In The Quiet

Pros Of Not Talking To Anyone:

- My phone bill is lower.
- I sleep a little earlier.
- I have time to do other things.

Cons Of Not Talking To Anyone:

- It's too damn quiet.
- I feel lonely. ^_^
- I lose my conversation skills.
- I feel LONELY.

So the remedy is,

SOMEONE SHOULD BLOODY WELL TALK TO ME.

I'm sick and tired of chasing people around and feeling unwanted anyway. It's very disheartening.

That's all,

Jared.

P.S. I know you're angry at me. I said I was sorry God knows how many times already. I don't know what else to say or do. Sorry.

You know where to find me if you want me.

Jared

Call Me Irresponsible

Call me irresponsible,
Call me unreliable,
Throw in undependable too,

Do my foolish alibis bore you?
Well, I'm not too clever,
I, I just adore you,

So call me unpredictable,
Tell me I'm impractical,
Rainbows I'm inclined to pursue

- Michael Buble, Call Me Irresponsible

*****

"You have to try, 'cause if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

- Anthony Hopkins as Bill Parrish, Meet Joe Black

*****

This is a story about a boy. There, an innocuous enough beginning to an innocuous enough story. This boy, was your average teenaged boy with all the hormonal problems and mood swings that come as part of the package. But he was skinny, and didn't play sports, he didn't think the same way other guys thought, and didn't see things the same way either. Maybe it was a byproduct of the way he was brought up, but that was how he was. And while he could revel in it every now and again, deep down he never felt right. He never felt as if he belonged. Not to this particular era, not to this particular world sometimes.

So then, this boy began to lose himself in another world. In the world of books, and roleplaying, and anime. And in this world, his world. He could be whoever he wanted to be, do anything his mind could conceive. He could be a hero, he could be brave, and strong, and powerful and everything he felt he should be. But still, he couldn't live in that world forever, and one day, when he stepped out of it, he found that the real world, the world he had been living in all along, had left him behind, and now more than ever he did not fit in. Indeed, could not fit in.

That didn't stop him however, no not this boy of ours. He took everything he learned from his world. From the world he'd imagined into existence, and tried with all his might to bring it to bear in the world he now found himself stuck in again. But all it did was isolate him further, because the inhabitants of this world could simply not understand him. Where he saw ideals, they saw naivete. Where he saw opportunity, they saw failure. Where he saw strength, they saw worthlessness. Yet he didn't give in, in fact he fought just that much harder to stay true to himself. To the person he knew he was.

And like all good stories, in this one, our boy fell in love. And as luck would have it, he fell in love with the most beautiful girl in the world. (To his eyes at least, because isn't that how everyone sees their partner?) But alas, this girl that he was enamoured of spurned his advances. Not out of spite, or malice, but perhaps out of fear? This didn't deter our boy, though. He kept his love alive, secretly. And admired her from afar in the only way he knew how. He became her friend.

Together they weathered the storms all friends must face, and all the while he kept silent and bottled the feelings he had for her deep within himself, trying to forget. But he could not forget. Slowly his other friends moved away to other parts of the globe to make their own lives. The group he had built around himself to support him began to come apart and crumble, or so he felt. Yet through it all, he held on to his hope, that one day, she would notice him. Then he would belong.

And then, she fell in love. Not with him, no. With another. And it seemed that he would break in two. "Will she try everyone before noticing me?" he wondered. It all but broke him, and he felt that in that moment, he could throw his dreams away and retreat again to that world he had created for himself. His world of fairy-tales. But he could not. While he'd stayed in the real world, he had aged, grown past the point of no return, and no longer could return to his world. He knew it wasn't real, and once you have found that knowledge (as everyone knows) the door to that dreamworld is closed to you forever.

So it came to be that the boy was stuck here, in the world he so hated, unable to retreat, too afraid to advance. Like a ship blown by brutal winds. And here the story ends, for what became of the boy, no one yet knows.

But that was not the end, truly.

It was just the beginning.

*****

I have no idea where that came from. I started writing a metaphorical story, then that stuff just came out. *shrug* People have been telling me to blog. So I did. At least it's semi-well-written, right? Hahaha.

I really can't think of anything else to write, so I'm going to sign off here.

Jared

*****

I find her standing in front of the church,
The only place in town where I didn't search,
She looked so happy in a wedding dress,
But she cried as she was saying this,

"Boy I missed your kisses,
All the time but this is,
Twenty-five minutes too late,
Though you've traveled so far,
I am sorry you are,
Twenty-five minutes too late."

- Michael Learns to Rock, 25 Minutes

Open Your Eyes

Take time to realize,
That I am on your side,
Didn't I tell you?

Take time to realize,
This all can pass you by,
Didn't tell you?

- Colbie Caillat, Realize

*****

You know how they say you never know what you had until you lose it? Mm. What's funny is, sometimes you don't even know you had something, needed something. Until it's gone. I find it hilarious that my source of solace in the past week or so has been my ex-girlfriend. Someone whose reasons for breaking off our relationship I still don't understand. Someone who I tried very hard to hate for a very long time. It's funny how you can't break that bond of love, no matter how hard you try. True, the love changes shape, changes to fit the new sort of relationship, but you can't lose the connection. And to some degree, the dependence.

For those who know who I'm talking about, they'll know. Jern left yesterday. For the United States. And she's not coming back. I'm happy for her. I'm happy that she finally gets to escape like she's wanted to for so long. I'm happy that she's free now, to flourish. To be who she is, to learn what she wants, to feel and grow and just live to the fullest of her potential. To do everything that she couldn't while she was caged here, in the palm of her parents' hand.

But that doesn't make it any easier. Trisha said to me once, "My life is full of 'people always leave' situations." And I can understand that. It does seem that way sometimes. This year, people are going to leave. People I've grown up with, someone who's like a brother to me is going to leave in four days. He'll get his own post. It is easy to begin to think that people always leave. It is really easy to feel alone when someone you've depended on for a long time up and disappears.

I was watching The Crow today. It's Brandon Lee's (Bruce Lee's son) last movie. And it's pretty B-Grade. But at the end, this girl narrates, and she says.

"It's always hard to lose people you love. But you know how not to lose them? You never stop loving them."

I like that. I can do that.

But it doesn't make being left any easier. Trisha wrote in her New Year's Resolutions on her blog, "I will get used to being alone." That's a noble aspiration, to a certain degree I suppose. I've been trying. It's not a natural state for me, I think. I like having people around me. People I care about. I like getting texts from people I care about. And I will text them incessantly. So much so that sometimes, I worry that they tire of me. I know what it's like not to have enough space from a person and start to wish they'd leave you alone.

So I experiment. I don't text anyone. I see who texts me. Because, I don't want to be that annoying attention-whore. And my phone stays silent. Until Ian texts me. Or Jern texts me. And I realize I've misplaced my affections sometimes. Now Jern's gone. And Ian's leaving. And it's gonna be even harder. And truthfully, I hate the thought of it so much that it makes me cry. But I guess I've learned something.

You never lose someone, until you stop loving them. And I'll never stop.

This is for Jern

Jern. My love, my sister, my friend. I miss her already. Yeah, there's emails and stuff. But anyone who's ever had someone they care about leave will tell you, it's just not the same. Not the same as knowing they're there for you at 3am. Not the same as knowing they'll text you when no one else seems to care enough to. Not the same as having them near enough to smile at, or hug, or cry on. No, it's not the same. I know people won't understand. My parents don't understand. I doubt anyone else I know could understand. But in some capacity, I will always love this girl. Because that's what I was made for.

But that's life. Nothing ever stays the same.

In the end, I guess all we can do, is to never stop loving.

Ever.

Jared

*****

You're the one who held me up,
Never let me fall,
You're the one who saw me through,
Through it all,

You were my strength when I was weak,
You were my voice when I couldn't speak,
You were my eyes when I couldn't see,
You saw the best the was in me,
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach,
You gave me faith 'cause you believed,
I'm everything I am,
Because you loved me

- Celine Dion, Because You Loved Me

The Face

I have only one thing to say tonight.

"God's in his heaven, all's right with the world."

This is my face as I forget all the crap that's happened.

I learned a valuable lesson here. If you smile like an idiot? It really helps you be happy. Second best? Is looking at yourself smiling like an idiot.

Today was a Golden Day.

It wasn't a necessarily perfect day. But it was grand all the same. I'm glad I woke up this morning.

Gotta blaze,

Jared

*****

The sun'll come out tomorrow,
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow,
There'll be sun,
Just thinkin' about tomorrow,
Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow,
'Til there's none

- Annie, Tomorrow

Abracadabra

Take this sinking boat,
And point it home,
We've still got time,
Raise your hopeful voice,
You have a choice,
You've made it now

- Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova, Falling Slowly

*****

Ever seen a magician make something disappear so completely that you wonder if it ever existed at all? He makes it look so simple, yet you know there's more behind the trick. Behind the illusion. The screwed up thing is, people think that life works that way. That it's simple like that. But it's not. You can't just say "Abracadabra" and wave your hands and make everything disappear. People do it in their own lives and it's a good thing sometimes. I can dig it. I mean, you can turn on the happy-switch and be happy anytime in anything? Fine by me. Go do that and good for you.

But you can't wave a magic wand at someone else's life. What's so often forgotten, is that people aren't light switches. You can't just turn on the guy's happiness by saying "Stop being emo. Be happy." you can't nag him into being happy. You cannot do anything to make him happy. It's easy to berate a person for being down. It is. It's really easy to lose patience with someone who won't take your advice, who persists in feeling sorry for themselves. It's so easy to go off on them. The thing is, that doesn't really help things, does it? In the end, they'll pretend to be happy. Just for you. Just to get you off their back, just to get everyone else off their back. But the problem isn't gone, is it?

The hard part? Is sticking it out. Is saying "No. I care about you. I love you. And I'm here in whatever capacity you need." Yeah, it's true that sometimes people need a good slap in the face. Sometimes they do need you to put it to them that "Hey, other people have it a lot worse than you." But if we're being honest with each other, how often is that? How often does berating a hurting person make them any happier. How often does nagging a person with an inferiority-complex make them feel any better about themselves? What people need, is solidarity. And something a lot of people don't get is, the people who draw away the most? Are the ones who need you the most.

I've known people to give up on other people because the other person drew away, because they "Couldn't accept help." or "Didn't really want to feel better." Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. WRONG. What people don't see is that the strongest, most plaintive, most needy, desperate cry for help is the silent one. The one where the person hides that part of themself from view behind layers of masks, or "emoness." Think about it. A person who wants to commit suicide, they don't talk about it. They just do it. People who cut themselves don't tell you about it. They just do it. Why should it be any different? People who need you aren't going to say so. Sometimes, I doubt they even know it themselves. They just do. They need you fiercely.

I heard it said once "Smiling faces hide the worst hurts." Or something to that effect. My dad, said it. About me. See, what is hard to grasp for many, is that just because you haven't been through the worst situations in the world. Just because your experiences aren't as bad as that other person's, doesn't mean your wounds are any less deep.

The people I care about, the people I love, should be happy. That's the way I think. That's the way I live. The thing is, that doesn't mean I'm happy. It's easy to over-romanticize the process. It would be easy to say something like "I give and give and give, but then, what do I have left?" But that's not the point. The point is, I don't have a me.

I was talking to someone the other night, and I said "I don't have someone who texts me all the freaking time to check up on me. I don't have someone who is so anal about my happiness that I think they're a psycho." See the people I care about? They have me. Maybe they don't want to talk to me all the time. That's fine, I'm used to that. But when the shit hits the fan, so to speak, I'm here. Here to talk to you at 4:30am even though I went to sleep at 4am. Here to make you laugh when you feel like crying. Here to listen to everything you say and tell you it'll be okay. That's me.

And when my time comes? Who do I got? I've got people who are busy. People who are tired. People who can't stand my emoness. People who are hurting just like I am. People who don't care. People who can't be there. People who jump in with advice before I need it. I'm not complaining. Really. I love my friends. I love them. I would swim the oceans for them. I'd give my life thrice over, move heaven and earth to be there for them.

But I want the record set straight. I'm not an emo person. By nature? I'm not. I'm happy, really, I am. Thing is "Some hurts go to deep, some wounds just won't heal." It's not something you carry around, it's not something you can throw away. It's something that's on you. Like a cut that you keep rubbing salt into. I don't know how else to describe it. It's something, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much of yourself you try to leave behind, no matter how much of yourself you try to give to others, no matter how much of yourself you try to hide, you can't escape it. You can't escape that gaping wide hole that's taken up residence right in the middle of your chest.

The point is, there are things that you just can't let go of. Things that you have to learn to ignore, and live with. This hurt, I've always had it with me. I just used to be better at hiding it. But I can't hide it anymore. It's too big for me.

I'll carry it. I'll carry it even if it kills me.

But just for the record?

I want to disappear.

No one will notice.

Abracadabra.

Jared

*****

Scratching at the surface now,
And I'm trying hard to work it out,
But so much has gone misunderstood,
And this mystery only leads to doubt,

And I didn't understand,
When you reached out to take my hand,
And if you have something to say,
You better say it now,

Cause this is what you've waited for,
Your chance to even up the score,
And as these shadows fall on me now,
I will somehow,

Cause I'm picking up a message, Lord,
And I'm closer than I've ever been before,
So if you have something to say,
Say it to me now

- Glen Hansard, Say It To Me Now

Two-Oh-Oh-Nine

It's 2009. Finally, or more like, so quickly? Haha. I haven't decided yet. When I just sit back and don't think too hard on it, it seems like this year has passed inexplicably quickly. But when I do take time to think about everything that's happened? It seems as if it would never have ended. Indeed, couldn't have ended fast enough for my liking.

A week or so ago Trisha said "At the stroke of twelve, it'll be a new day. And tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be." This time, it will be a new year. A big deal. It's as if a page has been turned and the next page is just coming into focus. There's no way to know what's coming. It's exhilarating, if only because the mere thought of it is so terrifying. But all in all, I don't think I know a single person who isn't glad that the new year is here. Actually, that's a lie. I probably do know them. I just don't know who they are. I suppose what I meant to say was that I didn't know anyone who could look back on this year and not regret a single thing. That's a little harder to debate.

Everyone's going to do it at some point, people are already posting up their New Year's Resolutions and such, so I'll do it before anyone else I know. Before everyone's blog floods with posts about last year, and hopes and dreams for this new year. I'll post mine. A word of warning. This may be my longest post yet.

This year has been insane. In many respects. But it wouldn't do to begin with those, they're the most thrilling to read. Haha. I'll begin with the mundane. It's surprising the things you can learn about yourself in the short span of a year. It's surprising the things you begin to notice, the things you begin to change, the things you begin to want, and need. It's surprising the type of person you can become in the space of one year. I doubt if I spoke to myself, one year younger, he'd tell me he expected to be anything like me. It's true, that circumstances play a huge role in shaping who you are. If you let them, I suppose would be the general argument, but no. Even if you don't. It happens. Whether you like it or not.

In this year. I've become someone I never expected, and honestly, never wanted to be. A neurotic. An obsessive, compulsive neurotic. Circumstances beyond my control helped me along the way. But what I realise is, I was well on the way all on my own. Trisha was berating me for my weakness a couple of nights ago. For the allowances I make for myself when it comes to emotions, in particular, negative ones. What I've come to see is that.

I'm not ready for 2009.

I've not done what I wanted. I've not become who I wanted. I've not gotten where I wanted. And it is, all my fault. My ideals and hopes and dreams. Nothing's happening. Because I haven't been moving. Haven't been growing. (In a positive sense. Sure I've learned a lot from crap experiences, but I'd hardly call that growing.) And so here I sit. In my room. In the dark. In my empty house, and outside the fireworks are going off. And the people are shouting. And I'm in here. Writing this to you, fighting tears. ^_^

I realise. I am exhausted. I'm tired of this life. Sick and tired of it. Tired of counting the years. And I'm nowhere near as excited as I should be for this New Year. There are too many unknowns. Too many variables for me. It's far easier just to be afraid of the hurt that 2009 will bring than to hope for the joy. But I will hope. Later. Right now, I don't want to think about it.

I told someone not so long ago, that to me, New Year's holds no special significance. It's just another day. Just another cycle of 24 hours where, it doesn't matter if you're a good guy, it doesn't matter if you're the most evil guy in the universe. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor or smart or stupid. Just because it's the New Year, doesn't mean the world stops sucking. I'm not being a damp cloth. I'm putting things in perspective. Out of 365 days in the year, what makes the first special? What makes it worth the world's while to stop sucking? Nothing. So yeah, I can appreciate the symbolism of the year turning. I can be happy the 2008 is over and I get a fresh start in 2009. But no, January 1st? Holds no meaning for me. It's just another day.

I didn't always think this way. No, I really didn't, at the end of 2007 I was just as light and hopeful and bright eyed as everyone else. But last year? Wasn't good. And I suppose it just left me slightly jaded. I think I've just come to a point where I'd rather not expend energy hoping. And I'll enjoy the good things when and if they come. I'm sure, years from now, I'll look back on this night and think to myself "How could I have been so depressing?" I can almost see myself thinking that. But right now? It's all real. And I don't feel the promise of 2009.

It's probably odd for someone like me to be writing something like this. It's probably odd that I, I the incessant hyper-freak, the loud one, the one who's always so anal about making sure everyone around him is happy, the one who worries about everyone's happiness; could write something like this. But you know what? After this year? I'm really not looking forward to the next.

It's like, when you reach into a box of chocolate. And get something that you absolutely hate. When you go to reach in again, you aren't exactly jumping with anticipation, and understandably so. That's how I feel. I'm not unhappy that 2009 is here, but I'm not overly happy about it either. One thing I know for certain? Is that I'm relieved 2008 is done with.

2009 is rife with possibilities. I know. At every turn something new crops up. And there's gonna be crappy times. I know. And once in awhile, happy times. Perfectly blissful times. And it's going to sweep by like a gale, and before I know it, it's going to be 2010. But for 2009? I do have a resolution. Not a whole bunch. Just one. Because Lord knows, sticking to one is already hard enough.

So here's my New Year's Resolution.

I'm going to be me no matter what.

To be honest, last year sucked. I hated almost every moment of it. Utterly hated it. There were good times. I'll give it that. But I hated it. Specially the last six months. And I let it change me into something I'm not. This...negative person. This tense person. This neurotic. This paranoid, broken, pathetic little person. And you know what? I'm sick of that too.

So this year? I'm going to be me. And I know that not everyone is going to love me. I know that who I am won't make it easy to just survive in the world the way it is now. But I don't care. I'm beyond caring. I'm going to be me. Because who else can I depend on?

I know that this year?

- I may not get what I want.
- I may not become what I want.
- I may not do what I want.
- I may not win.
- I may not make it.
- I may be hurt.
- I may be upset.
- I may be broken over and over again.

But I also know that. I'm not the only one. There are others who have things they want that will never materialize. People who will hurt far more than I could imagine. And so, for them? I will be me. Because:

- I believe in people
- I believe in honour.
- I believe in love.
- I believe in justice.
- I believe in ME.

I'm reminded of a scene from the movie Love Actually . After this guy professes his love to KeiraKnightley's character. He walks away from her house looking dejected. But as he walks, he straightens up, and says to himself, "Enough now." Then he smiles and walks on. My favourite scene. So right now? I'm going to make that me.

It's enough. 2008 hurt, and it's still hurting. But I've had enough of letting that stupid hurt dictate who I am and what I do. I've had enough of being a victim. I've had enough of compromising left right and center. I've had enough of having hurts piled on me over and over until I lose sight of who I was in the first place. I. Have. Had. Enough.

I'm not ready for 2009. I'm still stinging from 2008. I'm still reeling from a hammerblow, and not ready for the next to land. But you know what? 2009 doesn't care.

So yeah. Bring it on. I'm standing strong this year.

Jared