Tell Me Something Good

Tell me something good,
Tell me that you love me,

- Pink, Tell Me Something Good

*****

I feel like I'm letting everyone down.

I feel useless and worthless.

Am I letting everyone down? I don't feel good enough anymore, if I ever did.

I'm really really tired and I really really want a way out.

Sometimes it seems so long since I haven't felt this way. But I know that isn't true. I know that I've been happy and almost joyful in between these times. I suppose the smart thing to do would be to try and uncover the root of the problem. What is it that is making me borderline manic depressive.

Haha. I know that people are getting sick of me being this way. It's not something they have to say, I just know. I mean come on, who likes being around an unhappy person right? But then, that all becomes part of the vicious circle, right? No one likes sad people, so you pretend to be happy, but then you go home and hate yourself even more because you're such a fake and you don't know how to really be happy.

This is a stupid thing to type on your blog. But I needed to let it be known. I feel like I'm letting everyone down. Worthless. Stupid. Useless. It feels like I'm utterly devoid of any quality that would draw another human being. Honestly, I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of acting like it doesn't get to me. I'm tired of acting like I can handle it when I actually can't. I want to scream and thrash and curl up in a ball and bawl my eyes out and not have to move until I'm good and damn well ready to get up and start all over again. But that's not the way things work.

The way things work is, you have to get up every morning, and you have to get your game face on, get your fake smile on along with your suit and tie, or whatever. You have to step out of your house into the big bad world, or worse, step out of your room into your own home, and you have to play the game again. You have to play the game where everyone has to like you, where you have things you'd like to say to a person but you choke it back down in your gut because you weren't raised to say those kinds of things, because you're too much of a coward to say what you mean. You have to get up, and try to kill the hope that maybe, maybe today will be better than the day before because at least then if it isn't, or if it's worse, you don't feel so bad about it.

We all got our bad days. That's the stupid line I spout to people I care about when I'm cheering them up. In all honesty, if I could go back and relive my life. I'd do everything differently. I'd make my choices differently. I'd have told that girl way back when just how I felt, and I would have fought for her. I would have hit that guy I wanted to hit, and gone off on all those people who I always knew deserved it. I would have asserted myself, I would have been loud and crazy, and fierce. Not like this. I don't think anyone would ever choose to be like this. If I could sum up myself in one word that encapsulates every facet of me. Not just the choices that people see, but the whole myriad that they don't. If I could condense it all into one word, the only word I could find for myself would be 'coward.'

I have this group of friends who I love, make no mistake. We usually get our kicks by just making fun of each other, calling each other stupid names and making each other sound stupid. Truthfully, I've always felt stupid around them. I've always felt like I know nothing like I'm somehow beneath them. But usually I can laugh it off. Usually I can keep smiling and just say something like "Shut up! Haha." or "No, your face is stupid. Haha." But they came over tonight. And I couldn't. Just couldn't. I wanted to run, just get out of my own house. Haha. Far away from them so I wouldn't feel so small.

I read this thing recently, it went like this:

*****

I am me,
And being me,
I can only dream,

But if I were a tree,
I'd be a very tall tree,
I'd survey my surroundings,
And do all in my power,
To protect all the other trees,

But I am me,
And being me,
I can only dream,

But if I were a bird,
I'd have huge wings,
That would allow me to soar,
High into the Heavens,
So high,
So very, very high,

But I am me,
And being me,
I can only dream,

But if I were a flower,
I'd have vibrant colours,
And scents so sweet and inviting,

But I am me,
And being me,
I can only dream,

I am not a tree,

I am not a bird,

I am not a flower,

I am me,

And being me,

I can only dream...

*****

I think that sums up almost exactly how I feel. I don't know who wrote it, and I can't find it on the web. But I like it.

But I'd say this.

I can only dream,
But at least,
I am me.

Jared

*****

I had a dream that I could fly,
I can feel each moment as time goes by,
You'd never too far away,
You would always be here I heard you say,

I never thought,
Thought that it would be our last goodbye,
I still can dream,
That one day love will fall down from the sky,

Do you still remember,
All the time that has gone by?
Do you still believe that,
Love can fall down from the sky?
If from where you're standing,
You can see the sky above,
I'll waiting for you,
If you still believe in love

- Dennis Martin & Elsa Raven (The Legend of Dragoon OST),
If You Still Believe

Nobody

There you are,
In a darkened room,
And you're all alone,
Looking out the window,
Your heart is cold and lost the will to love,
Like a broken arrow,

Here I stand in the shadows,
Come to me,
Come to me,
Can't you see?

- Ricky Martin & Christina Aguilera, Nobody Wants To Be Lonely

*****

Okay, I've decided. I'm over you. ^_^ Not because I'm angry, not because I'm hurt. Not really because of any other emotion I have, it's more of a desire for self preservation. I would rather not set myself up for another round of "Whack-a-Jared" or some game that would just as painful to me. That is emotionally, of course. I find that trying to engage/have/sustain a relationship with someone who's made it clear that do not, and most probably will never want you in return as badly as you want them, is simply not worth it. It's not worth the stress, and it's surely not worth the heartache. I'd be better off being miserable alone. At least in that depression there isn't the knowledge that the other party is fine and happy enough without you to make it worse.

But anyway, I haven't put up this new blog post to whine about my relationship or more accurately, my lack of one. No, that first bit was simply because I was rather... hurt by some words I found the other day. So I made a decision. Anyway, this post is about well as usual, life. Haha. I find that I'm growing increasingly tired of the way things are. Upon reading this my parents will probably comment that it's because I am unmotivated and am currently wasting my life away at home and not amounting to anything. And in this assumption there are doubtlessly correct. So as a reasonable person, I suppose it would be the logical thing to say that I have thus forfeited my rights to whine about my life. And yes, I suppose I would be inclined to agree with that statement.

But tonight, I feel unreasonable. And thus I will allow myself to whine to my heart's content. Simply because I can. I'm going to bemoan how unfair life is, how cruel life is, how it seems to throw everything it can at you. Or at least I would, but frankly I find that I can't be bothered to do so. Everyone knows everything I could possibly write. Everyone already knows just how much life sucks, some more so than others, but really I don't think the degree to which it sucks for any one person really matters. Simply the fact that it is often nigh unbearable would be enough.

I'm tired, spiritually and emotionally more so than physically, though that has it's place as well. I'm angry and upset and I want to break something. Sometimes it feels like everything is spiraling out of control. It's easy to get caught up in... nothing. To the point that you forget what it felt like when your life meant something.

I love the fact that the people who I care about, who I invested my time in caring for, in helping to heal are whole again. Sarah and Ian, this is you. And maybe to a lesser extent Zoe, though you helped me as much if not more than I ever did you. I love the fact that I was able to do something for someone else. That I was useful if not necessarily valued at all times. I know we may not be 100% but then, who is right?

Sarah and Ian, my emo buddies. Haha. You're the best. I really don't know what I'd have done after Jern without you two. And truthfully, I don't know what I'd do without you even now. When things get crazy and threaten to topple us I know I can depend on you guys to be there with stupid jokes we can crack until 3am to keep each other from crying. I know that things aren't always necessarily perfect between us. But we try. And I hope that we'll always have each other to depend on because life just sucks way too much for one person to endure on their own sometimes.

I often wonder if I'd actually killed myself back when I was 14 years old, would it have been better than living the way I am now? But then, giving up isn't something I can stomach, and I hate people who kill themselves, it's stupid and cowardly.

This time however, I must give up. Because if I'm going to grow at all as a person, I have to let go of everything that's hurting me or holding me back. And it's a hard hard thing to do. I really wish I could make things different from how they are. I wish that I could maybe erase our meeting or make it so that she'd actually see me the way I see her. I've never even typed her name in relation to posts like these because it made it seem so final, so definite. Like if I typed it I was bound to stay enthralled to her forever because Id typed it, like a contract. So I never used her name. But I guess I can now.

Because this time, it's a contract that'll hopefully keep us apart. Frankly I'm not ready to take anymore chances. I'm not ready to reach out for another person again. I simply can't. I'm too afraid. Too... I don't even know what. It seems like I'm paralyzed by my own inadequacies. I simply don't feel good enough for you, Trisha. Never ever. And I'm glad I've finally written it. Hopefully I can leave this as a testament to my decision.

I'm letting go of you, Trisha Teo. Because I was stupid to try and hold on to you in the first place. I understand that now. Ugh. I sound so retardedly melodramatic here. But I mean it. I can't continue to hurt myself like this because if I do, I'll never ever be the way I'm supposed to be and I'll never be good enough for anyone. And that's a terrifying thought. I suppose the past few weeks, months even maybe, have been building up to this. Things simply haven't been the same since that time. I've tried, God knows I've tried to just be normal with you. I even thought I'd succeeded. But I suppose I failed without even knowing it. Now I guess the only thing left to do is for me to disappear from your life. I suppose you could call it a "people always leave" situation. But I think of it more as a... I don't have anything to say. Haha. I am leaving and I can't sugar-coat it.

I doubt I'll be missed. You'll be fine Trisha. I know.

*Deep breath* Anyway, that's over and done with. I'm so tired now. This post made absolutely no sense. It's an example of my writing at it's near-worst. I say "near-worst" because while I'm not sure, it could probably be worse than this. I don't know, though. Haha. I never write well when I'm emotional.

In summary, I simply want to say that, it's been a tiring New Year so far. I'm already beginning to wish it was over. Hahaha. I simply hate life at this moment. I'm sure I'll feel better after a good night's sleep.

So I'll just go now. At least there are no tears tonight.

Well none yet, anyway.

Goodnight.

Jared

P.S. I found this and thought it was super funny. Ahaha.

*****

Nobody wants to be lonely,
Nobody wants to cry,
My body's longing to hold you,
So bad it hurts inside,

Time is precious and it's slipping away,
And I've been waiting for you all of my life,
Nobody wants to be lonely tonight,
Why don't you let me love you?

- Ricky Martin & Christina Aguilera, Nobody Wants To Be Lonely

The Big V

It's so hard to say,
But I gotta do what's best for me,
You'll be okay,

I've got to move on and be who I am,
I just don't belong here I hope you understand,
We might find a place in this world someday,
But at least for now,
I gotta go my own way

- Vanessa Anne Hudgens, Gotta Go My Own Way

*****

Okay, the HSM series was lame. But some of the songs were nice! Sue me, I liked them. First and foremost all you people reading this.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

I love you. :D Because that's what today is all about.

I don't have much to say tonight. But In the 12 or so hours since my last post I've come to an epiphany. Of sorts anyway. I was reading "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge again. The book about men. It's seriously awesome. If I was gonna quote all the parts that I liked from it I'd probably have to quote like... 3/4 of the book. So I won't. But let me say what struck me while I was at McDonald's with Anne tonight.

We were talking about this girl right? And Anne says to me "Are you still on her? Come on, for-get about her man!" And I was like silent for a moment. And at that exact moment in John Eldredge's book he was talking about how if you want to recapture your heart you have to fight. And the first step to the fight is in your head. He was also talking about how men, when they feel less than men, when they are afraid that their all isn't enough will seek the validation they didn't get from their fathers or from their friends or whatever. Usually this leads them into a search for a beauty to fight for. And he says something I absolutely LOVE. He says that "While feminity can arouse masculinity, it can never bestow masculinity."

Basically he says that a lot of men look for a woman to validate themselves because they don't feel like real men. And sadly enough I can identify. But he says that something like that can't last because while the man's masculinity may be aroused for awhile, after awhile it dies off and his Beauty is left wholly unsatisfied wondering where the passion went. Of course this got me thinking about myself and my reason's for chasing my Beauty.

You see, this is my view. If I love a person, I want to give them the best of me. I don't want a person to be left wondering where the passion went halfway through. So I've decided, my Beauty to fight for can wait. At least until I'm strong enough to fight properly. I also know that letting go is one step, one swing of my sword in the battle. I want to reclaim the heart that I was supposed to have, before I give it to someone again. Reading this book makes you want to be crazy. (In a good way. I'm plenty crazy in all the other ways already. They're not necessarily bad but.... yeah, shutting up now.)

I'm letting go for now. I can't fight for my heart and try to give it away at the same time. It doesn't make sense. And I don't think it's physically, or emotionally possible anyway. I want to know that I'm the way I was meant to be before I try and become a part of this whole other entity. I don't how long it's going to take. But hopefully I'll be a better person at the end of it.

That doesn't mean I don't like that girl anymore. At least, I don't think it does, ahaha. But I cannot, cannot make her my focus. At least, not until I have my head (and heart) in the right place. It doesn't mean I feel any less strongly about her, doesn't even mean I'm not jealous of her stupid Korean boy anymore. But! I will be the absolute best I can be. (Then that Korean boy is gonna look so useless to her. Hahahaha! Kidding. >_> Sort of. :D)

That's all for tonight I think. In summary?

I'm going to reclaim my heart. The heart I was meant to have from the start. It's something fierce and dangerous, the heart of a warrior. The heart that I've been denied by my circumstances, by the environments I've grown up in. I'm gonna get it back (Or find it, either or.) Then I'll be back.

If you have NO idea what I'm going on about I really really recommend you read "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge. Seriously, it's gonna change my life.

Jared

P.S. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou. Happy Valentine's Day (again). I hate your Korean boy. ^_^ But I'm going to stop bugging you. And I'm going to back off. And we're gonna be good friends. 'Kay? And when I'm all good and proper, I'll be back for you! (Not in a stalkerish way or anything. You know what I mean.)

Ahaha. My feelings for you haven't disappeared. But I'm putting them on the backburner for now. I'll come back to them, though. And if you're not around then. Well like you say "Maybe it wasn't our fate." ^_^ Now for the last time in what could be a long time,

I love you.

Jared

*****

You always dress in yellow,
When you wanna dress in gold,
Instead of listening to your heart,
You do just what you're told,
If you keep waiting where you are,
What you'll never know,
So let's just get into your car,
And go baby go

Why not take a crazy chance,
Why not do a crazy dance,
If you lose the moment,
You may lose a lot
So why not?
Why not?

Oh, I could be the one for you,
Oh yeah, maybe yes maybe no,
Oh, it could be the thing to do,
What I'm saying is you gotta let me know

You'll never get Heaven,
Or even to L.A.
If you don't believe there's a way

- Hilary Duff, Why Not

V-Day: T-Minus 12hrs 45mins

Now that I've tried to,
Talk to you and make you understand,
All you have to do,
Is close your eyes and just reach hands,
And touch me,
Hold me close,
Don't ever let me go,

More than words is all ever needed you to show,
Then you wouldn't have to say,
That you love me,
Cause I'd already know,

What would you do,
If my heart was torn in two?
More than words to show you feel,
That your love for me is real,
What would you say?
If I took those words away?
Then you couldn't make things new,
Just by saying I love you

- Extreme, More Than Words

*****

From Wikipedia: "Valentine's Day or Saint Valentine's Day is a holiday celebrated on February 14 by many people throughout the world. In the West, it is the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending Valentine's cards, presenting flowers, or offering confectionery. The holiday is named after two among the numerous Early Christian martyrs named Valentine, though it was not associated with romantic love at that time. The day was a pagan festival of love, which was taken over by the Church that disapproved of its romantic and sexual connotations, renamed for "Saint Valentine" and made into a day for martyrs.

The day became associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished.

The day is most closely associated with the mutual exchange of love notes in the form of "valentines." Modern Valentine symbols include the heart-shaped outline, doves, and the figure of the winged Cupid."

I find that very interesting. Haha. Valentine's Day is tomorrow. I will be in Youth. And I have no problem with that. I'm sure a year or so ago I would have ditched them. Because, of course, I had someone to spend V-Day with. But this year is different. I find that I am not emo or depressed at all about my lack of a significant other. I think if he can make it out I'll be spending V-Day with Jared after youth. Haha. That may be a cause for concern in America, but here? I can hang with my buddy on V-Day without anyone thinking we're gay! Well, not more so than usual anyways. Hahaha.

Reading people's blogs and MSN usernames and such, I find a trend in an upswing. People who are single, being depressed because Valentine's Day is coming up. I've got people who've broken up just this week saying it sucks because they'll be alone on V-Day, and other people calling it things like "Super Singles Day" or "Emo Singles Day" Or "Makes Me Feel More Single Day" or "Singles Awareness Day" (S.A.D. Hahaha!) I have a question though.

Why is being single on V-Day any worse than being single at any other time? I mean, it's like I can just ignore the day. It's probably easier that it's not so widespread in Malaysia, in the States it'd be c-r-a-z-y. But here I don't know many people who spend copious amounts of time and/or money on Valentine's day. Doesn't mean they're not there, but it's just like, I don't know any of them. Let me however, get off my little tirade against these V-Day emos. And get onto my own opinions.

I don't believe that we require a day to show someone that we love them. I think V-Day is a good idea. I suppose some people do need a specific day to remind them that "Hey, I have to show this person I love them! OMGOMGOMG Chocolate! Cards!" But I don't see why, for so many it's such a significant day. Just because a person doesn't show you they love you on this specific day, does that mean they love you any less? If I show my significant other all year that I love her. Dote on her, take goooooood care of her, make sure she is happy happy, just because I do something on V-Day does that mean I suddenly love her more on V-Day? And conversely, if someone is a complete jerk to their significant other, does buying chocolate or a card on V-Day suddenly mean they love the person and everything is okay?

I can't agree. Some may argue that I fail to grasp the fundamental meaning of V-Day. But the thing is, there is no fundamental meaning to V-Day. If you would really like a meaning to it, it is an over commercialised day created by the card and chocolate and gift companies so they can suck more money out of poor saps who think they don't love their girlfriend if they don't do something for V-Day. Or those even worse off people who only do it because they don't want to get an earful from the aforementioned girlfriend.

In summary, I don't think single people should feel bad on Valentine's Day. Or at least, not feel any worse than usual. I'm fine being single. I've accepted being single. And Valentine's Day won't make me feel bad about myself just because no one returns my affections. This is a big shout out to all my single friends. Valentine's is just another day. Let it pass by. Just because we're single doesn't mean we have to be unhappy!

I love you my friends! Happy soon to be Valentine's Day!

Jared

P.S. To you. You know who you are. Happy Very Special Valentine's. ^_^ I love you! Take good care of yourself. Be happy. I will be here when you realise that Korean boy is a douchebag.

Hee. Just kidding. But you know I'm here for you anyways.

Loves

Jared

*****

Just one chance,
Just one breath,
Just in case there's just one left,
'Cause you know,
you know, you know,

I wanted,
I wanted you to stay,
'Cause I needed,
I need to hear you say,
That I love you,
I have loved you all along,
And I forgive you,
For being away for far too long,
I keep dreaming you'll be with me,
And you'll never go,
Stop breathing if,
I don't see you anymore,

- Nickelback, Far Away

Don't Have To Live This Way

And I'll be begging you, baby,
Beg you not to leave,
But I'll be left here waiting,
With my Heart on my sleeve,
Oh, for the next time we'll be here,
Seems like a million years,
And I think I'm dying,

What do I have to do to make you see,
He can't love you like me,

Why don't you stay,
I'm down on my knees,
I'm so tired of being lonely,
Don't I give you what you need,
When he calls you to go,
There is one thing you should know,
We don't have to live this way,
Baby, why don't you stay,

- Sugarland, Stay

*****

It's been a long while since I updated. I'll blame that on a lack of inspiration. Though maybe it's more a lack of will, lack of drive. I dunno. For now I guess we'll stick with the "lack of inspiration" one. It's a convenient enough excuse. I'm usually not a big fan of editing song lyrics, because that's not how the song is supposed to be. But if I'd left the above lyrics as they were I'd sound so gay. So yeah. I edited them. Just a tiny little bit.

I heard the above song on the Grammy's. It's so melancholy. But not pathetic malencholy like Taylor Swift's "Fifteen." It's like...a crying song. Haha. Well if Jennifer Nettles can cry when she sings it, I can cry when I listen to it. Not that I have cried. But it'll be a good crying song all the same. It's very good crying material. Anyway, off of that subject which I know Soon Seng will tease me mercilessly about later.

I was reading my old blogs today. I find that my writing used to sound far more...educated. I mean, my sentence structures, the words I used and such were far more appropriate. And the tone of my writing was different as well. I find it very odd. But I suppose it's because on those blogs I took it as writing articles of interest, whereas on my blog the writings I post up are of a personal significance to me and those to whom I matter in any way. But I want to post up some old pieces from my old blogs here. There won't be many, and you get a story at the end, so bear with me.

*****

"Love, real true, honest-to-God-love. Is a conscious decision. A decision that you are set aside for this person, that no matter what other hot chick comes past, what hormones may rage through you, you belong to someone and them alone. And you will wait. A decision you have to make every day, every single time that person annoys you or hurts you, you make it again. And it runs deeper than anything I know."

*****

I posted that as part of a post directly after I was dumped. I just like the way this paragraph was written and the tone taken in it. It's so passionate, a flair I fear I've lost a lot of in the past six or seven months. There doesn't seem to have been much to be passionate about. Or more accurately I feel like I've lost the capacity, the desire to be passionate about something. It's called associative learning. Like when you touch a fire as a child, you learn it hurts. So ever after, you associate the fire with pain and steer clear of it. And like so many people, when you've gotten into a relationship and been passionate and gotten hurt, ever after, you associate that feeling of passion with impending pain.

It's a digusting circle. But it's so, so easy to get stuck in.

Next excerpt.

*****

"So does that mean I can stop wanting to cry everytime I hear a love-song I used to sing? No. Does that mean everything is suddenly okay and I'm completely fine again? No. Does that mean that I stop hurting in any way? No.

But you know what? I'm going to keep singing my song. Because nothing, NOTHING and no one is worth keeping my song from the world. So I'm going to lift my voice strong, I'm going to run with all I have, I'm going to love with all my heart, going to live with all I've got. Bring it on. Hurts are going to come, no one ever promised life was going to be easy, but no one ever said you can't make yours count for something.

Seriously, these past few weeks, I've learned that giving up is easy. It's so easy to give up on life, so easy to give up on love, and people, and just everything you ever hoped for. If anyone ever tells you that giving up is hard? They're lying through their teeth nothing is easier. You just lay in bed until 1pm, then you get up and shuffle around the house wondering if anyone will talk to you. Or wondering if anyone is thinking of you. Then you lay in front of the TV for the rest of the day, eat if you remember, think about throwing yourself in front of a car or off your balcony, then go to sleep. It's really easy.

You know what's hard? Living. Picking yourself up after a fall that seems so bad you just want to lie there and hope you die. The hardest part is never falling, or laying down. It's getting up. Because when you start walking again? You still hurt from the fall. But in the long run, it's not worth it, she's not worth it, he's not worth it, they're not worth it. Nothing and no one is worth wasting your life for."

*****

That was a pretty long one. But I like it. It sounds so rebellious. So fierce. A feeling I could probably do with more of these days. I feel so passive at this point. Like, you know the point when, you haven't exactly given up yet, but you know your final surrender is imminent? Yeah, that's pretty much how I've felt for awhile now. Those paragraphs are something I needed to read. I don't feel that fire I used to carry around with me anymore. Reading what I wrote back then rekindles it just slightly.

I read recently that one of the things a man needs is "A Battle to Fight." I can agree. I feel like I've been giving up little by little. I need to start fighting again. I'm really really tired of it all. But if you stop fighting you're as good as dead. So I can't stop, can't ever stop. It's like that line in the first Riddick movie "Pitch Black" they have to get through the night and keep away these monster things. The monsters' weakness is light so they burn alcohol to make light and keep the monsters away. And as they run Riddick shouts back at them "Don't stop burning." My favourite line. It's as good as saying "Don't stop burning or you'll die." Don't stop fighting, don't lose that passion or you might as well die.

I'll be truthful here because this space is mine. This blog is mine, in the vastness of the universe it's barely an inch of significance. But within this inch, I am free. To pour my entire being, my soul into the words that flow from my keyboard. I wrote once that "Writing is a blood bond between the author and the story." That means you have to pour your blood into what you write. Pour everything you have into the words that come from your fingers. Your life has to be a part of what you write. And that is what I write here. My life. In small portions, bits and pieces, I'm pouring out my life to you, dear reader.

The highest aim of the author is draw you into the world they have created. J.R.R Tolkien did it with the Lord of the Rings. C.S Lewis did it with The Chronicles of Narnia. Can my aim be any less? The greatest writers draw you into their perspectives. They attach you to the characters of the story, they make you feel the fear, the excitment, the sorrow, the exultation of each and every heartbeat the characters experience. And that is what makes you love them. That is why the works of those writers will endure.

What separates me from them is a tiny, trivial detail. The world I endeavour to draw you into, is mine. The character whose feelings I try to get you to feel is me. That's why I can't write when I stagnate. Because I'm not feeling anything. Not in the strict sense of the word. I'm not living and so how can I invite you to be a part of my life? A life that, at that point in time, doesn't exist, or at least, isn't going anywhere.

The truth is, I've been afraid. In the same book as the "Battle to Fight" thing, I read that what each man fears is that he is not really a man. Is that his all is not enough. This is taught to him through experiences. Maybe he played baseball and he wasn't very good, but that was the limit of his ability. He could probably learn to be beter, but at that point in time, that was his best, his all. He gave his all and it wasn't good enough for his father maybe? At my youth group, once in awhile, when there is a new song for the band to learn or something, I get a ribbing because I don't know how to play the lead lines on the guitar. For those who know what I'm talking about, they will know that there is a difference between lead and rhythm guitar. Lead is way harder to play, when you hear someone doing a wicked solo, that's lead guitar.

I get a ribbing because I cannot play those lead lines. It's not that I don't want to, or that I won't. I simply cannot physically move my fingers fast enough. It's outside the range of my ability. With practice and hard hard work, yes, I could probably get better. But at this point in time, those lines are outside the range of my ability. My best is not good enough.

The same translates to the my life recently. After my rather spectacularly failed relationship, I've become so afraid to offer myself to anyone, even as a friend. Because it wasn't enough before, why should I believe it will be enough now? Thus it becomes easier to just hide. To stay away from anyone who can hurt me. I like someone. I like them. You could say I'm in love with them, but I wouldn't be so dramatic. And the thing is, I'm afraid. Before? I'd have given my all, my all to win her. Because, that's another thing men want "A Beauty to Fight For." That means you have to fight for her. But you can't fight with half of yourself. Like my friend Silas once told me when we were sparring, "If you even want to touch me, come at me as if you want to kill me."

I thought he was being a little melodramatic, but he was teaching me a life lesson, and he may not have even known it himself. If you want something, someone, you have to fight for them with all you have. So if you're afraid of offering your all, afraid it won't be enough, you'll never know.

I am still afraid. Because in all honesty, I don't believe being hurt on that level again would be in my best interests. I'm afraid. So afraid that I can almost feel that girl I like slipping away. Further and further, simply because I'm too afraid to fight for her. Simply because I'm afraid my all won't be enough, afraid that if I show my, all people will see that I'm not really a man.

*****

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

- Neil Gaiman

*****

I can safely say I know just how that feels. I know firsthand about the hurt, about the pain that seems to seep out of nowhere, about that tight feeling in your chest, about crying into the dark every night, heck, I even know about calling your mom into your room just to have someone to talk to then breaking down and crying like mad on her shoulder. I know just what it's like to have your heart ripped out. But you remember that old adage? "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I agree.

I know what love is. I firmly believe I do. I'm still afraid to fight for it now. It's so much more comfortable to just hide in my room, away from the world. Away from any more potential pain. But I know I won't hide forever. One day soon I'm going to burst out of my cage of fear. Once I'm good and ready. I won't let this feeling hold me back. There's so much to be afraid of. Like "What if I jump right out and fall flat on my face? What if I fail and never ever realize all the dreams I have?" But I can't afford to let it hold me back.

I'm going to be famous. I'm going to sing. I'm going to make millions and millions of dollars. I'm going to marry the most beautiful woman in the world by the time I'm 21, I'm going to have four children. I'm going to love my life. I am not going to stay this way forever. That's my dream. That's all it is right now, a dream. And right now I'm like a caterpillar hiding in his comfy cocoon. But soon, very soon, I'm going to break out. And I'm going to soar as high and far as I can. I swear.

Because there has to be more to life than this.

Now, I promised you a story, right? Some of you may know this one already. But it's one of my favourites. So I'll post it on this blog. It's a metaphorical story, the characters representing people I knew. But I won't spoil it. Here we go.

*****

The Moth & The Butterfly

Once long ago, in a land far away and unmarred by time, there dwelt a magnificently blue moth. He was the subject of adoration everywhere he went and was loved by all the creatures of the land. But one fateful day, this blue moth fell into the ashes of an old fire. The ashes clung to his wings, hiding his splendour from sight. And soon, the beautiful blue moth was forgotten, the now ugly and gray moth was despised and ridiculed.

But one autumn day, our ugly little moth meet a faded, silvery-pink butterfly. This poor butterfly's wings had been crippled since birth, as such she had never been able to taste the free air above the clouds like other butterflies, and was barely able to keep herself aloft. The two outcasts spent many a moon together, and soon, they found a love blossoming in their tiny hearts. They would spend hours together, the moth carrying the butterfly between his wings and taking her high into the sky she so dearly loved, yet was unable to reach. She loved the sky almost as much as she loved the moth, but no matter how many times she tried, he would not allow her to sweep the ashes from his wings.

Full of anger at the other creatures who had so harshly judged him by nothing more than his outward appearance, he swore never to remove the ashes from his wings. He told himself that he wanted to be loved for who he was inside, not what he looked like.

But alas, not long after this, the Queen of the Butterfly Kingdom learned of the romance between the moth and the maiden butterfly. The Queen was horrified, for you see, moths and butterflies simply do not go together. Angrily, she summoned the crippled butterfly to her throne-flower and ordered her to work twice as hard throughout the long, cold winter.

Our little butterfly worked herself to the bone, all that winter, finishing her work before any of the others, just so she could spend time with her beloved moth. At times, the moth would sneak into the Butterfly Kingdom and help his poor butterfly with her work so that they could fly together again, free from all worry above the clouds.

Now one fateful day, our little butterfly was one her way to her moth when a storm swept in from the north. The rain and wind battered our poor butterfly, shredding her wings until it was all she could do to keep herself in the air. But keep aloft she did. With each painful beat of her wings, she drew closer to her beloved moth, until finally, she lay beside him weak and dying.

With her failing strength, she drew herself up and swept the ashes from his wings as he slept. Before her, lay the most beautiful moth she had ever seen, his wings shone brilliantly blue in the fading light of the sun, so blue that he added to the glory of the sky above, and she smiled to herself, laying herself down beside him and closing her eyes.

When the moth awoke, he saw beside himself, not his faded silver-pink butterfly, but a stunning, glossy butterfly who seemed to radiate the colors that spread across her crippled wings. The moth didn't understand, maiden butterflies usually faded as they died. In tears, he asked her why and she calmly explained that since she had died doing something for he whom she loved, she was whole. And with those final words, the maiden butterfly died. And the moth's heart shattered.

But that was not the end, oh no, where the butterfly's body landed, a beautiful silvery-pink flower sprang up. A testament to her sacrifice.

The moth was admired again, creatures from far and near coming close to be his friends. None remembered the poor, despised maiden butterfly and her stained moth. They were forgotten as if they had never existed. But memories of the days when love had sung its brightest song lived on in the moth's heart.

However heartbroken he was, our moth couldn't pine forever though, and eventually, he married another moth and they had many children. And one fine autumn, as the leaves fell and the flowers faded around them, he brought his family back to where the silver-pink flower stood, still shining like the sun. Together, they spread its seeds as far as they could, filling the valley with beautiful pink and silver flowers - flowers that bloomed proudly through every season.

The End

*****

There you go. I wrote that for Jern. It's been edited a few times since its first writing. But the story remains unchanged. The moth and the butterfly fought long and hard for their dream, for what they wanted.

I can't do any less.

I won't.

Jared

*****

Why don't you stay,
I'm up off my knees,
I'm so tired of being lonely,
You can't give me what I need,
When he begs you not to go,
There is one thing you should know,
I don't have to live this way,
Baby, why don't you stay

- Sugarland, Stay (Chorus 3)