In The Dark Of The Night

"Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."

- Stephen King

*****

People get emotional in the night. Maybe it's that primal fear that every human being holds for the darkness. You don't know what's out there, waiting for you. Or maybe it's that, at the end of the day, we're winding down, tired and worn from whatever it was we happened to do (or not do) during the day. Whatever the reason, the night is the time when all our fears, all our anxieties and insecurities make themselves manifest in our minds and in our hearts. In the darkness of our rooms, behind our closed doors, that is when the loneliness sets in. That is when we have a few moments' peace, a few moments of complete and utter solitude before we fall asleep, and in that quiet, our minds work.

That's something I've always noted about myself at the very least, it's at night that everything seems to fall away and I'm left there with just myself and my thoughts. In recent years my thoughts have been...a little more fearful than before I'd suppose. When I was much younger I used to be afraid of dying. I didn't know how I was going to die, or where I was going when I did. I didn't know if it would hurt, or if there was anything after death. And I was terrified, I'd cower in a corner of my bed and cry, and some nights, when it got really bad, I'd pad over to my parents' room and crawl into bed with them.

I find that as you get older, everything grows with you. Your wants. Your dreams. Your desires. Your fears. I found that as I grew, I found something much bigger to fear than death. It's called life. Life is far more frightening than death. I know where I'm going, or at least, I believe I do, so there's nothing scary about death anymore. Life has so much more that I'm uncertain of, and any man fears uncertainty, no? There are a myriad of things that I have no assurances of. I have no assurance that'll I'll be good in my chosen field. I have no assurance that I'll actually find a girl to marry. I have no assurances that I'll make all the money I want to and get all the things I've wanted. There are no assurances in life, and that's one of the scariest things of all.

But it's not the fear that gets to me in the night. Not anymore. I'm used to the fear, I'm used to choking it down deep in my gut and ignoring it. I'm used to pushing past it and pretending that I'm not at all afraid, that I've got it all under control and I know what I'm doing. I do that, because I hope that if I pretend for long enough, one day all those things about myself will be true. But no, it isn't the fear that gets me. Not anymore, I'm used to the fear and I'm learning, step by step, to move past it.

But there are a great many things that rear their ugly heads in the night aren't there? As teenagers, I know the great monster that so many of us fight. I know his name, and I know what he does, and I know that everyone battles him at some point. This monster is called loneliness. In the past two weeks I've spoken with a few of my friends about it, and in the years I've spent on this earth, I've lost count of the number of times it's come up in conversation, not to mention the number of times I've wrestled with it.

Loneliness is the thing that makes our insides twist themselves into tight knots, it's the thing that squeezes at our hearts and makes it feel like we're going to burst. Loneliness is the thing that makes us curl up close to our pillows in the middle of the night, shut our eyes tight and try to imagine someone who loves us is in our arms, someone beautiful and perfect, and warm. And it's so much worse at certain times isn't it? At times when there's nothing to do. At times when we're afraid of something and we need some support. At times like this, when Christmas is around the corner, and having someone 'special' to share it with would make everything so much sweeter. I know that feeling. I know it all to well. It's a feeling I carry with me every moment of every day. For the past two years.

Loneliness doesn't care if you have a myriad of friends who love you. Loneliness doesn't care if you're the most popular kid in school. Loneliness doesn't care if your family is wonderful or if you're real strong emotionally. Loneliness simply doesn't care. It doesn't discriminate, it strikes when it wants, and sometimes the sting doesn't fade, not until it strikes again, making the hurt or the anxiety seem perpetual.

I was talking to a friend of mine earlier tonight, and I said to her "I'm used to being alone. I have been for two years now." At first glance, I'm being an ingrate. To the parents who love me, and the friends who do their best to support me. And I know that on some level, yes, I am being ungrateful, and yes, they do deserve much much better. But that's the thing about loneliness, remember? You feel alone regardless, and many many many times during these past two years, I've felt alone. Mostly when I'm by myself, in my room, after dark. When all the world around me is quiet and the gears in my brain begin to turn and I start to think and hope and dream and regret. That's when it get loneliest. At night. It can hurt too, so bad that I need to wrap my arms around my knees, bury my head under the blankets and squeeze my eyes shut as I go "lalalalalalalalalala" in my head to stop the bad thoughts.

That's the thing about being human though, isn't it? We can adapt to any situation. We change and learn and evolve just so we can survive. In my case, I know what's happened to me. Or at least, I think I do. I do it to all things that hurt me. I tell my friends this all the time. Embrace it. Don't like a name people call you? Embrace it, accept it into yourself, take away its power to hurt you. Make it a part of you. That's what I've done with loneliness. I think, in some way, I've allowed this monster that I fight, define me. It's a part of my life, feeling lonely. I've always seen myself apart from others. Different. Strange. Not fitting in.

It used to hurt a lot more. But recently I find that... it doesn't. I just don't care. I wonder if that means I've grown up just a little, that I handle it better than before. That loneliness has lost some of its hold over me, or if I've just given up. If I've just accepted that this is all there is to life, being lonely and carrying that burden around with me the rest of my days. It's all very romantic to think about, being alone. Being misunderstood, standing apart.

But what I think it all boils down to, is that everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to feel loved. There's a part of themselves they want to give away, and specially at times like Christmas, a season of giving, they want to give that part of themselves. And when they find that there isn't anyone to receive it at the moment, it gets lonely. There's a part of me that wants that. That wants to give itself to another person, to love them, and pamper them, and protect them and smother them with my affections. That's the part of me that dreams of a beauty to fight for, a damsel in distress to rescue. The part of me that builds himself cloud castles in the sky and wishes on shooting stars.

I left that part of me behind for a long time. Didn't want to carry it. Thought not feeling it. Not wanting it, no bothering about it would make me stronger. I thought that if I didn't love, that I wouldn't get hurt. Two years I lived like that. Because I was afraid of feeling alone. Because loneliness hurts oh, so much.

But hey, it's Christmastime.

So I'll give myself a present. I guess I'll pick that part of myself up again, dust it off, and set it back in its place of honour somewhere inside of my. I know it's going to hurt like hell. I know that I never really stopped being lonely, I just accepted loneliness as a fact of life. That isn't the way we were made, I don't think. Not to be alone. Not to fumble through life blind with no one to take our hand and lead us to light.

I think it's time to give myself a present. I'll let myself hope, and dream again. I'll let myself want again and want fiercely enough to fight and go for what I want. I think I've healed enough, stored up enough strength, and learned enough lessons to be ready to do that. At least I hope I have. Either way, it's time to stop going it alone. It's time I stop trying to be the wounded veteran, old and battle hardened, world weary and full of experience.

What can I say about these past two years? Only this:

I loved.

I lost.

I hurt.

I broke.

I grieved.

I fought.

I stumbled.

I fell.

I was defeated.

I gave up.

I learned.

There comes a time though. When you've learned all you can about a certain area. I know all I will ever need to know about being alone. I think it's time I learned more about what it's like to walk together.

That's probably the best present I could give myself at this point in time.

After all, it's Christmas.

Merry Christmas guys,

Jared

*****

"Loneliness is the first thing which God's eye named, not good."

- John Milton

Doubt vs. Faith

From yesterday, it's coming!
From yesterday, the fear!
From yesterday, it calls him,
But he doesn't want to read the message here

- 30 Seconds to Mars, From Yesterday

*****

Doubt is one of the most human emotions to experience. If it's an emotion that is. It seems to be an in-built part of of nature to question - well pretty much everything, really. From the moment we wake up to the moment we go back to bed, there probably isn't a moment in the day when our minds aren't constantly questioning some facet of our existence. Now of course, some of those facets are mundane, like "Should I get out of bed or sleep in for five more minutes?" but we question them anyway. We worry and over-analyse and use up an incredible amount of neurosis on this practice, and for what we aren't really sure.

That's the thing about doubting, isn't it? About questioning. There are never really an answers. I know I doubt. I'm full of doubt. Maybe more full of doubt than others because I've always been a more cerebral being. I live in my head a lot. I like logic and sound reasoning and facts (then again, I've proven to be a rather emotional being too, huh. Maybe doubt is a combination?) I try to have faith because you know, "Blessed are those who have not seen and still believe." But it's hard sometimes. Not just to have faith in God, but to have faith in myself, and the world, and my friends.

I doubt.

That is an integral part of my personality. I question and I worry. I wonder if I've really got what it takes to make it in the career path I desire for myself. I wonder despite myself and despite everything, whether or not there really is a God, and if there isn't, then is this really all there is? Worrying and being anxious until the day I die, only to cease to exist? Is it all for nothing? But there are never any answers. No matter how much time I spend in my head, no matter how long I worry, there are never any answers. Nothing concrete, no set plan that I can look at so I can know all my steps ahead of time.

"A man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." I wonder a lot of the time if I'm actually going anywhere. God's word, walking with God has been likened to being surrounded by the dark, having just enough light to see the next step you need to take, and the next, and then the next. You can only ever see the next step. You can't see the big picture, you have to trust that the light you follow isn't leading you off the edge of a cliff, or into a lion's den. You have to trust that if you just keep walking, keep following that light, that someday, someday the light is going to explode into brilliance and show you the glorious panorama that its been leading you toward all your life.

That's what faith is, I suppose.

Trust.

I guess it's learning to trust yourself, despite the failings you know you possess, despite the fact that you don't know whether you're strong enough to reach your goals or not. I guess it's learning to trust in God, despite the fact that you've never seen him or touched him, despite the fact that you have no idea where that light may be leading you. That's the nature of faith, I suppose. The nature of trust.

I was watching this new series I've become hooked on lately. It's called Battlestar Galactica. Very awesome. But in this series, one of the main characters is Admiral Adama, and in the middle of season two, he's shot twice in the chest by a person who he trusted like a daughter. This person it turns out, was a sleeper agent who was activated and programmed to kill him. A long time later, this person is let out of the brig after swearing her loyalties to Adama again. She's reinstated as an officer and entrusted with a very important mission. This is the scene that got me the most. As she was stepping on board her fighter, she turns to the Admiral and says:

"How do you know you can trust me? How do you know I won't turn on you again?"

He replies, "I don't. But that's what trust is."

That's what trust is. That's what faith is. It's believing and hoping. And praying that you aren't wrong about it all.

I think human beings are complicated creatures. I know I am. I'm cowardly but inside me, there's something fierce, I can feel it. I have doubts and worries, but at the same time I choose to believe that there is a God and that He loves me. I think a lot, I logic things out, I reason, but I'm an emotional being, I act irrationally I get angry or upset and my logic and reasoning goes out the window.

To be human is to be a paradox. It's never being just one thing. And I think that's the thing that confuses us the most, the thing that makes us doubt. Deep down, we know ourselves. We know that in our core, is something little and dark and mean, something both frightened and frightening, fearful yet angry, something that's biting and clawing and screaming as it tries to get out. Truthfully, sometimes it does get out. Sometimes I get so angry I can literally feel it rising up in my chest, choking me. Sometimes I get so upset I can feel that hand around my heart, squeezing until I feel like it'll burst. Sometimes, I get jealous and fearful, sometimes I covet and I envy and I hate. Those are the things it's easiest to dwell on, aren't they? The things that make us small. The things that make us stop and think, "Hey...if I'm this way, how can I ever reach that goal? How could God love me? How could that girl like me if she knew what I was really like? How could I ever succeed?"

I don't know the answers to that. I really don't. Despite all my doubting and worrying, I'm no closer to any of those answers. All I can do is trust, trust in myself and trust that God knew what he was doing when he made me and planned my life. All I can do is trust that there is some reason for my being here. That there are "plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future."

Here's the thing about paradoxes though. There are always two sides to them. That's why they're called paradoxes, because they're two things that are completely contrary to each other, co-existing in a single entity. So yes, sometimes I get angry. But sometimes, I temper that anger with...well I don't know what it is exactly, but I know I want to be better than that. To rise above that. Sometimes I'm jealous, but I temper that with love, I want my friends and my family to succeed and to have everything they dream of. Yes sometimes I get so upset it physically hurts, but sometimes I'm so jubilant I feel like I'm floating seven feet off the ground. And sometimes I'm afraid - scratch that - a lot of the time I'm afraid. But you know what? Sometimes I'm brave too. Sometimes, I don't give half a damn what anyone thinks about me or what I want to do, I just do it. Sometimes, I don't give half a damn whether I fail or not, as long as I try. Sometimes, I feel like I can do anything.

Some might say I'm ruled by emotion. That's probably true, in part. Everyone is. Everyone. Some control their emotions better, and I'm not going to say whether that's a good or bad thing because I don't know.

But I'm okay with that now. I'm okay with not knowing. I'm okay with just believing and hoping that everything I've done up to this point wasn't in vain. I'm okay with that. Because that's what faith is, it's believing even though you doubt. It's believing, even though you know how weak and cowardly you may be. It's believing, even though you can't know for sure if God is real until you die. It's believing that those little things you feel, those urgings and little hints that seem to direct your life are the work of a higher power and not just your mind working at more than its prescribed 10% limit. Doubt defines faith. One without the other wouldn't mean anything. See? Paradox?

So do I have any answers now? Nope.

Am I any less afraid than I was before? Nope.

Am I any less angry? Nope.

Any less small and mean deep down? Nope.

Do I know definitively that God exists? Nope.

But the real question is. Do I still believe? Do I still hope despite those things I know about myself and those things I don't know about God and life and girls and rocket science?

Answer? Yes.

Because that's just what faith is.

Jared

*****

But in the meantime we've got it hard,
Second floor living without a yard,
It may be years until the day,
My dreams will match up with my pay,

I got a girl to stick it out,
And make a home from a rented house oh,
And we'll collect the moments one by one,
I guess that's how the future's done oh

- Feist, Mushaboom

H.A.L.T.

Can you grow flowers in the plain old dirt?
Can you get back up when you're feeling hurt?
When life doesn't meet you great expectations?

Can you turn lemons in lemonade?
Can you face the dark when you feel afraid?
When life doesn't meet your great expectations?

- Ali Slaight, Great Expectations

*****

H.A.L.T. is a self examination tool. It stands for:

• Hungry
• Angry
• Lonely
• Tired

Basically it's a way of examining why you're feeling the way you feel. And usually the way you're feeling is like crap. If not I guess you wouldn't be examining it? I don't think I've ever stopped in the middle of laughing and thought "Wait a sec... why am I so happy?" It's just not something that needs questioning. Maybe some people do it, but I suppose I'm not quite as pessimistic or paranoid as all that. I usually just accept the happiness.

But I wasn't talking about happiness - on a random note, never ever start a sentence with the word but, it's just bad writing form; but since no one is reviewing the grammatical correctness of my blog, I don't care. Anyway, I was talking about feeling-crap-ness. The H.A.L.T. method basically works by examining why you're feeling the way you're feeling. For example if you feel really crap, it may be because you're hungry, because scientifically, when you're hungry the chemical crap in your body does random crap that basically just makes it easier for you to feel like crap. (I've thoroughly researched this, obviously.)

If you're not hungry, it may be because you're angry. Being angry wears you out, and all that heightened emotion can lead to a major down. Kind of like taking too much sugar, except instead being hyper, you're pissed off before the down. Loneliness is of course another thing that can make you feel like crap. The one thing people often get wrong about loneliness is that it doesn't take into account how many friends you have, close or otherwise, it doesn't even take into account whether or not you're attached to someone at the moment. No, you can be sitting in a huge group of your best friends and still feel lonely. Why, I don't know. Maybe they're ignoring you or something, but still you can feel lonely in situations like that. And that in turn makes you feel like crap.

And (you shouldn't be starting sentences with the word 'and' either.) finally, tiredness. This one's pretty straightforward. When you're tired, you basically just don't have the energy to exert that you would usually exert on not letting things get to you. Thus things get to you. Thus, you feel like crap.

I feel like crap.

And I know why. It's partly because I'm hungry, angry, lonely and tired. But only partly. I know just why I feel like crap. And I suppose I'll tell you.

Have you ever felt a certain way, and you knew that feeling this way was wrong? For example have you ever felt so relieved that one of your friends didn't get an opportunity they really wanted, because their not getting it means a higher probability of your getting it? Yeah. You know that feeling is wrong, don't you? You know that feeling jealous, and petty and angry and selfish is wrong on so many levels. Wrong because the person is your friend and you love them. Wrong because you're happy at their misfortune. It's just wrong.

Ever been able to stop feeling that way just by telling yourself to stop? Doesn't work so well, does it? And then, not only are you jealous and angry, but then you're guilty. And all this just compounds on itself to make you incredibly, unbelievable, immensely unhappy.

I know how you feel.

I'm jealous. I'm insanely, immensely, unbelievably jealous. I wanted something, I really did. I wanted something very badly. A friend of mine wanted it too. We both went for it. But he went for it harder. He went for it incredibly hard. And I didn't. I didn't go as hard as he did, because to get it, I needed a lot of help from other people. I don't like to bother people. I don't like to ask them for things. I don't like to need help. I heard in a movie once "if you trouble your friends, soon you won't have any." I think that's true. The way I was raised seemed to back it up at least. If you had a problem, your job is to figure out the solution. Yourself. Work at it. And fix it. You don't ask other people to help you fix it. You get off your ass, and you get it done.

So I didn't trouble these people. And you know what? I didn't get their help. And you know what else? I didn't get what I wanted either. This friend of mine? He bugged them. Oh, did he bug them. He went at it so hard, not giving a second thought to things like politeness, or dignity, or saving face. He wanted it and he went all out for it, not really caring what it was people thought about him. You know what? He got it. He got it. This wonderful, out of this world, awe-inspiring opportunity. He got it, and I didn't.

The first emotion I felt? Jealousy. Bitter, bitter jealousy. I'm happy for him of course. I am. I truly truly am. I know it. Because I'm not a completely horrid person. I'm happy for him. But the thing that bothers me, that makes me stop and think, is the fact that my jealousy outweighs how happy I am for him. Despite how much I love him. Despite the fact that it's my own damn fault that I didn't get what wanted. I'm jealous. I'm so jealous, and that makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty, because I feel two-faced. How can I smile at him and tell him "Great job, bro. You did awesome. Love you, man." and feel jealous at the same time?

It just doesn't make sense to me. It confuses me. It makes me feel...just bad. I can't think of any better way to describe the feeling. Emotions have never been a simple topic. Explaining emotions, thinking about emotions, or hell, even feeling emotions. Emotions are a huge ball of confusion and chaos.

I know that some people will read this and their reactions will go something along the lines of "What the hell are you complaining about? You tried to be all cool and "dignified" and you didn't get what you wanted, because you're a stupid ass." And you know, that's true. But not for the exact reason. This is the part that just makes me cringe the most. The part that makes me want to just give up at...life and say "To hell with it, I'm not getting anywhere anyway, two steps forward and three steps back."

Whoever you are who said that up there, you're right. I didn't go for what I wanted hard enough. Some of you would say, "Well obviously you didn't really want it all that much then did you, loser?" I know it looks that way, but no, that's not true. I wanted it. I wanted it so badly. It's what I want to do with my life, and I realize that my life is not all that impressive a thing at the moment, but still, I wanted this thing that badly.

No, the thing that gets me, is the why I didn't go for it. You want the simple answer? I was afraid. Afraid of so many things. I was afraid that if I went all out for it and still didn't get it I'd look like a moron, I was afraid that if I did get it I'd screw it up, I was afraid that people would resent me for getting it. I was too afraid to honestly expect myself to do well at it at all. I just went with the "Well, if I get it then great. If not, then oh well, try harder I guess," method of going at it. I didn't say "I'm getting it, no matter what. Hell don't even try to stop me because I'm so getting it." I didn't say that. Because I was afraid.

I was afraid and now I'm jealous, guilty, hungry, angry, lonely, tired, ashamed and upset.

And you know what? It's all my own damn fault. Before writing this post, I reread some of the old posts I made on this blog from over a year ago. I was scared then, too. I've been scared for as long as I can remember. Scared of the dark. Scared of failing. Scared of what people would think of me. Scared of trying. Scared of making people not like me. Just scared. Always, all the time. There have been times where I've thought "Hey, this is good. I'm not so afraid anymore," but I am. I'm just as afraid as I ever was. I'm just as cowardly and weak as I ever was. I haven't changed at all.

That's a depressing thought, isn't it? I've moved to a different church, to a different youth group, to a completely different group of friends, but I'm still the same as I always was. Still afraid. Still powerless and too frozen in place to do anything about it.

I'm still petty, and selfish, and mean, and small, and cowardly. You ever read those old fairytales? The ones where there's always a frail, tiny guy in the shadows who's pretty much useless but just- forget that. You've probably seen the Lord of the Rings. If you haven't, please get out from under that rock. Anyway, you've probably seen it. Now I'm sure you identify yourself with some character, right? Most guys would want to be Aragorn, or Legolas even, depending on which they think is more awesome. In truth we're all probably more like the cannon fodder soldiers who get massacred by orcs, but that's a different story. The point here is, if I were to liken myself to character from LOTR?

I'd be Wormtongue.

I don't know how many of you remember him. But when Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli arrive in Rohan and they go to see King Theoden, they find him weak and diseased, his mind poisoned by the words of his advisor, Grima Wormtongue. If you remember him now, then you'll remember what he's like. Basically? He's a coward. The only thing he's good at? Is saving his own neck. He'll smile and wheedle and be charming and smooth to soothe your temper, and the moment your back is turned? He'll spit at it. In the book, he actually murders Saruman by doing that. Except instead of spitting at his back, he jumps onto it and stabs him a lot of times I think. Or cuts his throat. Or stabs him to death while he's sleeping or something. One of those.

The point is, Wormtongue is a coward. He'll do and say anything to fool you, and maybe even himself into thinking he's doing the right thing. When push comes to shove though, he's no good in a fight, he's weak and pale and a sniveling rat basically. He's a snake in the grass and no one likes him. Everyone wants him dead because as a coward, he's useless. Once you know the truth about him, he has no more power.

That's me. I talk a good game. I'm good at talking. I'm good at helping, and giving advice and sharing myself and being the all around nice guy, and it's all because I'm so afraid that someone will one day find out that actually, I'm a coward. That I'm too afraid to even live my own life, let alone help someone get through theirs. I'm Wormtongue.

I'm too afraid to go for what I want, but when my best friend gets it because he wasn't, I'm jealous first. Not happy. Jealous.

At my core. I'm petty, small and mean. I'm a coward.

You know what's going to keep me up tonight, though?

That fact that in all the movies and books that feature them, cowards always get their come-uppance. And then they die. Horribly.

Such a cheery thought.

Goodnight

Jared

P.S. Such a cheery return post I've left you with, is it not? Pfft, happiness is for brave people.

*****

Can you break down but still be strong
When you disagree can you get along
When life doesn't meet your great expectations

When you look at yourself, tell me who do you see
Do you see yourself or who you want to be
Do you live up to your great expectations

You're looking, you're searching
You don't know if you'll find the answers
You're hoping something's gonna change

- Ali Slaight, Great Expectations

You vs. Reality

This is what I want to be doing.

This is what I am doing.

*****

ASSIGNMENTS FTL.

I'll be glad once I'm done with this institutionalized thing called studying. Don't get me wrong, I love learning. But studying has never been my forté (incidentally the French word fort or "strength." See what I mean about learning? I didn't read that in any of the books I've ever had to do for school. ~_~) Thankfully, after four years of the detestable practice, I'm going to be done.

I wish I had a countdown, but my wonderful course is such that I don't know the exact date of my emancipation.

This post is simply to say that, after more than a year of hiatus?

I'm back.

And hopefully, better than ever.

Oh yeah.

See you all very soon,

Jared