New Year's Eve

The house is empty. Everyone is out. I didn't want to go.

Downstairs I can hear people celebrating.

The clock hasn't struck twelve yet. Not for another hour and ten minutes.

The house is quiet. The room is dark.

I know that out there somewhere, my friends are celebrating.

And I know that when they are done celebrating. I will be remembered.

Hopefully.

So I wait.

Jared

Knight In Not-So-Shining Armor

Oh, if there's one thing I hang on to,
That gets me through the night,
I ain't gonna do what I don't want to,
I'm gonna live my life,

Shining like a diamond,
Rolling with the dice,
Standing on a ledge, I'll show the wind how to fly,
When the world gets in my face,
I say,
Have a nice day

- Bon Jovi, Have A Nice Day

*****

I love that song.

I've been thinking lately, and I've decided. I have not been very good at holding to certain ideals of mine. Not the important ones. I couldn't ever let go of the important ones, even if I do get so upset sometimes. I'm too stubborn to stop. But a certain few, I haven't been so good at. It's never easy though. I mean I was reading today at work, it's a book by Michael Crichton, Timeline. It's fictional, and basically about this group of historians who travel back in time (the explanation in the book is much longer and essentially much more convincing. But that's basically what they do.) in order to piece history together more accurately. But as usual something goes wrong and they get stuck there and have to rescue one of their members.

Anyway, there is this character, who is basically obsessed with all thing Medieval. He can joust, and swordfight, and wear armor, and speak Middle English, Latin and Occitan. During the beginning of the book, when they're still in the present, you can sort of tell that most of the other characters think he's nuts. I read this today and was like "Haha! So true..."

*****

He remembered how Marek's (The character in mention) intensity had always amused the other graduate students - "Can you imagine? He really believes this chivalry shit!" - and how they had assumed his behaviour was some kind of weird posturing. A role he was playing, an affectation. Because in the late twentieth century (this book is that old. :D) you couldn't seriously ask other people to think that you believed in honour and truth, the sanctity of true love, the defense of women, and all the rest of it.

- Michael Crichton, Timeline, pg. 346, Knopf Hardcover Edition 1999, ISBN 0-679-44481-5

*****

And that's true, isn't it? How can you expect people to believe that you're really a person who could sincerely believe in these things. Especially in this time and age. In an age where women are raped, where men steal from other men, kill them. In an age where people are downtrodden and have no means to speak out against the outrage. How can you possibly expect people to believe that you're a person who can hold on to such "outdated" ideals. But here's the thing. I believe in them. All of them. Honour, truth, the sanctity of true love and the defense of women. (Well maybe not so much the last one, I know girls who could kick me from here to Sunday.)

At the end of the book? The guy decided to stay in the past and let his team go home. And back in the present, which is over 500 years later, they manage to find him in historical texts and visit his sarcophagus. You know something? I was so jealous when I read that. I've said it over and over again, I never felt like I belonged here in this time. And yes, I'm sure there's a reason I'm here. But I don't feel like I belong. I've always felt like, I should have been at Troy, or fighting in the Colosseum for my life, or at the head of a barbarian horde even. Not here. Not in tame Malaysia in 2008 sitting up at night typing Blog posts on my PC.

But then, I'm here. And all I can do is somehow try to apply those ideals and morals of mine, to a world that no longer accepts them. And I suppose that is, in essence the cause of the majority of my hurts. I'm not living in this time, technically speaking. The way I live, the way I choose to live, isn't something that fits in with the way society today is. Okay, sure. Back then people talked about chivalry and still raped and pillaged and hacked pregnant mothers to bits. I'll give you that. The Medieval times were violent and dangerous. But people st least still believed back then. You could really be a knight in shining armor, and people adored you. You were accepted because those were the ideals of the day. Though not everyone adhered to them.

Just like the ideals of today are "money buys anything" or "do what you want, life's too short." or "life's a joke." Not everyone adheres to those ideals. My ideals are Medieval. Some might say backward, or unrealistic. But the world had those ideals once. And I don't see why it can't have them again.

I'd have made a good knight. I'm not bragging. I mean, I probably would've been a lousy swordfighter, a lousy jouster, and maybe only a passable archer. (Historically knights didn't practice archery, though. Archers were commoners who were paid a wage, this paved the way for the militia and mercenary system we use today. And knights were in great danger of archers. Quick history lesson.) But I'd have made a good knight. Knights were supposed to protect their vassals and upkeep their train. They were meant to be the protectors and succors of their people. Yeah, there were probably a whole lot more bad knights than good knights. More greedy, corrupt knights than just and benevolent knights. But I bet there were good knights. And I'd have been one of them.

My point is. I doubt it was ever easy to have these ideals, even when they were "in fashion." Yeah, it was probably a little easier way back then, but not by much. Bleh I'm just rambling. I'm going to stop here.

Basically?

Ideals. We need them. A standard to hold our lives to. And it's not always easy holding to them, I know. But if we don't even have them, we're like Tom Hanks in Cast Away after he throws away his oars.

This post barely made sense. ~_~ But I already wrote it. And It's so long. So I'll post it up. I was totally planning to write something else, though. Blehhh.

Waaaai~

Jared

This Should Be An Official Holiday

OMG OMG OMG!!! It's...

WORLD KISSING DAY!!!

Tomorrow anyways. That sounds like the BEST day in the year. xD That'll be fun. I don't have anyone to kiss. ^_^;; But still it's WORLD KISSING DAY. Ahahaha. Can't WAIT!

I don't know why I'm so jazzed about this dumb event. It's pretty depressing if you ask me. But I don't care. It is WORLD KISSING DAY SOOOOOOOON. I can't get the info for it off Facebook -_- Stupid FB has been hanging a lot lately. Oh wait, it just loaded. So here's the info! I think EVERYONE should do it. Kisses are awesome.

*****

30.12.08 WORLD KISSING DAY '08

Just for one day let's put aside all kinds of hostility, let's remove from our heads all
negative thoughts and all rivalries between colleagues or friends!

Let's end 2008 in a great way! How to do that? That's easy!..let's kiss everyone we know!
It doesn't matter what kind of kiss it's gonna be. You can choose the one you like! It could
be a kiss on the cheek, a kiss on the lips, on the hand....it doesn't matter the way you
kiss each other!

To take part in the World Kissing Day '08 you need to invite most of your friends on

Facebook! Who knows, maybe we'll be able, for a day not to hear bad news on TV and we'll be
able to end 2008 with a good laugh!!!

JOIN JOIN JOIN JOIN!!!!!!

*****

Yes! The title is a link to the event info on FB. Gooo seeeeee!

That's all for now. WORLD KISSING DAY report tomorrow! Yosh!

Maybe I'll post up a less hyper post later...

Waaai~

Jared

Playing Hero

Even if I tried,
Even if I lied to you,
It wouldn't make it any better,
Well now, even if I lose,
The one that I would choose would be you,

Said I'm waiting for you, and I'm waiting to know you,
But I don't even understand myself,
So don't ask me why, don't ask me why

- The Calling, When It All Falls Down

*****

Happiness is a choice. I believe that. Firmly. I really do. But I also believe that sometimes, things get too heavy. Sometimes, the walls that you built for yourself crack and fall, just a tiny little bit. And then, "Fake it 'til you make it." doesn't work so well anymore. It's easy to throw a lot of things away. It's easy to let some things bounce off you. To let things slide. To tell yourself "He didn't mean anything by it, it was just a moment of tactlessness. People have those." Or to believe that "It's okay. It's okay. They needed it more than I did." Sometimes you can even get yourself to fall for the "I'll be here no matter what because they/he/she needs me."

But sometimes, sometimes, you have to open your eyes, and see the truth. And sometimes, it isn't pleasant. He did mean it that way. They didn't need it, they just took it to spite you. And no, they/he/she doesn't/don't need you. And then, pretty much all bets are off. Sometimes, for all your pretty ideas and romantic fantasies. No matter how strong you may be, how stubbornly you can cling to your ideals, it just isn't enough. Sometimes. You just fail.

It's easy to be strong. And noble. And brave. It's easy to have ideals and dreams and hopes when you have a reason. When you have something that waits for you at the end of the road. Something that you want so fiercely. But sometimes, that thing disappears. Or you realise, you don't really want it. Or maybe you just can't have it no matter how hard you try. Then it's not so easy to be strong or noble or brave. It's not so easy to hold true to your ideals, or hold on to your hopes and dreams.

If there's anything I've learned these past five months. It's that life is not easy. The plan is easy. The plan is always easy. Knowing the steps is easy. But taking them is hard. Moving forward is hard. I live my life, for people. To care about people, to protect people. But have you ever watched one of those comedies where the hero comes rushing in to find that the people took care of themselves and never needed him at all? That'd be me.

I'm not an attention-whore. I'm not. Maybe I have an ego. Maybe I'm peransanted. But I'm not an attention-whore. But I want to be needed. There's no point fighting for anything, protecting anything, being strong for anything if they don't and never did need you. But heroes don't give up. They don't back down, and they don't stop just because things get ugly.

If there's anything I've learned from all the stupid comics I've read, and anime I've watched, it's that heroes refuse to fall. But I've learned something else recently.

I'm not a hero.

There's no damsel in distress waiting for me to rescue her. No burning building, no big bad guy to knock around. All my words, all my "I believe in you" and "Don't give up" and "It'll be okay." They don't mean anything to anyone. I don't have the power to make everything okay. I don't have the power to make anything okay. All I can do is be here, all I can do is try to be here. But it's kind of like standing next to someone who doesn't notice you. Every so often they'll turn and go "Oh, you're still here?" but apart from that, you may as well be invisible.

I'm tired. I really am. I'm not a hero. Nobody needs a hero. And nobody wants a hero wannabe. I can't be perfect like those heroes. Can't be perfect like, Edward Cullen, can't be self-sacrificing like Spiderman, can't be pure and just all the time like Superman. All I can be is me and it's never enough. And I'm tired of not being enough. I'm tired of never being good enough, or macho enough, or smart enough, or mature enough, or responsible enough, or good looking enough. I'm sick and tired of it.

Right now, I don't want to try anymore. I want to just hide away from everyone forever. Or at least until I'm good and ready. Until I'm sure I can stand on my own without anyone ever. I don't want to play hero anymore. I've met my Kryptonite, my Venom, my whatever-it-is-that-kills-vampires-in-Twilight. And I just can't do it anymore. Right now, it'd be easy to give up and just..die. Just let every part of me that ever yearned for heroism disappear. Let whatever is noble in me die and just be me. Forget about everyone else. Become just like everyone else and care only about myself.

But inside, where it matters, I know I can't. I know that when I wake up tomorrow, I'm going to start hoping again. I know that the second I open my eyes, I'm going to think about whoever it is that needs me. I'm going to steel myself again and get ready to be who I want to be, to do everything I can to be that hero. Because that's who I am, a stubborn idiot who doesn't know when to give up.

My Pastor's wife (Sarah) said to me today while we were playing Taboo: "Relax, it's just a game. You're such a typical 17-year-old."

My neighbour (Andrew) replied her: "I don't think he's anything like a typical 17-year-old."

It's things like that which give me strength. I'm different. I'm special. I'm worth something. I know all this. I know that if I keep at it, someday I'll be a hero to at least one person. Someday I'll mean something, I'll be great. I know I will.

But for tonight. I'm tired. And I don't have anything left to give. So I'll put aside the cape (metaphorically speaking, I don't actually own a cape) and cowl (neither do I own a cowl) for tonight. Because tonight? It's too much. I just can't handle it anymore. Tonight, I get to be weak. Tonight I get to hurt and cry and not feel guilty. Just for tonight, I won't worry about if she's hurting. I won't worry about how to protect her. Or how do I make it up to that person. I won't worry about how to cheer her up, or why she's upset.

Tonight, I get to be weak.

Just for tonight, I'll let myself hurt and wallow and cry.

Just for tonight, I'm no hero.

I'm no hero...

Jared

*****

I can't stand to fly,
I'm not that naive,
I'm just out to find,
The better part of me,

It may sound absurd, but don't be naive,
Even heroes have the right to bleed,
I may be disturbed, but won't you concede,
Even heroes have the right to dream

- Five For Fighting, Superman

Last Night

Last night. Or this morning if you prefer. It was AWESOME. That's what you call an adrenaline rush. :D

Maybe it was stupid. I don't think so. What's stupid about it?

Maybe we shouldn't have done it. I don't think so. Why shouldn't we?

We didn't do anything wrong.

What's wrong with enjoying yourself just a little once in awhile? We didn't hurt anyone. Didn't kill anyone. Didn't do drugs. Didn't sign a suicide pact. Nothing wrong, nuh uh.

So maybe I can never have that ideal meeting with your family I was playing through in my head. So maybe I can never show my face at your house again without getting murdered. Frankly I think you're overreacting. I think everyone is overreacting. :D

I know you had fun too. Even if you were scared.

I had fun. And I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

I can't help but laugh everytime I think about it. I've been laughing a lot today. It was a thrillride.

I understand if you're mad. I understand if they're mad. (Sort of) And I'm sorry for the mental anguish I may have caused you.

But I'm not sorry we did it. ^_^ Never will be.

Everything's gonna be alright.

Promise! :D

Loves,

Jared

P.S. All you other people? Get your minds out of the gutter. Or maybe it's just my mind in the gutter. Hee.

That Time Of Year

To my nearest and dearest,
On this Christmas Day,
I wish you a good one,
As you work and play,

Maybe this year wasn't awesome,
But it's almost done,
And I hope we'll be together,
'Til Armageddon comes

- Jared Locke, Christmas SMS Rhyme

*****

Hahaha. It's Christmas day! That was fast. So much has happened this year and I'd like to post it up before New Year's, cause then everyone will be doing that. ^_^ But I don't have time right now. The family is rushing around getting ready to leave for Melaka. And I'm sitting around in my towel after a shower. Haha.

I'll write more when I get home. Hopefully it'll be tonight.

But for now.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Mucho love, mi famiglia

Jared

Girlfriend

I love my parents. The following conversation took place shortly after lunch today.

*****

Dad: So got a new girlfriend already la.

Me: Uh...no.

Dad: Think we don't know issit. I read your blog.

Me: Who's my new girlfriend then?

Mom: Zoe!

Mom: Lisa!

Me: Two girls? I'm not that kinda guy.

Dad: It's Trisha la. See he put up this "not nice" picture of her.

Me: *DIES LAUGHING*

*****

Heee. Only a select few people will see the humor in this conversation. Especially the end of it.

Ahhh. The irony. I just thought I share that.

:D

Jared

That Christmas Feeling

Birds flying high you know how I feel,
Sun in the sky you know how I feel,
Breeze drifting on by you know how I feel,
It's a new dawn,
It's a new day,
It's a new life,
For me,
And I'm feeling...Good.

- Michael Buble, Feeling Good

*****

I have no idea where I got that song from. It just turned up in my PC. I like it. :D In other news, my car got broken into yesterday. All they took were Adik's Christmas present from Anne, her present from Trisha's mom (I think) and my present from Trisha. There was nothing else in the car to take, so they took the Christmas presents. Sure it's funny and all to think about it if you weren't affected. But in truth it wasn't a very enjoyable experience.

I don't think I've ever been so agitated in my life. I completely lost it. There's something utterly personal about having a private space of your violated like that. And then it makes me really angry that my Adik lost her Christmas presents because of me. I can deal with not getting mine. I'm used to having crappy stuff like that happen. But Adik's presents are gone. And I couldn't shake the feeling that it was my fault. I parked there. Right there. I practically asked whoever did it to break into the car.

It makes me think, though. What kind of a state is the world in? It's Christmas. Trish told me the other day "I like Christmas. Everyone's different at Christmas, they're nice and happy." And it's true. I see it. People smile more. They laugh more, they're more relaxed. And I don't know what it is exactly. It's not the weather. It's still hot and humid. And it's not that the economy is good or anything. It's just that everyone is happier. I doubt they realise it themselves. It's like there's something in the air that infects people with happiness. I smile easier. I laugh more. And nothing seems to get to me. It's strange, really.

But it gets into people in other ways too. The criminals get more daring. They broke into my car in broad daylight in a crowded area with plenty of traffic. And all they took were Christmas presents. I mean, come on. If you want something that you can sell, why are you stealing Christmas presents. It's like you're stealing something just for the sake of stealing it. I doubt you'd need a hairband, a book, and some shaving thing for women's legs that badly to break into a car and steal it. I doubt you could even sell it. It makes no sense.

I don't think I've ever been that angry in my life. Usually when I get angry, I keep quiet. Very quiet. Because that's how I deal. I keep my temper in check. But yesterday? I lost it. Shouted, swore. Everything. And yes, I'm not proud of it. I scared the people with me. I scared Trish into silence. I've never seen her that subdued. Adik cried, though she did her best not to let anyone see. Teva was just sort of sitting there, probably quietly thinking I'm a mental patient. I scared myself. In that moment, I could probably have killed someone if they'd crossed me. Or hurt them really badly, at least.

What have I learned? Don't park in the freaking park at One Utama. Ahaha. Well, that's the most practical thing. What else? I've learned that...I actually have a scary temper. And I'm glad I'm good at keeping it in check most of the time. And also lately I've been learning to not let things get to me. Happiness is a choice. And that's pretty much all there is to it.

And I can safely say I'm happy. Right now.

Christmas is in less than 12 hours.

I'll post again.

Back in a flash.

Jared

*****

In every life we have some trouble,
When you worry you make it double,
Don't worry, be happy

- Bobby McFarrel, Don'tWorry, Be Happy

This Christmas

Santa can you hear me?
I have been so good this year,
All I want is one thing

- Britney Spears, My Only Wish

*****

Okay okay! It's a Britney song, but in my defense, I did not know that while I was enjoying it playing over the mall's sound-system at work. It's only when I got home that, to my dismay, I found it was a Britney song. D: It's like that time with the Jonas Brothers' "Look Me In The Eye." But it's not my fault! I like these songs! But don't worrrryyyyy, I'll post up another song's lyrics at the end. :D

So like, since everyone else is doing it I thought I'd post what I want for Christmas up on my blog. Because everyone else is doing it. So here goes.

What I want for Christmas is....

A SECRET. :D

Heeee. Sorry that's an inside joke. I know someone is cursing me if she's reading this now. And to make it no longer an inside joke I shall now explain it. So first things first. I think I should say that I think asking people "What do you want for Christmas?" is a really weird practice. I mean, I know you want to get them something they want. But like, that's so weird right? It's like you're going to propose to your significant other and you ask them "Do you want me to propose? Yes? Okay then, I'll propose tomorrow!" It doesn't make any sense to me.

It's like asking someone what they want then pretending they didn't tell you and you just happened to pick up just what they wanted. Then you wrap it and give it to them. As if they don't already know what's inside! I mean, I don't mind asking people what they want. So I suppose I can't really condemn the practice. It does make shopping so much easier. But I don't like telling people what I want. ^_^

I used to want a lot of things. Want want want. But then, I'm not sure exactly when I hit on the fact that I will get tired of anything given time. Like I got tired of my phone. Or my XBOX. Or anything else. So I started thinking, I don't really want anything. I mean, I've got everything I need. Everything I could ever want, pretty much.

I have parents.

I have siblings.

I have friends who love me and who I love.

I have a life.

I have a home.

I have food.

I have luxuries like my PC, a car to drive, a mobile phone.

What more could I possibly need? I've got everything I could ever need right here. And I can safely say I'm contented. But that doesn't mean I don't want anything. See I've come to the realization that I can live without what I want. And I can be happy without it too, if I allow myself to be. But that doesn't mean I don't want it.

It's hard to put into words. Which may seem strange since I talk so much usually. But here's the thing. What I want, isn't something you can touch, or see, or smell, or taste. It's metaphysical. It's a concept, a perpetually shifting idea. Plus it's something no one can give. That's the catch I think. If I really think about it, I suppose there is at least one person who could give it to me if they really wanted to. But here's the thing, it's one of those things you don't ever want to ask for.

It's one of those things that you won't want anymore if you ask for it. Understand? Like... if you really want something. And you tell someone. And they give it to you. But it costs them a lot. Or you know they only gave it to you because it was easy but didn't really care. You don't really want it anymore. I don't know if I'm making myself clear. But if someone knows me well enough to know what I want, and cares about me enough to give it to me. That's one of the best feelings in the universe. ^_^

See the way my system works is, I believe that no one can give me what I want. And thus I don't feel bad about not getting it. You see, because if I can't have it, then no one else can have it either. But if it's some dumb thing like a...walkman. Then someone could have one and I would be unhappy. But since no one can give me what I want. Or the person/people who can are in no position to; I'm perfectly fine.

So yes, don't be expecting to find out what I want from this post. I won't tell. ^_^

I just wanted to let it be known that. I don't really need anything for Christmas. If you're getting me something, thank you! :) If not, thanks anyway.

I may not have what I want exactly. But that's alright. I already have more than I could ever have asked for.

I have everything I need.

Jared

*****

I don't have any song lyrics to post here! Hee. I'll skip juuuuust for this post. ^_^

Cloud Castles & Shooting Stars

I would just like to announce that I now have a fiction blog. Somewhere I will now post my random drabbles and such that I write when the mood strikes. If you'd like to read what I write you can find it:

HERE

That will be all. :) I'll format it later. I'm lazy tonight.

Jared