Movie Review: Twilight

"What a sick, masochistic lion." - Edward Cullen, Twilight

*****

That about describes anyone who would voluntarily watch Twilight a second time. No, I kid. Perhaps I'm being too harsh. But let's take a step back and analyze the movie objectively. As a person who has not read the book, I'll here give my (objective) opinion on the movie-adaptation of Stephenie Meyer's novel, Twilight.

Part One: Plot

The plot is taken of course from the titular novel. All in all it's a basic monster meets not monster love story vaguely reminiscent of Beauty and the Beast. Though Edward Cullen's self loathing far outweighs anything we were exposed to in the Disney classic. But that's another section. I think as far as writing goes the plot is a sound one.

The scriptwriter can keep things rolling at a relatively smooth pace, even able to throw a splash of color into an otherwise generic love-story at certain spots. Certain parts of dialogue could have done with some minor tweaks though. Obviously having Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart quote dialogue from the book verbatim is a nod to Twilight's diehard fans. But as part of a movie for one of the "uninitiated" the dialogue and the almost perpetual staring at each other begins to run off as corny.

All in all the beginning middle and end are wholly satisfactory. But that is all. The body of the story tends to drag several scenes a little longer than necessary, which begins to give on the impression that the director had no better ideas in his head to throw into filming. But then, perhaps the $37 million budget had something to do with that decision. Specially in an industry where the average budget for a film is $100 - $150 million.

All in all, an average plot that delivers almost all it promises. Though not, it must be stated, all that was promised by the hype surrounding the release of the movie.

Part Two: Characterization

In the beginning, Kristen Stewart plays her part of the "new girl in town" to perfection. Her expressions, matched by her almost deadpan narration fit the tone of the movie perfectly. Though during the first encounter with Edward Cullen, the acting takes a sudden dip.

Both Stewart and Pattinson seem to have become suddenly infected with and overacting bug for the duration of their first scene together. The situation comes off as so contrived that at some points it becomes a stretch for the viewer to know exactly what is going on. And while there is the hope that Edward's strong reaction to his soon-to-be love interest will be explained, this explanation never materializes.

That having been said, after the initial wooden-ness which one can attribute to perhaps, nerves, or some unsettled misgivings about the scene. The characters are fleshed out nicely and given distinct personalities of their own. Though the depth of the characters surrounding the two protagonists is an area left wholly unfilled by their portrayal in the film, Stewart and Pattinson do a good job of pulling most of the scenes off without a return to their awkwardness.

The only qualm later becomes their near-perpetual staring at each other, and the rather contrived romance that begins to unfold.

Robert Pattinson does an admirable job of injecting an essentially inhuman character with a humanity that belies his origins. He portrays the self-loathing of his character well enough to convince the viewer, though at certain points it becomes altogether too much to bear leaving you wanting to slap him across the face. The only qualm this writer has is with the mannerisms tacked onto the purportedly "perfect" Edward Cullen. After much hype about the character, the viewer expects a man of some considerable charm and suave-ness to finally appear on the screen. Instead we are met with a hulking figure (that we must force ourselves to believe is 17 years old) who looks far more awkward than any of the other characters with whom he shares the screen.

Robert Pattinson makes Edward Cullen seem like a perpetually tense character, walking with his shoulders rigid, his arms not swinging at his sides, defying all laws of physics, momentum, and human anatomy. It seems at times that this boy who is viewed by some as the "epitome of manliness" is not a super charmer, but merely another prop in the backdrop of the movie. It must be said however, that Pattinson does an admirable job of showing a less tense side of Edward... in about four scenes.

Part Three: Special Effects

With a budget of $37 million it's hard to expect any feats of greatness from the special effects presented in this movie. The effects that do crop up are, I suppose, satisfactory in themselves.

The basic blur effects used to show the fast movement of the vampires serves as a sort of figurative representation rather than to actually illustrate the speed of their movements. At times, this effect is so misplaced that it leaves you wondering why it was used at all I.E. when Edward is walking around his car to open the door for Bella.

The "diamond-shine" of the vampires' skin is, it must be said one of the most disappointing effects in the film. It looks more like Pattinson was daubed with silver glitter than the light reflecting off his skin. Though thankfully, this effect is only used twice.

The fight scenes left much to be desired, with much of the viewer's attention drawn from the actual fighting, to Bella Swan lying on the floor in throes of agony. Thus the effects used here were probably left over "wire-fu" apparatus from the Matrix. The scene is presented as choppy and disjointed, often ceasing to make any coherent sense and failing to satisfy the thirst for blood that has been fostered in the viewer by almost an hour and a half of watching two "teenagers" make eyes at each other.

Part Four: Overview

All-in-all Twilight is a satisfactorily average movie. While definitely not the worst movie of the year (that award goes to Max Payne, just...ugh.) it is definitively nowhere near the running for best, either. It will most probably be filed in the "teen romance" section in DVD stores, right next to the High School Musical series, and other such shows like, A Cinderella Story.

While failing to deliver on much of the hype that surrounded it, Twilight serves as a perfectly respectable movie-adaptation of a novel. Though to those with no exposure to the novels much of it will inevitably prove inane, bordering on ludicrous.

In conclusion, Twilight is not a movie that you would want to forget. But neither is it a movie you would make any particular effort to remember.

Rating: 2.5/5

That's all folks,

Jared

Infractum

He tells everyone a story,
'Cause he thinks his life is boring,
And he fights so you won't ignore him,
'Cause that's his biggest fear,
And he cries but you rarely see him do it,
And he loves but he's scared to use it,
So he hides behind the music,
'Cause he likes it that way,

Have you ever felt this way before?
'Cause I don't wanna hide here anymore,
Take me to the place where nothing's wrong,
And thanks for coming, shut the door,
They say someone out there sees us,
Well if you're real then save me Jesus,
Cause I've been this way for far too long,
I wasn't meant to feel alone

- Thousand Foot Krutch, This Is A Call

*****

Infractum is a Latin word meaning, to break, weaken, impair, or discourage.

I should have grown a brain sooner. I should have seen it. But I didn't want to. Whatever. It's over now.

I give up.

You win.

I break again.

Jared

****

What if I wanted to break?
Laugh it all off in your face?
What would you do?
What if I fell to the floor?
Couldn't take this anymore?
What would you do?

- 30 Seconds to Mars, The Kill

Home, Home On The...Condo?

I'm home!

That is all.

Perhaps my brain will start up again after I shower and sleep. I feel icky.

Just felt like making my presence felt again!

Hooooomeeeeeee,

Jared

Let It Go

"I had a picture of you in my mind,
Never knew it could be so wrong,
Why'd it take me so long just to find,
The friend that was there all along?"

- Boyzone, Picture of You

Whooo, staying awake for more than 32 hours at a time isn't something I'd recommend as a healthy practice. xD Yeah, that's just one of the things I wanted to throw out there. It's a very important little fact, y'know? Anyways, on to more serious matters.

I dislike human nature. And I'll tell you why. Because it's human nature to hold on to things long after it's wise, or even good for us. Examples? The guy who holds on to his house even though he can't pay the mortgage and keeps going deeper and deeper in debt, just cause he wants to look cool. The guy who holds on to the "fact" that he was right when he was obviously wrong. The girl who holds on to the guy who's obviously doing nothing but causing her pain. The people who cling to the dream of "having someone" even though all the cards have been laid on the table and you were dealt a losing hand. I dislike holding on to things because it gives you a reason to wallow. Wah wah wah, I feel so bad because she doesn't like me. Wah wah wah, I feel so bad because I'm 7 million dollars in debt and can't find a way out. Wah wah wah, why can't I stop loving him even though he's hurting me? Sure, wallowing has it's place. Everyone loves a good wallow, but then you can be so down that you forget how to be up.

People can't be blamed, of course. It's human nature to want things, maybe even need them. And I know firsthand how hard it can be to let go of something. It's like holding on tight to a bar or something for hours while you're on a speedboat or something. When you let go, your hand is cramped in place and it's difficult to get it off the bar. Or playing guitar, your left hand forms chords, you play long enough, it cramps in position and even if you take it off the guitar it's difficult to get your fingers to do exactly what you want for awhile. So yes, even physically it can be hard to let go sometimes. The thing is, it's probably more painful in the long run, to hold on to that thing/person/guitar/bar/whatever.

"Those who expect nothing are never disappointed."
-
Mrs. Rachel Lynde, Anne of Green Gables

Well, I don't think I can buy into the philosophy. Of course it's easy to give up on dreams and hopes and wants. But well, the easy way out isn't always the best. I mean sure, if you're stuck in a burning building on the ground floor and the door is on fire, then the window is the easiest way out. Jump. But if it's still the easiest way out on the 40th floor, it isn't exactly the best way out, is it? As I've written before, I set my heart very fully on things and it tends to end up with me being hurt. Yes it does. But then, not hoping isn't the answer. I think not trying is a worse crime than not succeeding to live. Even if you tried and failed, you tried. In the words of Bruce Lee, "If it kills you, it kills you."

For myself and many people I know, this year has been a big one. We're 17. And yes, while it isn't as big a change as being oh say...18 xD or 20, it's still an important year. At 17 kids are leaving school for college, or leaving school to try and work, or trying to make it in the music industry. 17 is a crossroads in the life of any person, and I think the choices that are made this year will go a long way to deciding whether or not we reach the goals and dreams we set out for ourselves.

And if we're holding on to all that baggage, we'll never make it. Who's ever tried climbing a ladder with a heavy backpack on? I climbed a mountain :P Not much fun is it? I'm an advocate of letting things go. It doesn't do to hold on to the hurt and pain. It doesn't do to let the painful past dictate your current and future actions. Of course, I'm still learning as I go. Sometimes the old fear creeps up and I just want to close myself off. But then, that's the point. Letting it go. Being free. The only thing caging a lot of people is themselves. The only thing keeping them from that girl/guy they want (unless of course the girl/guy is fictional, then...sorry for you la. :P) the only thing keeping them from breaking out into the music scene like they want, is what's in their head.

Though it isn't all their fault, as young people these days we're so bombarded by things that say we're not good enough unless we're super skinny, or have perfect teeth, or look like Brad Pitt. We have people saying things like "So many pimples la you." or not disagreeing with us and telling us to shut up when we call ourselves fat. It's hard to find your self-identity when everything pressures you to be a certain way. See, everyone was made unique, right? That means everyone has their own color to add to the rainbow of humanity, but then people tell us we all have to be the same, act the same, and we listen! Can you imagine a rainbow that was all ultraviolet? Yeah, see how much you'd enjoy looking at that.

What I'm saying is, there's nothing to be afraid of. We, teenagers in general and those who've turned seventeen this year in particular, have made the future such a big scary thing. But it's less complicated than we give it credit for. If you fail, you fail la. Try again. If you go bankrupt? Work your ass off, pay it off, and try again. If he/she doesn't love you the way you wanted? Boo-hoo. Suck it up. xD Just kidding. So what if they don't love you the way you wanted? What's the big deal? Is the world going to crack? One more thing, don't listen to your idiot friends who tell you stupid things like "Aiya, she doesn't deserve you la." or "You're too good for him, really wan!" Cause that's stupid. Running people down to make yourself feel better is stupid.

The trick is to forget. Forget that guy who molested you when you were just a kid. Forget that girl who spurned you with utmost disdain because she was white and you're not. Forget the person who hurt you, who said "It's a waste of time trying to love a person like that." Forget the loss you had in that talent competition, the bad grades you got, the nasty jibes. Forget it all. And just LIVE. I'm not talking about existentialism, living in the moment. Never looking ahead or back. I'm talking about grabbing a wasp and yanking that little bugger's sting off so he can never hurt you again. (Metaphorically speaking. Don't go around killing wasps, that's mean. ^_^) Taking the hurt out of your memories so that you're free to live your life.

In gist? Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to go for what you want with all you have. Cause as long as you're alive you can't lose.

"Never give up, never surrender."
-
Tim Allen as Captain Jason Nesmith, Galaxy Quest

*****

"I've got something to tell ya,
I've got something to say,
I'm gonna put this dream in motion,
Gonna let nothing stand in my way,

I'm gonna get myself 'cross the river,
That's the price I'm willing to pay,
I'm gonna make you stand and deliver,
And give me love in the old-fashioned way"

- Boyzone, When The Going Gets Tough

*****

I'm gonna buy me a one way ticket,
Nothing's gonna hold me back. Hee, I love that song.

There's nothing to be scared of.

There never was :)

Jared

Let The Good Times Roll

"I'll taste every moment,
And live it out loud,
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be more than a name,
Or a face in the crowd,
I know this is the time,
This is the time of my life"
- David Cook, The Time of My Life

Well, Zoe asked me to make my next blog post a happy one. Well, she made me promise, actually. So I shall endeavour to do my best. Of course, as it's a rather large deviation from my normal sort of writing, you'll have to excuse me if I'm not any good at it. But then, I've heard that the only failure is failure to try. Ahaha. So, I won't be doing that.

So I will begin by...describing things that I like about myself. Yes, it's encouraging and perfectly egotistical. I'll do it! Haha. Well, I've written before how most people don't see the value in themselves. How it's easy to become your own harshest critic until you can't see anything worth, uh...anything in yourself. Well, to counter-act that, I think the only thing a person can do is encourage themselves, because people are notorious for not encouraging others without cause. I mean, comforting others is one thing. But encouraging them to like who they are, to value who they are is a completely different matter. As the saying goes "Know thyself." That means all aspects, the good and the bad.

First off, what do I like about myself? I like...my jawline. xD Well, it's true. It's a very defined jawline, so I like the way it turns out in pictures. Like, compare this picture of myself when I was about...14 I think:


To this picture of my current self:


From no visible jawline, to very solid looking jawline! :D Well, I just thought I'd point that out. Of course, some people will say I just got skinnier, but that's not true! I gained weight. :P So, that's the first thing I like about myself, my jawline. ^_^ I can ignore my left eye being a little smaller than my right, my messed up front tooth, even the stuuuupid pimples, all because of my jawline. :D I'm not vain. I'm just...giving credit where credit is due? ^_^ Everyone needs their one redeeming feature, right?

Anyway, that's just a tiny physical thing. What I was talking about goes a little deeper. Qualities like endurance, and fortitude, and courage. I think it's easy to sell yourself short sometimes. I mean, for example I've been calling myself weak for so long but I forgot just how stubborn I really am. Or perhaps I've only underestimated the way I'd react to life's small pleasures. I read in Anne of Green Gables that when we're upset we feel like we have to stay upset, because it feels like a betrayal of ourselves if we let ourselves be happy again. We feel that we have to keep on being miserable because we shouldn't be happy. And of course, written down, it seems like a perfectly ludicrous idea, but you'd be surprised the ability of people to perform ludicrous things.

Really, life is a fickle thing. It's like a person who chucks you down a really deep hole, then lowers you a ladder, helps you out and is all like, "Sorry about that. Just messing with ya. Let's hit a party!" But the thing it, even though it's the thing that knocks you down, it simply refuses to let you be unhappy for any extended period of time. Which is something I begin to learn more and more lately. I mean, I catch myself singing happy songs! "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" isn't exactly the best emo song around. But it's a redeeming point, I suppose that you can't stay down.

I read, in Anne of Avonlea (I like the Anne of Green Gables series, I'm a romantic, shut up >_>) that "A broken heart is like a bad tooth. It takes bad spells and hurts something fierce until you can't sleep. But in between those times it leaves you alone to enjoy all the golden days of life." So I figure, I may as well focus on enjoying those "Golden Days." I've already had all the practice I'll ever need with the "hurting something fierce" I've like, mastered being depressed. So I think I should work on learning to just kick back and enjoy the good parts of life now.

It doesn't mean that I'm suddenly always perky. It doesn't mean that I stop fretting about how the girl I'm enamored of feels about me. It doesn't even mean that I'm happy now. It just means that like everyone else, I think learning to enjoy yourself is just as important as learning to be emo. They're both useful life-skills dontcha know? Ahaha!

So, that having been said, I suppose I'll conclude for tonight by injecting a little ray of light to brighten my, and possibly your outlook on life just a little. Every night ends, every storm blows over, and every wound heals. They leave scars, and fears, and nightmares. But every unpleasant thing comes to an end. I guess we just gotta keep hoping.

I hope for everyone. That's what messes me up sometimes. But I don't mind. People need someone to hope for them sometimes.

Whatever dreams may come,
I'll take them all,
The good and the bad,

Because hey,
Life's just like that, ^_^

Jared

Bend 'Til You Break

I bought a new book today, "Fighting Spirit" the Bruce Lee biography. I don't really read biographies, I think it's boring. But 1) Bruce Lee is awesomeness incarnate, and 2) The quote on one of the first few pages struck me. It goes like this:

"If you always put limits on yourself and what you can do, physical or anything, you might as well be dead. It will spread into your work, your morality, your entire being. There are no limits, only plateaux. But you must not stay there, you must go beyond them. If it kills you, it kills you." - Bruce Lee

I've been told lately that my blog writing has become "weak." A statement which may have aggravated me in no small way several years ago. But now serves only to make me think, a little. I was also told "go and read better books." So I think Bruce Lee is a good place to start. But before I begin to delve again into the realms of philosophy of which I am sadly not all too adept, let me first continue awhile in the musings of a frightened little seventeen-year-old.

It's very easy to believe yourself or feel older than you actually are, specially in a day and age such at this. It's very easy to grow jaded because things you aim for and hope for and dream for never seem to materialize. Of course, impatience may play a part in the adding to the seemingly agonizingly long amount of time between dream and realization, but that's something for the discussion of another time. Tonight, I'll simply be me and talk about things I know of.

Let's begin, shall we? To be honest, this week hasn't been wonderful. Physically, mentally, emotionally. It's been like a great big typhoon sweeping through and picking all the pieces (broken and incomplete pieces, but pieces nonetheless) of my life and destroying the neat little piles I'd made up of them. Physically, I somehow strained my right shoulder at work on Wednesday, and it's been hurting ever since. It's still hurting now making bending over the keyboard a rather more painful experience than necessary. Mentally, I started a new job. And it's pretty much easy as cashiering jobs are apt to be. But there are certain duties I need to perform that take a certain amount of brain power and memorization. Compound onto the the mental anguish of useless band-mates and non-committed actors in Christmas productions and you get a pretty little mess.

Emotionally. Well, my emotions have always been a roller-coaster. Or at least since I turned about thirteen they have been. I was watching "Seven" yesterday. It's a Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman movie. And in it, Brad Pitt's character professes to "feed off his emotions." At the end of the movie, his wife is killed by the antagonist and her head sent to him in a box. Brad Pitt's character, "feeds off his emotions" loses his temper and empties his gun into the handcuffed and kneeling antagonist. Yeah. Pretty intense, huh? But it served to get me thinking. What would I have done in his place? Truth be told, I'd probably have done much much worse.

I've come to the realization, that I'm very bad at dealing with my emotions. Running away from and hiding them I'm very good at, but dealing with them is a different matter entirely. I remember when I was dumped three months ago, something ugly and huge and mean welled up inside of me. I was so blind with this primal emotion which was so much more than anger, or sadness. Something huge and terrible squeezing at my chest. I walked through Mid Valley not knowing where I was going, not noticing who I bumped into. I just clenched my fists over and over until my fingernails dug into my palms and made them raw. When I'm upset, I refuse to talk to anyone, I refuse to let anyone close enough to help me. I hide in my room and do things like post emo poems on my blog. Haha.

I used to wonder what it meant to have "hardened your heart." Never made any sense, cause it's like there was so much of me I wanted to give and never foresaw being different. But then, such are the dreams and hopes of children. I'm not trying to be the jaded old man, but after awhile, it just becomes easier to hide. Not let anyone in close enough to hurt you, because you simply are too afraid of the pain. Then, after awhile, even if you want to, you can't remember how to let people in anymore. And on the odd occasion that you do, you get hurt. And it becomes a vicious circle.

I realize that in many ways I'm still a child. Just because I don't give voice to my wants, just because I can pretend to accept not getting what I want, doesn't mean I want what I want any less fiercely than I did when I was ten. I cling to my airy fantasies, my melodramatic dreams with such tenacity, that having them unrealized is almost enough to break me over and over. But then again, in some ways I'm not a child anymore. Sure, my parents and elders have eaten more salt than I've eaten rice. But that doesn't mean I haven't eaten any salt. I know firsthand about commitment, and faithfulness to a person. I know that things don't come easy, that it's hard work and sacrifice until you get where you're going. I know that things don't always go our way and the only thing we can really do is suck it up and move on. But then, there's a great deal more of the child in me than there is of the man.

Truth be told, I like it that way. I never want to be so hardened by experiences and disappointments that I could give up on hope, or dreams. So concerned about being "grown up" that I can't cry at a good movie, or laugh as hard as I want and as long as I want even if other people don't think the joke is that funny. I know, just like everyone else in the world knows, that life sucks big time. I know that you don't get what you want, that people you love may not love you back the way you wanted them to, that some people use you, and others take you for granted. But knowing these things won't stop me from hoping.

Someone I care a great deal about told me this, once: "Believing in the most unrealistic things, no matter how painful, is what makes you...you. Don't stop being you. Never ever."

Another person told me today: "I'm proud of you. If you can be rejected that many times and still do what you do, you're not stupid."

I was upset. I was hurting, and tired, jaded and weak. And truth be told, I think I still am somewhere inside. But where it counts, I'm simply me. True, I've lost sight of exactly who that is these days, but that doesn't stop me from being me. I love with all the fierceness of a brushfire, I hope and dream with the intensity of burning stars. And what I know is that, no matter how many times I'm used, taken for granted, put down, and rejected. No matter how much pain I'm in, or how jaded I feel or how disappointed, I will always believe in people. I'll always hold to my ideals.

I've been told I become too attached to people, that I give my heart away too easily, set it too highly on things and by doing so I simply set myself up for a world of hurt. And I have to agree, I do do that. Again and again, as if I'm stupid. But I know I won't stop caring for people. I won't stop looking after them, listening to their troubles, carrying their burdens. I won't stop loving them no matter how hurt I get.

Because:

"I cannot do everything,
but I can do something,
and so because I cannot do everything,
I will not hesitate to do the something I can do."

I can't love everyone. I can't rescue everyone. I can't even rescue myself. I can't care for everyone or protect everyone. But I can love some, I can protect and care for some. And so, because I can care for those few, I will not hesitate to pour my all into that pursuit. I firmly believe that when you pour your heart out to people you never lose. In the long run anyway. In the short run they break you, and hurt you, use you and hurt you. But the whole point is trying to see the big picture. I may not be good enough, but I know I'm good and that's all I can be.

A good friend of mine always asks me: "You're always trying to be the hero. Always trying to save everyone, protect everyone, look after everyone. Well, who looks after you?"

And I always answered me. Or that I don't need looking after because I can do it on my own. But I lied. I was always looking for someone, always longing for someone to see that I needed looking after. And I thought I'd found her. Three times before, and a fourth time recently. Truthfully, I don't think I've let go of them all. The two most recent are still fresh and raw and hurt with a vengeance. I wanted to cry all day today.

But I've been working too hard at it, I think. Trying so hard to get someone to love me, trying to get her to love me, whoever she happens to be at the time, that I forgot to look after myself. So I suppose I'll be smart, and push aside the need for awhile and focus on me. It's like throwing a rock to hit lamppost and missing. Then getting annoyed and throwing it, not caring whether you hit it or not and getting it dead center.

So, I hope someone out there is looking for me. I hope that I'll meet that person someday and finally I won't have to worry about it anymore. I also hope she finds me soon. But in the meantime, the best thing I can do is look out for myself.

It's selfish, but Daphne said to me: "I know you care and really want to look after everyone, just don't forget to look after yourself, okay? It's okay to be selfish sometimes."

It's about me now, finally,
Jared

Threnody

A Threnody is a hymn of mourning. Though I'm no good at writing songs I can crystallize this feeling in poetry for tonight. But I get the feeling that this will be a long poem. Before that though, a quote.

"Dreams and make-believes are all very well in the daytime and sunshine, but when dark and storm come they fail to satisfy. One wants real things then." - Ms. Lavender Lewis, Anne of Avonlea

Here we go:

Threnody

Tonight the sky seems darker,
The night stretches far too long,
The stars hide behind wispy cloud,
As we try hard to be strong,

We try to shut our eyes so tight,
Against the tears that threaten so,
To spill and roll upon our cheeks,
For life has brought us low,

We search all of us humans now,
For things to make us whole,
To fill that space within ourselves,
Which pains our very soul,

For while the day may hold its dreams,
The night holds naught but fear,
'Cause when the bright sun hides his face,
All hope must disappear,

And while we reach for love so sweet,
We never must forget,
That all the pain we hold so dear,
Is only part of what comes next,

So I would like to urge you,
To perhaps think once again,
About the chance of happiness,
That we sought out through the rain,

But our roads lay divided,
And divided they may stay,
For we each have our own set path,
And I know you will not stray,

I love you as the sea loves shores,
And as the sun adores the moon,
I love you more with every breath,
Though we may well part soon,

Together though we never were,
I will hold fast to my dreams,
For in my dreams I have your love,
Though twisted things may seem,

And so I sit here night by night,
And write these lines to you,
For verses are all I can give,
Only you will I give them to,

Now I close my tired eyes,
And hear the melody,
Not of your voice as I so wish,
But of this gentle threnody

I spoke my mind. I gave my all. In the words of Count Adhemar in A Knight's Tale, "I have been weighed, I have been measured, and I have been found wanting." It's easy to talk of hope and things in the daytime when everything's bright and happy. But at night, I think these are the only types of posts I'm capable of. Or maybe it's only this night.

Dear You,

I am not hurt. And I do not blame you. As I said, you can't help being who you are, and none of it is therefore, any fault of yours. I simply want to say that, I wouldn't have done it differently at all. Not one step in the development of our acquaintance. I hesitate to call it a relationship as some might take it the wrong way. As you can see, the big words materialize. But it is none of your doing, the blame lies with me.

I should have known better. And I should have been perhaps, less stubborn and more prudent. And then maybe I would have saved us both some grief. As it is, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you hurt and I'm unable to do anything about it. I'm sorry I added to it so callously, thinking only of myself. I'm sorry that I cannot make you see just how beautiful you truly are. Because yes, I do think you're beautiful though I would hardly dare tell you before. I doubt it matters at this point.

I don't know what happens tomorrow. I don't know if we simply get up and continue as if nothing had ever happened, or if you're going to hide yourself away. But I wouldn't care what the outcome as long as I knew that you'd one day catch a glimpse of what I see in you. You say I think too much, and maybe you're right. Maybe I am too melodramatic for my own good. But then, in a world where reality differs only in its shades of grey, what more can we cling to than dreams and drama?

Honestly. I wish things were different. With all I have inside I do. As it is, I don't know where things stand, but I have a pretty good idea, you know? I wish so fervently that I could have done something, been better at something, changed something about myself to be what you needed. And while it's strange, I find that I've grown attached to you. Probably far more so than is healthy for me. I read that "It isn't right to set your heart so on another mortal being." But with you? Who could help themselves? I don't regret. Not a thing. But if there is some alternate reality where it had worked differently, I wish I could switch places with my alternate.

As the sun loves the moon and the sea loves the shore,
As rivers love the rocks and trees love the earth,
Though it probably isn't healthy for me at all.

I love you, for always,
Jared

What The Future Holds

I don't know exactly. But I'm scared. I don't know what's going to happen to me, or anyone I care about. Whether we'll even still like each other years from now. It's all so much bigger than me, and it isn't an entirely comfortable feeling. Who am I kidding, it's an entirely uncomfortable feeling.

It feels like I'm at a crossroads and everything is ending, and new things are beginning and I don't know which way I should go or even if I'm on the right road. Tings are going to change, and everything's becoming unfamiliar, new and frightening. I was talking to my cousin, Daniel tonight, and realize that everyone is scared of the future. Nothing scares us more than not knowing. The uncertainty is maddening.

Imagine a steam engine rushing toward you. Now imagine not knowing whether it's really going to hit you or not. You freeze in place, the brakes slam on and you just stare, waiting helplessly for your fate to be decided. That's sort of what I feel like right now. The concept of the future is so much bigger than I ever thought it would be. So much bigger than me. And it doesn't seem nearly as simple as it used to. There's so much room for success or failure. And the thing is, it's so much easier to fail. Even people who give their all don't always make it. And that's the kind of thought that makes the prospect of having to grow up and walk into the big bad world all by yourself just that much more frightening.

Sometimes I wonder if everything really is going to be alright. Because sometimes it feels like things are changing too fast that they could never settle into any semblance of normal. Then I have to remember to believe. There's not a lot of things I believe in nowadays. I decided to give a lot of them up, because they're unrealistic. I can't believe in people anymore, I can't believe in simplicity, or luck. But I have to believe in the future. I have to believe that things won't always be this way, and that, scary as it is, the future holds something bright and worthwhile in store for me.

That having been said. It doesn't make the future any less scary.
Am I scared? Hell yes. Always.

I'm tired of dream castles.

Jared

Winner Take All

ABBA sings a song, "The Winner Takes It All." The lyrics are HERE. Because I don't want to post them up on my blog cause they're long. It's my new favourite song. It's meaningful to me. At this point in life anyways. I'm tired. Maybe it's just that I've had to step outside myself into something new lately. Or maybe it's just because today was a long day and I tend to get emotional after such days. Either way, I feel tired. Of everything.

Not in and of itself. I'm just sick and tired building dream castles. Tired of pinning my hopes on things that just shatter at the first sign of stress. It's all well and good to plan for the future, it's nice to dream of things to come. And it even feels good. It makes things seem so near, so simple, and so easy and comfortable. But then, the trouble with building cloud castles is that you can't live in them. You have to come back down to earth eventually, and then what good do your castles made of clouds do you? None at all.

I'm an idealist. I like to believe in the things that most people these days accept as not existing. The good in every person, the beauty in every person, that things always work out well in the end. In today's world, being an idealist takes a lot of effort, because the world and everything in it seem hellbent on breaking each and every dream of yours into the smallest pieces possible. I'm proud that I could make it this far as an idealist, but I wonder if it's time to grow out of the wide-eyed, hopeful, little boy routine.

But therein lies the conflict. I know people who thought just that. Who stopped hoping, or trusting, or believing. And they let themselves get hard. And I don't want to be that way, because that can't be what we were made to be, can it? I mean, if we were made to be hard, and unfeeling, then we'd have been made out of rock. I believe with every ounce of faith I have, that the world is messed up. This isn't the way things were meant to be, and I would do anything, give anything, become anything to fix it. Because the world we know now, isn't a world I want to live in. I hate it.

It's a society where people honor morally unsound public figures because they're rich. It's a world where people tear at each other, claw their way over others, uncaring of what they have to do or become to get to the "top." It wears away at you, the sheer enormity of the oppression that has become this life, like a sea wearing at a cliff. Pounding endlessly until you just break, and great big parts of you fall away and you lose them forever.

I think that lately, faced with a crossroads of some kind, I've been trying to hold on to all the parts of me that make me...well me, really. It's like suddenly, I'm seventeen years old. And now is when I have to decide what kind of person I'll be, what kind of life I'll lead, what kind of people I'll know and influence and be influenced by. And honestly, sometimes it feels like it's too much for one soul to bear. Sometimes I just don't want to be alive, I'd rather never have existed than have to have come to this point. It's as if, after all my life living on the ground, I've been thrown out of a plane and told to fly or die.

There's so much I want to do and be and see and feel and have and know, but I don't know the first thing when it comes to going after them. It makes you feel stupid, and helpless, not knowing how to run your own life. And then, the pressure doesn't seem to come from outside anymore, but from inside you. You become your own harshest critic, and it becomes so easy to start hating yourself for your blind, blissful, ignorance. What can you do, when you detest the way you are?

I think that the way Christianity has become an excuse for bigotry and discrimination doesn't help matters much either. I mean young people today, not just me, a whole great big bunch of us all feel just as lost and helpless as I do. And when we should be able to be near God, be guided to him, we get put in boxes, shackled down by the added laws and regulation of Christians who forgot what it's like to be this way. I wonder what things will come to if people stay this way. It'll be a free-for-all. All the basest instincts of humanity will emerge until we're no better than animals. I don't want to be around when that happens. I really don't.

Disillusioned

In the dark I sit and stare,
At words upon a page,
Words that detail all my hope,
And all my pain and rage,

In the dark I sit and think,
As time ceases to move,
About things that I wish to see,
Things to gain and prove,

In the dark I move away,
From all that light and hope have shown,
The things the world will never be,
Dead leaves by cold winds blown,

In the dark I lay me down,
To sleep in the dead of night,
To rest at last my weary soul,
To clean away the blight,

In the dark I hide away,
Curled into a little ball,
Because the world is cold and grey,
And the winners take it all

Bleh. Emo poem. I haven't written one in awhile. But I like this one. The ending is ambiguous enough. Well, I'm tired. So I'm going to sleep.

Adieu,

Jared

From A Secret Admirer

^_^ Okay, it's a corny title. But that pretty much sums up what I'm going to do here. I'm going to write a letter. To her. Because I'm tired, and emotional, and can't think of a better outlet to release. If you're not her (which you may be, but wouldn't know anyway) then just take this as a short story of sorts. Like something you'd find in a book where the author feels compelled to record the letter her character has written because it's a crucial part of the story. If not, just skip this entry. ^_^

Dear You,

So hi. I doubt you saw this coming. And I doubt you realize the weight of the conviction which hangs on these words of mine. Not because I doubt the kind of person you are, but only because I know the kind of person you are. The kind of person who doesn't pick up on subtle, (or else the kind of person who does and is evil enough to string me along, of these two I choose the former) the kind of person who doesn't see the value in herself, or at least isn't able to see the value I see in you.

I suppose life has a sense of humor that way. I mean, no one really sees the value in themselves. If you asked me, I wouldn't say I was that great. I don't see myself as the positive, cheerful person that you do. But I guess that's what brings us together as well. I read somewhere once (or I made it up, I can't remember. But it sounds like something I read.) that "We're not alone. And even if we are, we're together in that too." It's like, some sort of comfort mechanism that humans have. We need to be together. Whether it's in sadness or joy, pain or comfort. We. Need. To. Be. Together.

I've heard it said so many times that, people need each other. And I suppose that on some level, it's a good thing. I mean, without other people around I think the majority of humanity would go right insane. Like people who are locked in solitary confinement for too long. But that, I think, is more of a survival mechanism. And people aren't built to simply survive. We're built to live. In King Arthur, Arthur says to Guinevere: "It's the natural state of any man to want to live."

She replies: "Animals live. It's the natural state of any man to want to live free."

People weren't meant to survive. We were meant to live. And I suppose that's what I'm writing to you about. I'm tired of surviving. Well, more accurately, I'm tired of feeling like I'm only surviving, day to day. People talk about God and how he fills you. I believe and I desire it. But I've said it before, and I'll say it again. God only goes so far. God isn't going to come down and wrap me in a hug when I'm upset. God isn't going to pat me on the back when I do a good job. That's what he put people here for.

So I suppose, what I'm simply trying to say is. You make me feel alive. It's a feeling. And chasing feelings is a dangerous pastime. I know this firsthand. But that's all I wanted to say, just so you know. Talking to you each night is the highlight of my day, what I look forward to with a wanton anticipation. When I talk to you, even though I cannot get in your head, or maybe because I cannot get inside your head, my brain and my mouth disconnect. It's like, in this moment I'm truly, fully alive. Fully aware of every facet of my being. So painfully aware, in fact, that I trip over my own feet, my mind races to find words to say only to get them backwards or mixed up.

It's a form of torture that the universe has devised I think, creating someone like you. Someone so blissfully unaware of the things you draw out of me. Well, to be more exact, so blissfully unaware that it is you who draw them out of me. I wonder what the future holds for us. Often I find myself dreaming; hoping against my better judgement that perhaps you feel what I feel. Before I pull myself back down to earth.

Simply put, I am enamored of you. Enthralled beyond reasoning and logic. And though a part of me hopes that you'll see it. Another hopes you never do. Because in that moment, I will be laid bare, all my insecurities and imperfections, weaknesses and shortcomings. And it is with a sort of...expectant dread, that I hope the days comes.

I doubt even this measure will enlighten you as to who you are. The prospect of which half gladdens and half breaks me. But hope is a bird that will not be caged, and I can do nothing but let her soar.

Yours,
Jared

Well, what can I say? I read too much poetry. And yeah, normal people don't talk like that. But when you speak the language of love, how else are you to express yourself? I wonder what purpose feelings like these serve. I hope I'll find out someday.

Ici ne va rien,
Here we go again,
Jared