Doubt vs. Faith

From yesterday, it's coming!
From yesterday, the fear!
From yesterday, it calls him,
But he doesn't want to read the message here

- 30 Seconds to Mars, From Yesterday

*****

Doubt is one of the most human emotions to experience. If it's an emotion that is. It seems to be an in-built part of of nature to question - well pretty much everything, really. From the moment we wake up to the moment we go back to bed, there probably isn't a moment in the day when our minds aren't constantly questioning some facet of our existence. Now of course, some of those facets are mundane, like "Should I get out of bed or sleep in for five more minutes?" but we question them anyway. We worry and over-analyse and use up an incredible amount of neurosis on this practice, and for what we aren't really sure.

That's the thing about doubting, isn't it? About questioning. There are never really an answers. I know I doubt. I'm full of doubt. Maybe more full of doubt than others because I've always been a more cerebral being. I live in my head a lot. I like logic and sound reasoning and facts (then again, I've proven to be a rather emotional being too, huh. Maybe doubt is a combination?) I try to have faith because you know, "Blessed are those who have not seen and still believe." But it's hard sometimes. Not just to have faith in God, but to have faith in myself, and the world, and my friends.

I doubt.

That is an integral part of my personality. I question and I worry. I wonder if I've really got what it takes to make it in the career path I desire for myself. I wonder despite myself and despite everything, whether or not there really is a God, and if there isn't, then is this really all there is? Worrying and being anxious until the day I die, only to cease to exist? Is it all for nothing? But there are never any answers. No matter how much time I spend in my head, no matter how long I worry, there are never any answers. Nothing concrete, no set plan that I can look at so I can know all my steps ahead of time.

"A man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." I wonder a lot of the time if I'm actually going anywhere. God's word, walking with God has been likened to being surrounded by the dark, having just enough light to see the next step you need to take, and the next, and then the next. You can only ever see the next step. You can't see the big picture, you have to trust that the light you follow isn't leading you off the edge of a cliff, or into a lion's den. You have to trust that if you just keep walking, keep following that light, that someday, someday the light is going to explode into brilliance and show you the glorious panorama that its been leading you toward all your life.

That's what faith is, I suppose.

Trust.

I guess it's learning to trust yourself, despite the failings you know you possess, despite the fact that you don't know whether you're strong enough to reach your goals or not. I guess it's learning to trust in God, despite the fact that you've never seen him or touched him, despite the fact that you have no idea where that light may be leading you. That's the nature of faith, I suppose. The nature of trust.

I was watching this new series I've become hooked on lately. It's called Battlestar Galactica. Very awesome. But in this series, one of the main characters is Admiral Adama, and in the middle of season two, he's shot twice in the chest by a person who he trusted like a daughter. This person it turns out, was a sleeper agent who was activated and programmed to kill him. A long time later, this person is let out of the brig after swearing her loyalties to Adama again. She's reinstated as an officer and entrusted with a very important mission. This is the scene that got me the most. As she was stepping on board her fighter, she turns to the Admiral and says:

"How do you know you can trust me? How do you know I won't turn on you again?"

He replies, "I don't. But that's what trust is."

That's what trust is. That's what faith is. It's believing and hoping. And praying that you aren't wrong about it all.

I think human beings are complicated creatures. I know I am. I'm cowardly but inside me, there's something fierce, I can feel it. I have doubts and worries, but at the same time I choose to believe that there is a God and that He loves me. I think a lot, I logic things out, I reason, but I'm an emotional being, I act irrationally I get angry or upset and my logic and reasoning goes out the window.

To be human is to be a paradox. It's never being just one thing. And I think that's the thing that confuses us the most, the thing that makes us doubt. Deep down, we know ourselves. We know that in our core, is something little and dark and mean, something both frightened and frightening, fearful yet angry, something that's biting and clawing and screaming as it tries to get out. Truthfully, sometimes it does get out. Sometimes I get so angry I can literally feel it rising up in my chest, choking me. Sometimes I get so upset I can feel that hand around my heart, squeezing until I feel like it'll burst. Sometimes, I get jealous and fearful, sometimes I covet and I envy and I hate. Those are the things it's easiest to dwell on, aren't they? The things that make us small. The things that make us stop and think, "Hey...if I'm this way, how can I ever reach that goal? How could God love me? How could that girl like me if she knew what I was really like? How could I ever succeed?"

I don't know the answers to that. I really don't. Despite all my doubting and worrying, I'm no closer to any of those answers. All I can do is trust, trust in myself and trust that God knew what he was doing when he made me and planned my life. All I can do is trust that there is some reason for my being here. That there are "plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future."

Here's the thing about paradoxes though. There are always two sides to them. That's why they're called paradoxes, because they're two things that are completely contrary to each other, co-existing in a single entity. So yes, sometimes I get angry. But sometimes, I temper that anger with...well I don't know what it is exactly, but I know I want to be better than that. To rise above that. Sometimes I'm jealous, but I temper that with love, I want my friends and my family to succeed and to have everything they dream of. Yes sometimes I get so upset it physically hurts, but sometimes I'm so jubilant I feel like I'm floating seven feet off the ground. And sometimes I'm afraid - scratch that - a lot of the time I'm afraid. But you know what? Sometimes I'm brave too. Sometimes, I don't give half a damn what anyone thinks about me or what I want to do, I just do it. Sometimes, I don't give half a damn whether I fail or not, as long as I try. Sometimes, I feel like I can do anything.

Some might say I'm ruled by emotion. That's probably true, in part. Everyone is. Everyone. Some control their emotions better, and I'm not going to say whether that's a good or bad thing because I don't know.

But I'm okay with that now. I'm okay with not knowing. I'm okay with just believing and hoping that everything I've done up to this point wasn't in vain. I'm okay with that. Because that's what faith is, it's believing even though you doubt. It's believing, even though you know how weak and cowardly you may be. It's believing, even though you can't know for sure if God is real until you die. It's believing that those little things you feel, those urgings and little hints that seem to direct your life are the work of a higher power and not just your mind working at more than its prescribed 10% limit. Doubt defines faith. One without the other wouldn't mean anything. See? Paradox?

So do I have any answers now? Nope.

Am I any less afraid than I was before? Nope.

Am I any less angry? Nope.

Any less small and mean deep down? Nope.

Do I know definitively that God exists? Nope.

But the real question is. Do I still believe? Do I still hope despite those things I know about myself and those things I don't know about God and life and girls and rocket science?

Answer? Yes.

Because that's just what faith is.

Jared

*****

But in the meantime we've got it hard,
Second floor living without a yard,
It may be years until the day,
My dreams will match up with my pay,

I got a girl to stick it out,
And make a home from a rented house oh,
And we'll collect the moments one by one,
I guess that's how the future's done oh

- Feist, Mushaboom