Open Your Eyes

Take time to realize,
That I am on your side,
Didn't I tell you?

Take time to realize,
This all can pass you by,
Didn't tell you?

- Colbie Caillat, Realize

*****

You know how they say you never know what you had until you lose it? Mm. What's funny is, sometimes you don't even know you had something, needed something. Until it's gone. I find it hilarious that my source of solace in the past week or so has been my ex-girlfriend. Someone whose reasons for breaking off our relationship I still don't understand. Someone who I tried very hard to hate for a very long time. It's funny how you can't break that bond of love, no matter how hard you try. True, the love changes shape, changes to fit the new sort of relationship, but you can't lose the connection. And to some degree, the dependence.

For those who know who I'm talking about, they'll know. Jern left yesterday. For the United States. And she's not coming back. I'm happy for her. I'm happy that she finally gets to escape like she's wanted to for so long. I'm happy that she's free now, to flourish. To be who she is, to learn what she wants, to feel and grow and just live to the fullest of her potential. To do everything that she couldn't while she was caged here, in the palm of her parents' hand.

But that doesn't make it any easier. Trisha said to me once, "My life is full of 'people always leave' situations." And I can understand that. It does seem that way sometimes. This year, people are going to leave. People I've grown up with, someone who's like a brother to me is going to leave in four days. He'll get his own post. It is easy to begin to think that people always leave. It is really easy to feel alone when someone you've depended on for a long time up and disappears.

I was watching The Crow today. It's Brandon Lee's (Bruce Lee's son) last movie. And it's pretty B-Grade. But at the end, this girl narrates, and she says.

"It's always hard to lose people you love. But you know how not to lose them? You never stop loving them."

I like that. I can do that.

But it doesn't make being left any easier. Trisha wrote in her New Year's Resolutions on her blog, "I will get used to being alone." That's a noble aspiration, to a certain degree I suppose. I've been trying. It's not a natural state for me, I think. I like having people around me. People I care about. I like getting texts from people I care about. And I will text them incessantly. So much so that sometimes, I worry that they tire of me. I know what it's like not to have enough space from a person and start to wish they'd leave you alone.

So I experiment. I don't text anyone. I see who texts me. Because, I don't want to be that annoying attention-whore. And my phone stays silent. Until Ian texts me. Or Jern texts me. And I realize I've misplaced my affections sometimes. Now Jern's gone. And Ian's leaving. And it's gonna be even harder. And truthfully, I hate the thought of it so much that it makes me cry. But I guess I've learned something.

You never lose someone, until you stop loving them. And I'll never stop.

This is for Jern

Jern. My love, my sister, my friend. I miss her already. Yeah, there's emails and stuff. But anyone who's ever had someone they care about leave will tell you, it's just not the same. Not the same as knowing they're there for you at 3am. Not the same as knowing they'll text you when no one else seems to care enough to. Not the same as having them near enough to smile at, or hug, or cry on. No, it's not the same. I know people won't understand. My parents don't understand. I doubt anyone else I know could understand. But in some capacity, I will always love this girl. Because that's what I was made for.

But that's life. Nothing ever stays the same.

In the end, I guess all we can do, is to never stop loving.

Ever.

Jared

*****

You're the one who held me up,
Never let me fall,
You're the one who saw me through,
Through it all,

You were my strength when I was weak,
You were my voice when I couldn't speak,
You were my eyes when I couldn't see,
You saw the best the was in me,
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach,
You gave me faith 'cause you believed,
I'm everything I am,
Because you loved me

- Celine Dion, Because You Loved Me