Can you get back up when you're feeling hurt?
When life doesn't meet you great expectations?
Can you turn lemons in lemonade?
Can you face the dark when you feel afraid?
When life doesn't meet your great expectations?
- Ali Slaight, Great Expectations
*****
H.A.L.T. is a self examination tool. It stands for:
- Hungry
- Angry
- Lonely
- Tired
Basically it's a way of examining why you're feeling the way you feel. And usually the way you're feeling is like crap. If not I guess you wouldn't be examining it? I don't think I've ever stopped in the middle of laughing and thought "Wait a sec... why am I so happy?" It's just not something that needs questioning. Maybe some people do it, but I suppose I'm not quite as pessimistic or paranoid as all that. I usually just accept the happiness.
But I wasn't talking about happiness - on a random note, never ever start a sentence with the word but, it's just bad writing form; but since no one is reviewing the grammatical correctness of my blog, I don't care. Anyway, I was talking about feeling-crap-ness. The H.A.L.T. method basically works by examining why you're feeling the way you're feeling. For example if you feel really crap, it may be because you're hungry, because scientifically, when you're hungry the chemical crap in your body does random crap that basically just makes it easier for you to feel like crap. (I've thoroughly researched this, obviously.)
If you're not hungry, it may be because you're angry. Being angry wears you out, and all that heightened emotion can lead to a major down. Kind of like taking too much sugar, except instead being hyper, you're pissed off before the down. Loneliness is of course another thing that can make you feel like crap. The one thing people often get wrong about loneliness is that it doesn't take into account how many friends you have, close or otherwise, it doesn't even take into account whether or not you're attached to someone at the moment. No, you can be sitting in a huge group of your best friends and still feel lonely. Why, I don't know. Maybe they're ignoring you or something, but still you can feel lonely in situations like that. And that in turn makes you feel like crap.
And (you shouldn't be starting sentences with the word 'and' either.) finally, tiredness. This one's pretty straightforward. When you're tired, you basically just don't have the energy to exert that you would usually exert on not letting things get to you. Thus things get to you. Thus, you feel like crap.
I feel like crap.
And I know why. It's partly because I'm hungry, angry, lonely and tired. But only partly. I know just why I feel like crap. And I suppose I'll tell you.
Have you ever felt a certain way, and you knew that feeling this way was wrong? For example have you ever felt so relieved that one of your friends didn't get an opportunity they really wanted, because their not getting it means a higher probability of your getting it? Yeah. You know that feeling is wrong, don't you? You know that feeling jealous, and petty and angry and selfish is wrong on so many levels. Wrong because the person is your friend and you love them. Wrong because you're happy at their misfortune. It's just wrong.
Ever been able to stop feeling that way just by telling yourself to stop? Doesn't work so well, does it? And then, not only are you jealous and angry, but then you're guilty. And all this just compounds on itself to make you incredibly, unbelievable, immensely unhappy.
I know how you feel.
I'm jealous. I'm insanely, immensely, unbelievably jealous. I wanted something, I really did. I wanted something very badly. A friend of mine wanted it too. We both went for it. But he went for it harder. He went for it incredibly hard. And I didn't. I didn't go as hard as he did, because to get it, I needed a lot of help from other people. I don't like to bother people. I don't like to ask them for things. I don't like to need help. I heard in a movie once "if you trouble your friends, soon you won't have any." I think that's true. The way I was raised seemed to back it up at least. If you had a problem, your job is to figure out the solution. Yourself. Work at it. And fix it. You don't ask other people to help you fix it. You get off your ass, and you get it done.
So I didn't trouble these people. And you know what? I didn't get their help. And you know what else? I didn't get what I wanted either. This friend of mine? He bugged them. Oh, did he bug them. He went at it so hard, not giving a second thought to things like politeness, or dignity, or saving face. He wanted it and he went all out for it, not really caring what it was people thought about him. You know what? He got it. He got it. This wonderful, out of this world, awe-inspiring opportunity. He got it, and I didn't.
The first emotion I felt? Jealousy. Bitter, bitter jealousy. I'm happy for him of course. I am. I truly truly am. I know it. Because I'm not a completely horrid person. I'm happy for him. But the thing that bothers me, that makes me stop and think, is the fact that my jealousy outweighs how happy I am for him. Despite how much I love him. Despite the fact that it's my own damn fault that I didn't get what wanted. I'm jealous. I'm so jealous, and that makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty, because I feel two-faced. How can I smile at him and tell him "Great job, bro. You did awesome. Love you, man." and feel jealous at the same time?
It just doesn't make sense to me. It confuses me. It makes me feel...just bad. I can't think of any better way to describe the feeling. Emotions have never been a simple topic. Explaining emotions, thinking about emotions, or hell, even feeling emotions. Emotions are a huge ball of confusion and chaos.
I know that some people will read this and their reactions will go something along the lines of "What the hell are you complaining about? You tried to be all cool and "dignified" and you didn't get what you wanted, because you're a stupid ass." And you know, that's true. But not for the exact reason. This is the part that just makes me cringe the most. The part that makes me want to just give up at...life and say "To hell with it, I'm not getting anywhere anyway, two steps forward and three steps back."
Whoever you are who said that up there, you're right. I didn't go for what I wanted hard enough. Some of you would say, "Well obviously you didn't really want it all that much then did you, loser?" I know it looks that way, but no, that's not true. I wanted it. I wanted it so badly. It's what I want to do with my life, and I realize that my life is not all that impressive a thing at the moment, but still, I wanted this thing that badly.
No, the thing that gets me, is the why I didn't go for it. You want the simple answer? I was afraid. Afraid of so many things. I was afraid that if I went all out for it and still didn't get it I'd look like a moron, I was afraid that if I did get it I'd screw it up, I was afraid that people would resent me for getting it. I was too afraid to honestly expect myself to do well at it at all. I just went with the "Well, if I get it then great. If not, then oh well, try harder I guess," method of going at it. I didn't say "I'm getting it, no matter what. Hell don't even try to stop me because I'm so getting it." I didn't say that. Because I was afraid.
I was afraid and now I'm jealous, guilty, hungry, angry, lonely, tired, ashamed and upset.
And you know what? It's all my own damn fault. Before writing this post, I reread some of the old posts I made on this blog from over a year ago. I was scared then, too. I've been scared for as long as I can remember. Scared of the dark. Scared of failing. Scared of what people would think of me. Scared of trying. Scared of making people not like me. Just scared. Always, all the time. There have been times where I've thought "Hey, this is good. I'm not so afraid anymore," but I am. I'm just as afraid as I ever was. I'm just as cowardly and weak as I ever was. I haven't changed at all.
That's a depressing thought, isn't it? I've moved to a different church, to a different youth group, to a completely different group of friends, but I'm still the same as I always was. Still afraid. Still powerless and too frozen in place to do anything about it.
I'm still petty, and selfish, and mean, and small, and cowardly. You ever read those old fairytales? The ones where there's always a frail, tiny guy in the shadows who's pretty much useless but just- forget that. You've probably seen the Lord of the Rings. If you haven't, please get out from under that rock. Anyway, you've probably seen it. Now I'm sure you identify yourself with some character, right? Most guys would want to be Aragorn, or Legolas even, depending on which they think is more awesome. In truth we're all probably more like the cannon fodder soldiers who get massacred by orcs, but that's a different story. The point here is, if I were to liken myself to character from LOTR?
I'd be Wormtongue.
I don't know how many of you remember him. But when Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli arrive in Rohan and they go to see King Theoden, they find him weak and diseased, his mind poisoned by the words of his advisor, Grima Wormtongue. If you remember him now, then you'll remember what he's like. Basically? He's a coward. The only thing he's good at? Is saving his own neck. He'll smile and wheedle and be charming and smooth to soothe your temper, and the moment your back is turned? He'll spit at it. In the book, he actually murders Saruman by doing that. Except instead of spitting at his back, he jumps onto it and stabs him a lot of times I think. Or cuts his throat. Or stabs him to death while he's sleeping or something. One of those.
The point is, Wormtongue is a coward. He'll do and say anything to fool you, and maybe even himself into thinking he's doing the right thing. When push comes to shove though, he's no good in a fight, he's weak and pale and a sniveling rat basically. He's a snake in the grass and no one likes him. Everyone wants him dead because as a coward, he's useless. Once you know the truth about him, he has no more power.
That's me. I talk a good game. I'm good at talking. I'm good at helping, and giving advice and sharing myself and being the all around nice guy, and it's all because I'm so afraid that someone will one day find out that actually, I'm a coward. That I'm too afraid to even live my own life, let alone help someone get through theirs. I'm Wormtongue.
I'm too afraid to go for what I want, but when my best friend gets it because he wasn't, I'm jealous first. Not happy. Jealous.
At my core. I'm petty, small and mean. I'm a coward.
You know what's going to keep me up tonight, though?
That fact that in all the movies and books that feature them, cowards always get their come-uppance. And then they die. Horribly.
Such a cheery thought.
Goodnight
Jared
P.S. Such a cheery return post I've left you with, is it not? Pfft, happiness is for brave people.
Can you break down but still be strong
When you disagree can you get along
When life doesn't meet your great expectations
When you look at yourself, tell me who do you see
Do you see yourself or who you want to be
Do you live up to your great expectations
You're looking, you're searching
You don't know if you'll find the answers
You're hoping something's gonna change
- Ali Slaight, Great Expectations
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