And point it home,
We've still got time,
Raise your hopeful voice,
You have a choice,
You've made it now
- Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova, Falling Slowly
*****
Ever seen a magician make something disappear so completely that you wonder if it ever existed at all? He makes it look so simple, yet you know there's more behind the trick. Behind the illusion. The screwed up thing is, people think that life works that way. That it's simple like that. But it's not. You can't just say "Abracadabra" and wave your hands and make everything disappear. People do it in their own lives and it's a good thing sometimes. I can dig it. I mean, you can turn on the happy-switch and be happy anytime in anything? Fine by me. Go do that and good for you.
But you can't wave a magic wand at someone else's life. What's so often forgotten, is that people aren't light switches. You can't just turn on the guy's happiness by saying "Stop being emo. Be happy." you can't nag him into being happy. You cannot do anything to make him happy. It's easy to berate a person for being down. It is. It's really easy to lose patience with someone who won't take your advice, who persists in feeling sorry for themselves. It's so easy to go off on them. The thing is, that doesn't really help things, does it? In the end, they'll pretend to be happy. Just for you. Just to get you off their back, just to get everyone else off their back. But the problem isn't gone, is it?
The hard part? Is sticking it out. Is saying "No. I care about you. I love you. And I'm here in whatever capacity you need." Yeah, it's true that sometimes people need a good slap in the face. Sometimes they do need you to put it to them that "Hey, other people have it a lot worse than you." But if we're being honest with each other, how often is that? How often does berating a hurting person make them any happier. How often does nagging a person with an inferiority-complex make them feel any better about themselves? What people need, is solidarity. And something a lot of people don't get is, the people who draw away the most? Are the ones who need you the most.
I've known people to give up on other people because the other person drew away, because they "Couldn't accept help." or "Didn't really want to feel better." Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. WRONG. What people don't see is that the strongest, most plaintive, most needy, desperate cry for help is the silent one. The one where the person hides that part of themself from view behind layers of masks, or "emoness." Think about it. A person who wants to commit suicide, they don't talk about it. They just do it. People who cut themselves don't tell you about it. They just do it. Why should it be any different? People who need you aren't going to say so. Sometimes, I doubt they even know it themselves. They just do. They need you fiercely.
I heard it said once "Smiling faces hide the worst hurts." Or something to that effect. My dad, said it. About me. See, what is hard to grasp for many, is that just because you haven't been through the worst situations in the world. Just because your experiences aren't as bad as that other person's, doesn't mean your wounds are any less deep.
The people I care about, the people I love, should be happy. That's the way I think. That's the way I live. The thing is, that doesn't mean I'm happy. It's easy to over-romanticize the process. It would be easy to say something like "I give and give and give, but then, what do I have left?" But that's not the point. The point is, I don't have a me.
I was talking to someone the other night, and I said "I don't have someone who texts me all the freaking time to check up on me. I don't have someone who is so anal about my happiness that I think they're a psycho." See the people I care about? They have me. Maybe they don't want to talk to me all the time. That's fine, I'm used to that. But when the shit hits the fan, so to speak, I'm here. Here to talk to you at 4:30am even though I went to sleep at 4am. Here to make you laugh when you feel like crying. Here to listen to everything you say and tell you it'll be okay. That's me.
And when my time comes? Who do I got? I've got people who are busy. People who are tired. People who can't stand my emoness. People who are hurting just like I am. People who don't care. People who can't be there. People who jump in with advice before I need it. I'm not complaining. Really. I love my friends. I love them. I would swim the oceans for them. I'd give my life thrice over, move heaven and earth to be there for them.
But I want the record set straight. I'm not an emo person. By nature? I'm not. I'm happy, really, I am. Thing is "Some hurts go to deep, some wounds just won't heal." It's not something you carry around, it's not something you can throw away. It's something that's on you. Like a cut that you keep rubbing salt into. I don't know how else to describe it. It's something, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much of yourself you try to leave behind, no matter how much of yourself you try to give to others, no matter how much of yourself you try to hide, you can't escape it. You can't escape that gaping wide hole that's taken up residence right in the middle of your chest.
The point is, there are things that you just can't let go of. Things that you have to learn to ignore, and live with. This hurt, I've always had it with me. I just used to be better at hiding it. But I can't hide it anymore. It's too big for me.
I'll carry it. I'll carry it even if it kills me.
But just for the record?
I want to disappear.
No one will notice.
Abracadabra.
Jared
But you can't wave a magic wand at someone else's life. What's so often forgotten, is that people aren't light switches. You can't just turn on the guy's happiness by saying "Stop being emo. Be happy." you can't nag him into being happy. You cannot do anything to make him happy. It's easy to berate a person for being down. It is. It's really easy to lose patience with someone who won't take your advice, who persists in feeling sorry for themselves. It's so easy to go off on them. The thing is, that doesn't really help things, does it? In the end, they'll pretend to be happy. Just for you. Just to get you off their back, just to get everyone else off their back. But the problem isn't gone, is it?
The hard part? Is sticking it out. Is saying "No. I care about you. I love you. And I'm here in whatever capacity you need." Yeah, it's true that sometimes people need a good slap in the face. Sometimes they do need you to put it to them that "Hey, other people have it a lot worse than you." But if we're being honest with each other, how often is that? How often does berating a hurting person make them any happier. How often does nagging a person with an inferiority-complex make them feel any better about themselves? What people need, is solidarity. And something a lot of people don't get is, the people who draw away the most? Are the ones who need you the most.
I've known people to give up on other people because the other person drew away, because they "Couldn't accept help." or "Didn't really want to feel better." Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. WRONG. What people don't see is that the strongest, most plaintive, most needy, desperate cry for help is the silent one. The one where the person hides that part of themself from view behind layers of masks, or "emoness." Think about it. A person who wants to commit suicide, they don't talk about it. They just do it. People who cut themselves don't tell you about it. They just do it. Why should it be any different? People who need you aren't going to say so. Sometimes, I doubt they even know it themselves. They just do. They need you fiercely.
I heard it said once "Smiling faces hide the worst hurts." Or something to that effect. My dad, said it. About me. See, what is hard to grasp for many, is that just because you haven't been through the worst situations in the world. Just because your experiences aren't as bad as that other person's, doesn't mean your wounds are any less deep.
The people I care about, the people I love, should be happy. That's the way I think. That's the way I live. The thing is, that doesn't mean I'm happy. It's easy to over-romanticize the process. It would be easy to say something like "I give and give and give, but then, what do I have left?" But that's not the point. The point is, I don't have a me.
I was talking to someone the other night, and I said "I don't have someone who texts me all the freaking time to check up on me. I don't have someone who is so anal about my happiness that I think they're a psycho." See the people I care about? They have me. Maybe they don't want to talk to me all the time. That's fine, I'm used to that. But when the shit hits the fan, so to speak, I'm here. Here to talk to you at 4:30am even though I went to sleep at 4am. Here to make you laugh when you feel like crying. Here to listen to everything you say and tell you it'll be okay. That's me.
And when my time comes? Who do I got? I've got people who are busy. People who are tired. People who can't stand my emoness. People who are hurting just like I am. People who don't care. People who can't be there. People who jump in with advice before I need it. I'm not complaining. Really. I love my friends. I love them. I would swim the oceans for them. I'd give my life thrice over, move heaven and earth to be there for them.
But I want the record set straight. I'm not an emo person. By nature? I'm not. I'm happy, really, I am. Thing is "Some hurts go to deep, some wounds just won't heal." It's not something you carry around, it's not something you can throw away. It's something that's on you. Like a cut that you keep rubbing salt into. I don't know how else to describe it. It's something, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much of yourself you try to leave behind, no matter how much of yourself you try to give to others, no matter how much of yourself you try to hide, you can't escape it. You can't escape that gaping wide hole that's taken up residence right in the middle of your chest.
The point is, there are things that you just can't let go of. Things that you have to learn to ignore, and live with. This hurt, I've always had it with me. I just used to be better at hiding it. But I can't hide it anymore. It's too big for me.
I'll carry it. I'll carry it even if it kills me.
But just for the record?
I want to disappear.
No one will notice.
Abracadabra.
Jared
*****
Scratching at the surface now,
And I'm trying hard to work it out,
But so much has gone misunderstood,
And this mystery only leads to doubt,
And I didn't understand,
When you reached out to take my hand,
And if you have something to say,
You better say it now,
Cause this is what you've waited for,
Your chance to even up the score,
And as these shadows fall on me now,
I will somehow,
Cause I'm picking up a message, Lord,
And I'm closer than I've ever been before,
So if you have something to say,
Say it to me now
- Glen Hansard, Say It To Me Now
1 comment:
If you disappear? People WILL notice.
There will be a sudden silence in the room :P
You know, you write real scary stuff. haha
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