me up sometimes. But I don't mind. People need someone to hope for them sometimes.

Whatever dreams may come,
I'll take them all,
The good and the bad,

Because hey,
Life's just like that, ^_^

Jared

Bend 'Til You Break

I bought a new book today, "Fighting Spirit" the Bruce Lee biography. I don't really read biographies, I think it's boring. But 1) Bruce Lee is awesomeness incarnate, and 2) The quote on one of the first few pages struck me. It goes like this:

"If you always put limits on yourself and what you can do, physical or anything, you might as well be dead. It will spread into your work, your morality, your entire being. There are no limits, only plateaux. But you must not stay there, you must go beyond them. If it kills you, it kills you." - Bruce Lee

I've been told lately that my blog writing has become "weak." A statement which may have aggravated me in no small way several years ago. But now serves only to make me think, a little. I was also told "go and read better books." So I think Bruce Lee is a good place to start. But before I begin to delve again into the realms of philosophy of which I am sadly not all too adept, let me first continue awhile in the musings of a frightened little seventeen-year-old.

It's very easy to believe yourself or feel older than you actually are, specially in a day and age such at this. It's very easy to grow jaded because things you aim for and hope for and dream for never seem to materialize. Of course, impatience may play a part in the adding to the seemingly agonizingly long amount of time between dream and realization, but that's something for the discussion of another time. Tonight, I'll simply be me and talk about things I know of.

Let's begin, shall we? To be honest, this week hasn't been wonderful. Physically, mentally, emotionally. It's been like a great big typhoon sweeping through and picking all the pieces (broken and incomplete pieces, but pieces nonetheless) of my life and destroying the neat little piles I'd made up of them. Physically, I somehow strained my right shoulder at work on Wednesday, and it's been hurting ever since. It's still hurting now making bending over the keyboard a rather more painful experience than necessary. Mentally, I started a new job. And it's pretty much easy as cashiering jobs are apt to be. But there are certain duties I need to perform that take a certain amount of brain power and memorization. Compound onto the the mental anguish of useless band-mates and non-committed actors in Christmas productions and you get a pretty little mess.

Emotionally. Well, my emotions have always been a roller-coaster. Or at least since I turned about thirteen they have been. I was watching "Seven" yesterday. It's a Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman movie. And in it, Brad Pitt's character professes to "feed off his emotions." At the end of the movie, his wife is killed by the antagonist and her head sent to him in a box. Brad Pitt's character, "feeds off his emotions" loses his temper and empties his gun into the handcuffed and kneeling antagonist. Yeah. Pretty intense, huh? But it served to get me thinking. What would I have done in his place? Truth be told, I'd probably have done much much worse.

I've come to the realization, that I'm very bad at dealing with my emotions. Running away from and hiding them I'm very good at, but dealing with them is a different matter entirely. I remember when I was dumped three months ago, something ugly and huge and mean welled up inside of me. I was so blind with this primal emotion which was so much more than anger, or sadness. Something huge and terrible squeezing at my chest. I walked through Mid Valley not knowing where I was going, not noticing who I bumped into. I just clenched my fists over and over until my fingernails dug into my palms and made them raw. When I'm upset, I refuse to talk to anyone, I refuse to let anyone close enough to help me. I hide in my room and do things like post emo poems on my blog. Haha.

I used to wonder what it meant to have "hardened your heart." Never made any sense, cause it's like there was so much of me I wanted to give and never foresaw being different. But then, such are the dreams and hopes of children. I'm not trying to be the jaded old man, but after awhile, it just becomes easier to hide. Not let anyone in close enough to hurt you, because you simply are too afraid of the pain. Then, after awhile, even if you want to, you can't remember how to let people in anymore. And on the odd occasion that you do, you get hurt. And it becomes a vicious circle.

I realize that in many ways I'm still a child. Just because I don't give voice to my wants, just because I can pretend to accept not getting what I want, doesn't mean I want what I want any less fiercely than I did when I was ten. I cling to my airy fantasies, my melodramatic dreams with such tenacity, that having them unrealized is almost enough to break me over and over. But then again, in some ways I'm not a child anymore. Sure, my parents and elders have eaten more salt than I've eaten rice. But that doesn't mean I haven't eaten any salt. I know firsthand about commitment, and faithfulness to a person. I know that things don't come easy, that it's hard work and sacrifice until you get where you're going. I know that things don't always go our way and the only thing we can really do is suck it up and move on. But then, there's a great deal more of the child in me than there is of the man.

Truth be told, I like it that way. I never want to be so hardened by experiences and disappointments that I could give up on hope, or dreams. So concerned about being "grown up" that I can't cry at a good movie, or laugh as hard as I want and as long as I want even if other people don't think the joke is that funny. I know, just like everyone else in the world knows, that life sucks big time. I know that you don't get what you want, that people you love may not love you back the way you wanted them to, that some people use you, and others take you for granted. But knowing these things won't stop me from hoping.

Someone I care a great deal about told me this, once: "Believing in the most unrealistic things, no matter how painful, is what makes you...you. Don't stop being you. Never ever."

Another person told me today: "I'm proud of you. If you can be rejected that many times and still do what you do, you're not stupid."

I was upset. I was hurting, and tired, jaded and weak. And truth be told, I think I still am somewhere inside. But where it counts, I'm simply me. True, I've lost sight of exactly who that is these days, but that doesn't stop me from being me. I love with all the fierceness of a brushfire, I hope and dream with the intensity of burning stars. And what I know is that, no matter how many times I'm used, taken for granted, put down, and rejected. No matter how much pain I'm in, or how jaded I feel or how disappointed, I will always believe in people. I'll always hold to my ideals.

I've been told I become too attached to people, that I give my heart away too easily, set it too highly on things and by doing so I simply set myself up for a world of hurt. And I have to agree, I do do that. Again and again, as if I'm stupid. But I know I won't stop caring for people. I won't stop looking after them, listening to their troubles, carrying their burdens. I won't stop loving them no matter how hurt I get.

Because:

"I cannot do everything,
but I can do something,
and so because I cannot do everything,
I will not hesitate to do the something I can do."

I can't love everyone. I can't rescue everyone. I can't even rescue myself. I can't care for everyone or protect everyone. But I can love some, I can protect and care for some. And so, because I can care for those few, I will not hesitate to pour my all into that pursuit. I firmly believe that when you pour your heart out to people you never lose. In the long run anyway. In the short run they break you, and hurt you, use you and hurt you. But the whole point is trying to see the big picture. I may not be good enough, but I know I'm good and that's all I can be.

A good friend of mine always asks me: "You're always trying to be the hero. Always trying to save everyone, protect everyone, look after everyone. Well, who looks after you?"

And I always answered me. Or that I don't need looking after because I can do it on my own. But I lied. I was always looking for someone, always longing for someone to see that I needed looking after. And I thought I'd found her. Three times before, and a fourth time recently. Truthfully, I don't think I've let go of them all. The two most recent are still fresh and raw and hurt with a vengeance. I wanted to cry all day today.

But I've been working too hard at it, I think. Trying so hard to get someone to love me, trying to get her to love me, whoever she happens to be at the time, that I forgot to look after myself. So I suppose I'll be smart, and push aside the need for awhile and focus on me. It's like throwing a rock to hit lamppost and missing. Then getting annoyed and throwing it, not caring whether you hit it or not and getting it dead center.

So, I hope someone out there is looking for me. I hope that I'll meet that person someday and finally I won't have to worry about it anymore. I also hope she finds me soon. But in the meantime, the best thing I can do is look out for myself.

It's selfish, but Daphne said to me: "I know you care and really want to look after everyone, just don't forget to look after yourself, okay? It's okay to be selfish sometimes."

It's about me now, finally,
Jared

Threnody

A Threnody is a hymn of mourning. Though I'm no good at writing songs I can crystallize this feeling in poetry for tonight. But I get the feeling that this will be a long poem. Before that though, a quote.

"Dreams and make-believes are all very well in the daytime and sunshine, but when dark and storm come they fail to satisfy. One wants real things then." - Ms. Lavender Lewis, Anne of Avonlea

Here we go:

Threnody

Tonight the sky seems darker,
The night stretches far too long,
The stars hide behind wispy cloud,
As we try hard to be strong,

We try to shut our eyes so tight,
Against the tears that threaten so,
To spill and roll upon our cheeks,
For life has brought us low,

We search all of us humans now,
For things to make us whole,
To fill that space within ourselves,
Which pains our very soul,

For while the day may hold its dreams,
The night holds naught but fear,
'Cause when the bright sun hides his face,
All hope must disappear,

And while we reach for love so sweet,
We never must forget,
That all the pain we hold so dear,
Is only part of what comes next,

So I would like to urge you,
To perhaps think once again,
About the chance of happiness,
That we sought out through the rain,

But our roads lay divided,
And divided they may stay,
For we each have our own set path,
And I know you will not stray,

I love you as the sea loves shores,
And as the sun adores the moon,
I love you more with every breath,
Though we may well part soon,

Together though we never were,
I will hold fast to my dreams,
For in my dreams I have your love,
Though twisted things may seem,

And so I sit here night by night,
And write these lines to you,
For verses are all I can give,
Only you will I give them to,

Now I close my tired eyes,
And hear the melody,
Not of your voice as I so wish,
But of this gentle threnody

I spoke my mind. I gave my all. In the words of Count Adhemar in A Knight's Tale, "I have been weighed, I have been measured, and I have been found wanting." It's easy to talk of hope and things in the daytime when everything's bright and happy. But at night, I think these are the only types of posts I'm capable of. Or maybe it's only this night.

Dear You,

I am not hurt. And I do not blame you. As I said, you can't help being who you are, and none of it is therefore, any fault of yours. I simply want to say that, I wouldn't have done it differently at all. Not one step in the development of our acquaintance. I hesitate to call it a relationship as some might take it the wrong way. As you can see, the big words materialize. But it is none of your doing, the blame lies with me.

I should have known better. And I should have been perhaps, less stubborn and more prudent. And then maybe I would have saved us both some grief. As it is, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you hurt and I'm unable to do anything about it. I'm sorry I added to it so callously, thinking only of myself. I'm sorry that I cannot make you see just how beautiful you truly are. Because yes, I do think you're beautiful though I would hardly dare tell you before. I doubt it matters at this point.

I don't know what happens tomorrow. I don't know if we simply get up and continue as if nothing had ever happened, or if you're going to hide yourself away. But I wouldn't care what the outcome as long as I knew that you'd one day catch a glimpse of what I see in you. You say I think too much, and maybe you're right. Maybe I am too melodramatic for my own good. But then, in a world where reality differs only in its shades of grey, what more can we cling to than dreams and drama?

Honestly. I wish things were different. With all I have inside I do. As it is, I don't know where things stand, but I have a pretty good idea, you know? I wish so fervently that I could have done something, been better at something, changed something about myself to be what you needed. And while it's strange, I find that I've grown attached to you. Probably far more so than is healthy for me. I read that "It isn't right to set your heart so on another mortal being." But with you? Who could help themselves? I don't regret. Not a thing. But if there is some alternate reality where it had worked differently, I wish I could switch places with my alternate.

As the sun loves the moon and the sea loves the shore,
As rivers love the rocks and trees love the earth,
Though it probably isn't healthy for me at all.

I love you, for always,
Jared

What The Future Holds

I don't know exactly. But I'm scared. I don't know what's going to happen to me, or anyone I care about. Whether we'll even still like each other years from now. It's all so much bigger than me, and it isn't an entirely comfortable feeling. Who am I kidding, it's an entirely uncomfortable feeling.

It feels like I'm at a crossroads and everything is ending, and new things are beginning and I don't know which way I should go or even if I'm on the right road. Tings are going to change, and everything's becoming unfamiliar, new and frightening. I was talking to my cousin, Daniel tonight, and realize that everyone is scared of the future. Nothing scares us more than not knowing. The uncertainty is maddening.

Imagine a steam engine rushing toward you. Now imagine not knowing whether it's really going to hit you or not. You freeze in place, the brakes slam on and you just stare, waiting helplessly for your fate to be decided. That's sort of what I feel like right now. The concept of the future is so much bigger than I ever thought it would be. So much bigger than me. And it doesn't seem nearly as simple as it used to. There's so much room for success or failure. And the thing is, it's so much easier to fail. Even people who give their all don't always make it. And that's the kind of thought that makes the prospect of having to grow up and walk into the big bad world all by yourself just that much more frightening.

Sometimes I wonder if everything really is going to be alright. Because sometimes it feels like things are changing too fast that they could never settle into any semblance of normal. Then I have to remember to believe. There's not a lot of things I believe in nowadays. I decided to give a lot of them up, because they're unrealistic. I can't believe in people anymore, I can't believe in simplicity, or luck. But I have to believe in the future. I have to believe that things won't always be this way, and that, scary as it is, the future holds something bright and worthwhile in store for me.

That having been said. It doesn't make the future any less scary.
Am I scared? Hell yes. Always.

I'm tired of dream castles.

Jared

Winner Take All

ABBA sings a song, "The Winner Takes It All." The lyrics are HERE. Because I don't want to post them up on my blog cause they're long. It's my new favourite song. It's meaningful to me. At this point in life anyways. I'm tired. Maybe it's just that I've had to step outside myself into something new lately. Or maybe it's just because today was a long day and I tend to get emotional after such days. Either way, I feel tired. Of everything.

Not in and of itself. I'm just sick and tired building dream castles. Tired of pinning my hopes on things that just shatter at the first sign of stress. It's all well and good to plan for the future, it's nice to dream of things to come. And it even feels good. It makes things seem so near, so simple, and so easy and comfortable. But then, the trouble with building cloud castles is that you can't live in them. You have to come back down to earth eventually, and then what good do your castles made of clouds do you? None at all.

I'm an idealist. I like to believe in the things that most people these days accept as not existing. The good in every person, the beauty in every person, that things always work out well in the end. In today's world, being an idealist takes a lot of effort, because the world and everything in it seem hellbent on breaking each and every dream of yours into the smallest pieces possible. I'm proud that I could make it this far as an idealist, but I wonder if it's time to grow out of the wide-eyed, hopeful, little boy routine.

But therein lies the conflict. I know people who thought just that. Who stopped hoping, or trusting, or believing. And they let themselves get hard. And I don't want to be that way, because that can't be what we were made to be, can it? I mean, if we were made to be hard, and unfeeling, then we'd have been made out of rock. I believe with every ounce of faith I have, that the world is messed up. This isn't the way things were meant to be, and I would do anything, give anything, become anything to fix it. Because the world we know now, isn't a world I want to live in. I hate it.

It's a society where people honor morally unsound public figures because they're rich. It's a world where people tear at each other, claw their way over others, uncaring of what they have to do or become to get to the "top." It wears away at you, the sheer enormity of the oppression that has become this life, like a sea wearing at a cliff. Pounding endlessly until you just break, and great big parts of you fall away and you lose them forever.

I think that lately, faced with a crossroads of some kind, I've been trying to hold on to all the parts of me that make me...well me, really. It's like suddenly, I'm seventeen years old. And now is when I have to decide what kind of person I'll be, what kind of life I'll lead, what kind of people I'll know and influence and be influenced by. And honestly, sometimes it feels like it's too much for one soul to bear. Sometimes I just don't want to be alive, I'd rather never have existed than have to have come to this point. It's as if, after all my life living on the ground, I've been thrown out of a plane and told to fly or die.

There's so much I want to do and be and see and feel and have and know, but I don't know the first thing when it comes to going after them. It makes you feel stupid, and helpless, not knowing how to run your own life. And then, the pressure doesn't seem to come from outside anymore, but from inside you. You become your own harshest critic, and it becomes so easy to start hating yourself for your blind, blissful, ignorance. What can you do, when you detest the way you are?

I think that the way Christianity has become an excuse for bigotry and discrimination doesn't help matters much either. I mean young people today, not just me, a whole great big bunch of us all feel just as lost and helpless as I do. And when we should be able to be near God, be guided to him, we get put in boxes, shackled down by the added laws and regulation of Christians who forgot what it's like to be this way. I wonder what things will come to if people stay this way. It'll be a free-for-all. All the basest instincts of humanity will emerge until we're no better than animals. I don't want to be around when that happens. I really don't.

Disillusioned

In the dark I sit and stare,
At words upon a page,
Words that detail all my hope,
And all my pain and rage,

In the dark I sit and think,
As time ceases to move,
About things that I wish to see,
Things to gain and prove,

In the dark I move away,
From all that light and hope have shown,
The things the world will never be,
Dead leaves by cold winds blown,

In the dark I lay me down,
To sleep in the dead of night,
To rest at last my weary soul,
To clean away the blight,

In the dark I hide away,
Curled into a little ball,
Because the world is cold and grey,
And the winners take it all

Bleh. Emo poem. I haven't written one in awhile. But I like this one. The ending is ambiguous enough. Well, I'm tired. So I'm going to sleep.

Adieu,

Jared

From A Secret Admirer

^_^ Okay, it's a corny title. But that pretty much sums up what I'm going to do here. I'm going to write a letter. To her. Because I'm tired, and emotional, and can't think of a better outlet to release. If you're not her (which you may be, but wouldn't know anyway) then just take this as a short story of sorts. Like something you'd find in a book where the author feels compelled to record the letter her character has written because it's a crucial part of the story. If not, just skip this entry. ^_^

Dear You,

So hi. I doubt you saw this coming. And I doubt you realize the weight of the conviction which hangs on these words of mine. Not because I doubt the kind of person you are, but only because I know the kind of person you are. The kind of person who doesn't pick up on subtle, (or else the kind of person who does and is evil enough to string me along, of these two I choose the former) the kind of person who doesn't see the value in herself, or at least isn't able to see the value I see in you.

I suppose life has a sense of humor that way. I mean, no one really sees the value in themselves. If you asked me, I wouldn't say I was that great. I don't see myself as the positive, cheerful person that you do. But I guess that's what brings us together as well. I read somewhere once (or I made it up, I can't remember. But it sounds like something I read.) that "We're not alone. And even if we are, we're together in that too." It's like, some sort of comfort mechanism that humans have. We need to be together. Whether it's in sadness or joy, pain or comfort. We. Need. To. Be. Together.

I've heard it said so many times that, people need each other. And I suppose that on some level, it's a good thing. I mean, without other people around I think the majority of humanity would go right insane. Like people who are locked in solitary confinement for too long. But that, I think, is more of a survival mechanism. And people aren't built to simply survive. We're built to live. In King Arthur, Arthur says to Guinevere: "It's the natural state of any man to want to live."

She replies: "Animals live. It's the natural state of any man to want to live free."

People weren't meant to survive. We were meant to live. And I suppose that's what I'm writing to you about. I'm tired of surviving. Well, more accurately, I'm tired of feeling like I'm only surviving, day to day. People talk about God and how he fills you. I believe and I desire it. But I've said it before, and I'll say it again. God only goes so far. God isn't going to come down and wrap me in a hug when I'm upset. God isn't going to pat me on the back when I do a good job. That's what he put people here for.

So I suppose, what I'm simply trying to say is. You make me feel alive. It's a feeling. And chasing feelings is a dangerous pastime. I know this firsthand. But that's all I wanted to say, just so you know. Talking to you each night is the highlight of my day, what I look forward to with a wanton anticipation. When I talk to you, even though I cannot get in your head, or maybe because I cannot get inside your head, my brain and my mouth disconnect. It's like, in this moment I'm truly, fully alive. Fully aware of every facet of my being. So painfully aware, in fact, that I trip over my own feet, my mind races to find words to say only to get them backwards or mixed up.

It's a form of torture that the universe has devised I think, creating someone like you. Someone so blissfully unaware of the things you draw out of me. Well, to be more exact, so blissfully unaware that it is you who draw them out of me. I wonder what the future holds for us. Often I find myself dreaming; hoping against my better judgement that perhaps you feel what I feel. Before I pull myself back down to earth.

Simply put, I am enamored of you. Enthralled beyond reasoning and logic. And though a part of me hopes that you'll see it. Another hopes you never do. Because in that moment, I will be laid bare, all my insecurities and imperfections, weaknesses and shortcomings. And it is with a sort of...expectant dread, that I hope the days comes.

I doubt even this measure will enlighten you as to who you are. The prospect of which half gladdens and half breaks me. But hope is a bird that will not be caged, and I can do nothing but let her soar.

Yours,
Jared

Well, what can I say? I read too much poetry. And yeah, normal people don't talk like that. But when you speak the language of love, how else are you to express yourself? I wonder what purpose feelings like these serve. I hope I'll find out someday.

Ici ne va rien,
Here we go again,
Jared

Love For A Day

Wind and rain may pass me by,
The world and all its glory,
But you're the bird that I let fly,
My favourite chapter of the story,

Love, they say, is like a rose,
Or like a turbulent sea,
Or like stars wrapped in night's velvet folds,
Or rain upon a prairie,

But love I think, is a simple thing,
Or at least it should be so,
For to hear you, my songbird, sing,
There is no place too far to go,

Alas! There are things I did not say,
Words I should have spoken,
But I have had your love for a day,
And your spell cannot be broken,

Perhaps the fates would have allowed us peace,
If I had spilled my heart to you,
But what bird can bear a leash?
Forfeit her sky so blue?

So I will sit and think anon,
Of all the songs that I have heard,
And of them not a single one,
To match that of my own sweet bird

I believe I've talked about how I love poetry before. How it freezes a moment, and captures a feeling in a way that sometimes only the author can understand. I like how, in poetry, you can write something that mirrors your reality, but that no one would understand.

Like this poem for instance, mirrors how I've been feeling about a certain person over the course of the past few weeks. So it is of course, dedicated to that person. Which I find amusing because she doesn't even know who she is. ^_^

Anyways, it's about a struggle whether to "profess your love" or to remain silent. In the poem, the character chooses to remain silent and let the "bird" fly away, content that he had her "love for a day." Hence the title.

I like it, I think it's good. :)

Poursuivez la magie,
Jared

All's Fair In Love & War

I like to dissect old adages like these. It's really funny how tings can contradict themselves so blatantly sometimes. For example, the statements "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" and "Out of sight out of mind" don't exactly play together very well. But people toss them around easily. Another adage which is just as common is this "All's fair in love and war" nonsense. Let's take a moment to think about the implications of this statement, shall we?

The statement implies that love (or the pursuit thereof, I suppose) is just as fair in its execution as war (or the pursuit thereof.) But let's analyze this shall we. In the past century, there have been several wars of note. World Wars I and II, The Vietnam War, The Boer War, and The Cold War. All fought for either land, supremacy, or to settle some trivial matter of a difference in race or caste, sure they were bottled with the words "freedom" and "equality." But when it's all over it's really all about flexing muscle. I was watching some war movie recently and a general had just won a victory. One of his men came up to him and congratulated him on it. The conversation went like this.

Soldier - "Congratulations sir, you are truly a great general. Your victory is complete."

General - "A great general would have found a way not to have to fight a war."

Not their exact words, but a reasonable facsimile. But I digress. What's fair about war? What is noble, or pure, or honorable. It's true that in a time of war, men have to band together and yeah, great feats of bravery, or nobility can be performed. But what is at all noble about the act itself, what sets apart a fight where men slaughter other men for twisted ideals, from a brawl between lions on the Savanna? There's nothing cool about it, nothing fair, nothing pure. It's blood and carnage and pain.

What part of the savagery that humanity has labeled "war" can be likened to love? I mean okay, you could if you really wanted to. Love is hard work, it's a fight, it's pain and sacrifice for an ultimate goal. But that's stretching it a little bit. I think love isn't such hard work. Or, it shouldn't be anyway.

I've heard a lot of things about love. Lots of definitions and such. But the one I held fast to was that love is a decision that you make. And nothing's fair about it. I mean what's fair about having to put up with a person for the rest of your life even when they annoy the heck out of you? Logically speaking, there isn't anything fair about it. Why should you have to, right? But then, that's the thing, love isn't fair. But that's pretty much the beauty of it, I'd say. Nothing about love makes sense, nothing about it is logical or easy.

The moment when you decide that yes, this is the person for you, or when you decide not to scream at your sister for being MEGA aggravating, or when you decide not to sneak out that Saturday night because you love your parents. Nothing exactly makes sense about it.

Which is probably the whole fallacy of the argument that the old adage presents. Neither love nor war is fair, neither makes sense. You can't CHOOSE what war you fight in if you get enlisted. You can't CHOOSE just to not love someone, it's not easy, or comfortable. Love and war are uncomfortable to the extreme. They don't work to make you feel good.

If love and war have something in common it's definitely not being fair. It's that they're both difficult choices that need to be made to reach a pure aim. (Or what should be a pure aim, anyways.) In a war, you can't tell who's the good guy or who's the bad guy, both sides fight for aims that they believe in so passionately, that they would lay down their lives for it. How can you fault the one side merely because what they believe may not seem the best of options at the time?

The redeeming quality of love, I think. Is that it pays off. It's not a comfortable thing. Oh, I know just how uncomfortable it is. And it's not a safe thing, or an easy thing. It's hard work. But the thing is, with love, you can't go wrong with the goal. (Well, I don't think you can. Maybe you could if you tried hard enough? But that's a different story.) In the end, when you reach it, all you gain is fulfillment. And it's sweet. It seems to make up for all the neurosis you wasted at the beginning. The worrying about whether she'd like you back, or whether you're coming on too strong, or whether she's really the right one. None of it matters in the end, because the hard work that love is, pays off more than a person could possibly imagine.

War has no such payoff. War breaks men. Gulf War Syndrome, survivor's guilt, nerve gasses, radiation poisoning. War is senseless.

Love at least has a point. Or at least, let me believe so. Because the alternative, doesn't bear thinking about. ;)

Beaucoup d'amour,
Jared

To What Lengths?

Okay...I'm downloading the Twilight series of books. *Waits for screams of agony from all the guys and ignores smug smiles of all the girls.*

Don't ask why, because I honestly do not know. But I aim to finish at least Twilight before I go see the movie. And maybe then I will be able to see what a little of the hype is about. But let it be stated here, for all the world to see, that if it is a badly written book with unengaging characters like I have been told. I will be merciless in my flaming of it. Not because I am mean, but I have standards. I believe that Hollywood needs to take responsibility for all the crappy movies they've allowed to be produced and shown, and likewise I believe that authors should take resposibility for the crappy books they've written.

But if Twilight is good. Then I suppose it would be only right and fair to give it due credit and praise. I'm all for giving things a fair chance. We'll see.

Ici ne va rien,
Jared

P.S. Stop smiling, Daph and Trish... >_>

The Wonder Of It All

Firstly, I know that my title is technically wrong. Because "Of" and "It" should not be capitalized. But it looks better this way. Trust me on this. :D Anyways, on to what it means maybe?

I was...doing something today. I don't remember exactly what. I think I was watching Kendra (my four year old baby sister), I think I was taking her out to McDonald's. Or it might have been before that. Anyways, I'm not sure exactly when the thought struck me, but only that it did strike me. Which is the whole reason why I'm writing this post anyways. :D Oh yeah! I had just taken a shower! Yeah, and was staring at myself in the bathroom mirror (not in a vain way, more in a "I stare at my own eyes everyday to see if I can find something different" kind of way.) And I was thinking about...relationships or something like that. And then I started thinking about how things lose their magic. And that's how I got my thought! Yep. :D

So what I was thinking about was how things seem to lose their magic, their wonder as we get older. Like, to Kendra having a hamster, or getting a Happy Meal is so awesome and special. Because she doesn't exactly understand how it works, but she still enjoys it anyway. She doesn't exactly understand how her tiny fat hamster is able to move around the cage its in, which is probably part of the reason why she enjoys it so much.

That set me to thinking about how things just don't seem the same as when I was younger. And I'm sure most people can identify. I mean it's like, when you're younger, every new thing is so awe-inspiring because you may not understand it, but it's there anyway. And that adds to it's charm. Getting a new toy, finding money under your pillow from the "tooth fairy," Father Christmas, meeting a new person, making a new friend. It's all so exciting and thrilling because you don't exactly know what you're doing, or why things are responding in the way they are, but you like it.

As we get older, we start to understand. And really, that takes the fun out of it all. You start to understand that the hamster works by a heartbeat and that because its heart beats so much faster than yours, it will only live for about two years, you understand that the Happy Meal is made by sour-faced employees in the kitchens at the back, you understand that your parents snuck money under your pillow and threw your tooth away, and that Santa Claus doesn't exist. You understand that people aren't as great as you thought they were, that they lie and steal and cheat and betray. And you understand that there's nothing really magical about any relationship, that it's all hard work and effort and fighting to rein in the emotions you don't need and to hold on to the ones you do.

I haven't decided yet whether it's a good thing or not. I mean sure, the "loss of innocence" is a big part of growing up. But it does make the world seem like a dreary and dark place sometimes. Being weighed down by reality like that makes it difficult to enjoy even the simplest things sometimes. I think this is one of those things that you can't really label good or bad. I mean it does draw things into a deep shadow, and it makes it easy to be pessimistic. But without it we'd hardly have free will at all would we? I mean, not knowing a whole lot of things could be a detriment in the long run.

But this reminds me of a line a read in a book once. "Man needs so little but begins to want so much." I mean, it's an old question, but if we didn't know any of the things that exist today existed, would we still need them, if we need them at all? Would we still want them? I sincerely doubt the lack of a PC or mobile phone, or even a car would have made much of a difference in my life if they'd never been invented.

Sometimes I wonder if being born into a time like this is really a good thing. I mean true, I wouldn't have met a lot of people I now know and care about if none of these things were invented. But really, things these days are so complicated. Or they seem that way at least, because of all the things people focus on. The things they want, the things they lust after, the things they "need." People say "knowledge is power." But then they also say "Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." I sometimes wish things could be simpler, you know?

But then, that wouldn't be all too fun either I suppose. ^_^;; But really, I think growing up, losing the magic, is something we all need to learn. Because, I mean, it's easy to feel the magic if you're just born with it. It takes hard work, and sacrifice to find the real magic, and to hold on to it. So I guess in the end, growing up just makes things that much sweeter. Because you only appreciate it all the more. Well, that's the theory anyway. xD

I wanna feel that wonder again. I'll find it someday.

Poursuivez la magie, mes amis,
Jared

System Error: Reset Default Settings

I hate Twilight. O_O Actually, saying that will prooooobably get me killed. So I retract that statement. :D Glad I got it off my chest, though. I will not go into a long rant as to why. Because that would be pointless. Because no one would agree/care. :D

Right so let's see, what to blog about? Politics. For most people who know me, they'll know that I don't much care about politics. I don't much care what's going on in the States, and I don't much care what's going on here, really. Elections were a big deal for some people, I couldn't care less. Who the next PM is going to be is a big deal for some people, I didn't give it a second thought. And truthfully, I still don't. But there is something I've realized. Politics is a big thing, it affects everything we and everything we are. And if we don't change the messed up way it is then the future for Malaysia doesn't really look too bright, does it?

Of course most people will be all like, "Aiyo, what for la? Malaysia so bad, move la. I go Aussie, there velly good one." And yeah, I suppose for those who can afford to move like that, it'll be a good personal solution. But then, what happens to the people who are left behind? Truthfully, I plan to move. I don't plan to live in Malaysia for the rest of my life. But I know that now, while I'm here I can, no-scratch that, I should do something. And even when I go, wherever it is I plan to go. I'm not abandoning my country.

I mean, so many young people these days feel powerless. We've bought into the lie that's been fed to us that because of our age we can't change anything. We can't do anything. And so many of us just sit back and dream and yearn to do something big. Well, the thing we gotta figure out, the thing we have to believe in is that we're not powerless. That maybe, singularly our voices can be drowned out, but as a full and strong force, we are an army of young people to be reckoned with.

Recently this group I've been going to, it's Leadership Training for young people. But we've been really focusing on the political situation lately. And really I couldn't have cared less. I didn't want to bother about the crappy situation Malaysian politics is in. But when we started working with Hannah Yeoh, the uhm..MP of Subang I think she is. I don't know, I never bother with positions. But she's a got a big one over Subang, okay?

Anyway, they've been showing us needs. Real needs there. Like old people dying and not having enough money to be buried properly? Or young kids who're so destitute or depressed that they only have drugs or cigarettes, or parties to rely on. So we're filling a need. This group of young people I work with, we call ourselves G.E.L.

That's:
Growing Emerging Leaders

We've decided to support Hannah Yeoh and run alongside her. See, she's shown us a great need of support for young people in Subang. They have programs fro the old, and the dying, and the poor, but not for young people. Kind of strange don't you think? That the next generation of the country isn't being catered to at all? So we're taking this and running with it. And thus, we present to you:

RESET:
Where Normal is Nothing

An event that will change everything. See, for too long the youth of this nation have been held back by exams, and vice, and depression. And the thing is, that's what's accepted as normal now. Yeah, NORMAL. It's NOT normal. It's not the normal state of any living organism to willingly harm itself. Is it? So we're going to do something about it. We're going to show the young people (of just Subang at first, but it's not going to stop there. I won't let it.) that there is something more than what they know. We need to reset the status quo. We need to change the meaning of normal back to what it was meant to be in the first place.

Right now this event is a concept rattling inside the heads of a few Young People. But once it's birthed, it's going to grow into a movement. I can assure you of that. Get on board. Cause seriously, you do NOT want to miss this.

You can expect this to be big, guys. I'll keep posting updates as Project: Reset unfolds.

Vive la révolution,
Jared

Thankless Work

Gordon: I didn't thank you.

Batman: And you'll never have to.

I never really realised what a sad place our world is until tonight. I mean, we all know that it's a messed up place. But a place where a girl has to hide pain that she carries inside from the people who care about her. A place where a guy isn't free to be who he is simply because other people tell him that it isn't a person the world would approve of.

I've decided that I'm going to change it. I don't know how yet. But I know that I will. Because this world isn't a place fit to raise a new generation. I don't want to see my kids grow up in a world where they have to deal with things like this. I don't want my sisters, or my adoptive sisters, or my brothers for that matter, to have to live in a world that's only going to get worse.

I've decided that this is what I was made for. To protect the most precious things this world has. It's children. It's people. Okay so I'm being melodramatic. But I've always felt that this wasn't the time I should have been born in. That I should have been born during the crusades or the Roman Empire. I should have weilded a sword, I should have fought for something I believed in.

But I can still do that today. I'll find a way to fight for what and who I believe in. I'll make this world a better place. I'll let them hear the music again.

And you, you know who you are. I'll never leave your side. I'll protect you always, you can count on that.

Je vous aime toujours,
Jared