It's 2009. Finally, or more like, so quickly? Haha. I haven't decided yet. When I just sit back and don't think too hard on it, it seems like this year has passed inexplicably quickly. But when I do take time to think about everything that's happened? It seems as if it would never have ended. Indeed, couldn't have ended fast enough for my liking.
A week or so ago Trisha said "At the stroke of twelve, it'll be a new day. And tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be." This time, it will be a new year. A big deal. It's as if a page has been turned and the next page is just coming into focus. There's no way to know what's coming. It's exhilarating, if only because the mere thought of it is so terrifying. But all in all, I don't think I know a single person who isn't glad that the new year is here. Actually, that's a lie. I probably do know them. I just don't know who they are. I suppose what I meant to say was that I didn't know anyone who could look back on this year and not regret a single thing. That's a little harder to debate.
Everyone's going to do it at some point, people are already posting up their New Year's Resolutions and such, so I'll do it before anyone else I know. Before everyone's blog floods with posts about last year, and hopes and dreams for this new year. I'll post mine. A word of warning. This may be my longest post yet.
This year has been insane. In many respects. But it wouldn't do to begin with those, they're the most thrilling to read. Haha. I'll begin with the mundane. It's surprising the things you can learn about yourself in the short span of a year. It's surprising the things you begin to notice, the things you begin to change, the things you begin to want, and need. It's surprising the type of person you can become in the space of one year. I doubt if I spoke to myself, one year younger, he'd tell me he expected to be anything like me. It's true, that circumstances play a huge role in shaping who you are. If you let them, I suppose would be the general argument, but no. Even if you don't. It happens. Whether you like it or not.
In this year. I've become someone I never expected, and honestly, never wanted to be. A neurotic. An obsessive, compulsive neurotic. Circumstances beyond my control helped me along the way. But what I realise is, I was well on the way all on my own. Trisha was berating me for my weakness a couple of nights ago. For the allowances I make for myself when it comes to emotions, in particular, negative ones. What I've come to see is that.
I'm not ready for 2009.
I've not done what I wanted. I've not become who I wanted. I've not gotten where I wanted. And it is, all my fault. My ideals and hopes and dreams. Nothing's happening. Because I haven't been moving. Haven't been growing. (In a positive sense. Sure I've learned a lot from crap experiences, but I'd hardly call that growing.) And so here I sit. In my room. In the dark. In my empty house, and outside the fireworks are going off. And the people are shouting. And I'm in here. Writing this to you, fighting tears. ^_^
I realise. I am exhausted. I'm tired of this life. Sick and tired of it. Tired of counting the years. And I'm nowhere near as excited as I should be for this New Year. There are too many unknowns. Too many variables for me. It's far easier just to be afraid of the hurt that 2009 will bring than to hope for the joy. But I will hope. Later. Right now, I don't want to think about it.
I told someone not so long ago, that to me, New Year's holds no special significance. It's just another day. Just another cycle of 24 hours where, it doesn't matter if you're a good guy, it doesn't matter if you're the most evil guy in the universe. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor or smart or stupid. Just because it's the New Year, doesn't mean the world stops sucking. I'm not being a damp cloth. I'm putting things in perspective. Out of 365 days in the year, what makes the first special? What makes it worth the world's while to stop sucking? Nothing. So yeah, I can appreciate the symbolism of the year turning. I can be happy the 2008 is over and I get a fresh start in 2009. But no, January 1st? Holds no meaning for me. It's just another day.
I didn't always think this way. No, I really didn't, at the end of 2007 I was just as light and hopeful and bright eyed as everyone else. But last year? Wasn't good. And I suppose it just left me slightly jaded. I think I've just come to a point where I'd rather not expend energy hoping. And I'll enjoy the good things when and if they come. I'm sure, years from now, I'll look back on this night and think to myself "How could I have been so depressing?" I can almost see myself thinking that. But right now? It's all real. And I don't feel the promise of 2009.
It's probably odd for someone like me to be writing something like this. It's probably odd that I, I the incessant hyper-freak, the loud one, the one who's always so anal about making sure everyone around him is happy, the one who worries about everyone's happiness; could write something like this. But you know what? After this year? I'm really not looking forward to the next.
It's like, when you reach into a box of chocolate. And get something that you absolutely hate. When you go to reach in again, you aren't exactly jumping with anticipation, and understandably so. That's how I feel. I'm not unhappy that 2009 is here, but I'm not overly happy about it either. One thing I know for certain? Is that I'm relieved 2008 is done with.
2009 is rife with possibilities. I know. At every turn something new crops up. And there's gonna be crappy times. I know. And once in awhile, happy times. Perfectly blissful times. And it's going to sweep by like a gale, and before I know it, it's going to be 2010. But for 2009? I do have a resolution. Not a whole bunch. Just one. Because Lord knows, sticking to one is already hard enough.
So here's my New Year's Resolution.
I'm going to be me no matter what.
To be honest, last year sucked. I hated almost every moment of it. Utterly hated it. There were good times. I'll give it that. But I hated it. Specially the last six months. And I let it change me into something I'm not. This...negative person. This tense person. This neurotic. This paranoid, broken, pathetic little person. And you know what? I'm sick of that too.
So this year? I'm going to be me. And I know that not everyone is going to love me. I know that who I am won't make it easy to just survive in the world the way it is now. But I don't care. I'm beyond caring. I'm going to be me. Because who else can I depend on?
I know that this year?
- I may not get what I want.
- I may not become what I want.
- I may not do what I want.
- I may not win.
- I may not make it.
- I may be hurt.
- I may be upset.
- I may be broken over and over again.
But I also know that. I'm not the only one. There are others who have things they want that will never materialize. People who will hurt far more than I could imagine. And so, for them? I will be me. Because:
- I believe in people
- I believe in honour.
- I believe in love.
- I believe in justice.
- I believe in ME.
I'm reminded of a scene from the movie Love Actually . After this guy professes his love to KeiraKnightley's character. He walks away from her house looking dejected. But as he walks, he straightens up, and says to himself, "Enough now." Then he smiles and walks on. My favourite scene. So right now? I'm going to make that me.
It's enough. 2008 hurt, and it's still hurting. But I've had enough of letting that stupid hurt dictate who I am and what I do. I've had enough of being a victim. I've had enough of compromising left right and center. I've had enough of having hurts piled on me over and over until I lose sight of who I was in the first place. I. Have. Had. Enough.
I'm not ready for 2009. I'm still stinging from 2008. I'm still reeling from a hammerblow, and not ready for the next to land. But you know what? 2009 doesn't care.
So yeah. Bring it on. I'm standing strong this year.
Jared
A week or so ago Trisha said "At the stroke of twelve, it'll be a new day. And tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be." This time, it will be a new year. A big deal. It's as if a page has been turned and the next page is just coming into focus. There's no way to know what's coming. It's exhilarating, if only because the mere thought of it is so terrifying. But all in all, I don't think I know a single person who isn't glad that the new year is here. Actually, that's a lie. I probably do know them. I just don't know who they are. I suppose what I meant to say was that I didn't know anyone who could look back on this year and not regret a single thing. That's a little harder to debate.
Everyone's going to do it at some point, people are already posting up their New Year's Resolutions and such, so I'll do it before anyone else I know. Before everyone's blog floods with posts about last year, and hopes and dreams for this new year. I'll post mine. A word of warning. This may be my longest post yet.
This year has been insane. In many respects. But it wouldn't do to begin with those, they're the most thrilling to read. Haha. I'll begin with the mundane. It's surprising the things you can learn about yourself in the short span of a year. It's surprising the things you begin to notice, the things you begin to change, the things you begin to want, and need. It's surprising the type of person you can become in the space of one year. I doubt if I spoke to myself, one year younger, he'd tell me he expected to be anything like me. It's true, that circumstances play a huge role in shaping who you are. If you let them, I suppose would be the general argument, but no. Even if you don't. It happens. Whether you like it or not.
In this year. I've become someone I never expected, and honestly, never wanted to be. A neurotic. An obsessive, compulsive neurotic. Circumstances beyond my control helped me along the way. But what I realise is, I was well on the way all on my own. Trisha was berating me for my weakness a couple of nights ago. For the allowances I make for myself when it comes to emotions, in particular, negative ones. What I've come to see is that.
I'm not ready for 2009.
I've not done what I wanted. I've not become who I wanted. I've not gotten where I wanted. And it is, all my fault. My ideals and hopes and dreams. Nothing's happening. Because I haven't been moving. Haven't been growing. (In a positive sense. Sure I've learned a lot from crap experiences, but I'd hardly call that growing.) And so here I sit. In my room. In the dark. In my empty house, and outside the fireworks are going off. And the people are shouting. And I'm in here. Writing this to you, fighting tears. ^_^
I realise. I am exhausted. I'm tired of this life. Sick and tired of it. Tired of counting the years. And I'm nowhere near as excited as I should be for this New Year. There are too many unknowns. Too many variables for me. It's far easier just to be afraid of the hurt that 2009 will bring than to hope for the joy. But I will hope. Later. Right now, I don't want to think about it.
I told someone not so long ago, that to me, New Year's holds no special significance. It's just another day. Just another cycle of 24 hours where, it doesn't matter if you're a good guy, it doesn't matter if you're the most evil guy in the universe. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor or smart or stupid. Just because it's the New Year, doesn't mean the world stops sucking. I'm not being a damp cloth. I'm putting things in perspective. Out of 365 days in the year, what makes the first special? What makes it worth the world's while to stop sucking? Nothing. So yeah, I can appreciate the symbolism of the year turning. I can be happy the 2008 is over and I get a fresh start in 2009. But no, January 1st? Holds no meaning for me. It's just another day.
I didn't always think this way. No, I really didn't, at the end of 2007 I was just as light and hopeful and bright eyed as everyone else. But last year? Wasn't good. And I suppose it just left me slightly jaded. I think I've just come to a point where I'd rather not expend energy hoping. And I'll enjoy the good things when and if they come. I'm sure, years from now, I'll look back on this night and think to myself "How could I have been so depressing?" I can almost see myself thinking that. But right now? It's all real. And I don't feel the promise of 2009.
It's probably odd for someone like me to be writing something like this. It's probably odd that I, I the incessant hyper-freak, the loud one, the one who's always so anal about making sure everyone around him is happy, the one who worries about everyone's happiness; could write something like this. But you know what? After this year? I'm really not looking forward to the next.
It's like, when you reach into a box of chocolate. And get something that you absolutely hate. When you go to reach in again, you aren't exactly jumping with anticipation, and understandably so. That's how I feel. I'm not unhappy that 2009 is here, but I'm not overly happy about it either. One thing I know for certain? Is that I'm relieved 2008 is done with.
2009 is rife with possibilities. I know. At every turn something new crops up. And there's gonna be crappy times. I know. And once in awhile, happy times. Perfectly blissful times. And it's going to sweep by like a gale, and before I know it, it's going to be 2010. But for 2009? I do have a resolution. Not a whole bunch. Just one. Because Lord knows, sticking to one is already hard enough.
So here's my New Year's Resolution.
I'm going to be me no matter what.
To be honest, last year sucked. I hated almost every moment of it. Utterly hated it. There were good times. I'll give it that. But I hated it. Specially the last six months. And I let it change me into something I'm not. This...negative person. This tense person. This neurotic. This paranoid, broken, pathetic little person. And you know what? I'm sick of that too.
So this year? I'm going to be me. And I know that not everyone is going to love me. I know that who I am won't make it easy to just survive in the world the way it is now. But I don't care. I'm beyond caring. I'm going to be me. Because who else can I depend on?
I know that this year?
- I may not get what I want.
- I may not become what I want.
- I may not do what I want.
- I may not win.
- I may not make it.
- I may be hurt.
- I may be upset.
- I may be broken over and over again.
But I also know that. I'm not the only one. There are others who have things they want that will never materialize. People who will hurt far more than I could imagine. And so, for them? I will be me. Because:
- I believe in people
- I believe in honour.
- I believe in love.
- I believe in justice.
- I believe in ME.
I'm reminded of a scene from the movie Love Actually . After this guy professes his love to KeiraKnightley's character. He walks away from her house looking dejected. But as he walks, he straightens up, and says to himself, "Enough now." Then he smiles and walks on. My favourite scene. So right now? I'm going to make that me.
It's enough. 2008 hurt, and it's still hurting. But I've had enough of letting that stupid hurt dictate who I am and what I do. I've had enough of being a victim. I've had enough of compromising left right and center. I've had enough of having hurts piled on me over and over until I lose sight of who I was in the first place. I. Have. Had. Enough.
I'm not ready for 2009. I'm still stinging from 2008. I'm still reeling from a hammerblow, and not ready for the next to land. But you know what? 2009 doesn't care.
So yeah. Bring it on. I'm standing strong this year.
Jared
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