It's uncomfortable to see,
I give it away so easily,
But if I had someone,
I would do anything,
I'd never never never let you feel alone,
I won't, I won't leave you on your own,
But who am I to dream?
Dreams are for fools,
They let you down,
And I know that it's a wonderful world,
But I can't feel it right now,
Well I thought that I doing well,
But I just wanna cry now,
Well I know that it's a wonderful world,
From the sky down to the sea,
I can only see it when you're here,
Here with me,
- James Morrison, Wonderful World
*****
Well, it has been a nice long while since my last update. I've been keeping rather occupied as of late. Which is always good, no? Truth be told I've been feeling awesome lately. Completely on top of my game, king of the world. However you want to put it. It's not even that everything seems to have been going right. Because honestly, they haven't. I just can't seem to be bothered about them anymore. If I wanted to catch you up on all that's happened it would be a long, long, long tale. And not all of it pleasant either. Suffice it to say that I'm good and life is good. I won't even add that "for now" that I wanted to add to the end of that sentence. ^_^
I've come to the conclusion that, I like being single. I truly truly like it. After almost five years of skipping from one relationship to the next (not by choice, but meh) I think this is the longest period of time I've been single in five years. And I love it. I won't say that I don't feel that desire to have a special person to share my life with. But then, to be brutally honest. I just can't seem to be bothered. If you look at it, it probably is a terrible way to be. I don't want to be with someone because it's simply too much effort to initiate and then to upkeep a relationship. Not that I mind the work. But if it's going to be wasted again? What for, right? I like to know that my effort if for something. Toward something.
I've been thinking lately. I mean, I watch lots of movies and things. And there are really beautiful people in them. Like, for all we bitch about Hollywood giving us the wrong picture of beauty, we can't deny that there are beautiful people there. And when you watch them on screen just being with each other. Not necessarily sucking face (read: making out) or doing other stupid stuff but like doing just normal stuff like being a couple. Holding hands, leaning against each other. Yeah, you watch that and I don't know about other people, but there is that part of me that wants that. Fiercely. It even keeps me up at night sometimes.
Thing is, I'm beyond thinking I need that to define myself. I'm comfortable with who I am. I mean sure, I'm insecure sometimes (I know those two statements sound completely contradictory but it sort of makes sense if you think about it? Ahaha.) but I like who I am. Sometimes what people say or think about me does get to me, I'll admit to that. Sometimes I don't really like it when I'm being made fun of, even though I know it's just in good fun and no one means anything by it. But my point is, I like being me, without watering it down to fit into someone else's ideal. I'm a nice guy, but what I realised is when I'm with someone, I don't remember a time when I was really me.
My dad was talking at lunch today and he said that peoples' problem is that they think other people don't know how they really feel. They think people just believe what they say. See, in my head I have this idea of the perfect guy that a girl wants from my talks with girls of course. He's gotta be understanding, he's gotta be compassionate, and kind, and gentle and blah blah blah. The list goes on. And while I am some of those things, I'm not all of them. The problem is, I've tried to be. In finding that other person, I lost myself. When they did something that made me want to scream I wouldn't I'd say something cop out like "It's okay, baby. Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyehnyeh." Of course screaming at them probably isn't the best way to communicate how I feel. But I wasn't communicating, not really.
What I've found in my time alone is. I like myself. I'm not a perfectly nice guy. I'm not completely charming like I've tried to be. I'm not gentle or temperate. And while those are good things to be and to strive toward. No one is completely those things. Or if they are, they aren't completely something else either. Truth be told. I'm not nice. I'm mean, I'm sarcastic, I'm rough and not completely gentle. And I like being that way. I like myself. I realise that watering myself down for the benefit and comfort of someone, no matter how much I may love them is stupid.
Yeah, I mean I have the capacity to be sweet. I've been sweet on occasion. I can be gentle and caring and all that. But at the end of the day, those are things that I work on and strive toward. That aren't completely part of my character just yet. The person I love, should love me. Not some over idealised idea of me. The real me, the mean one, the one who loses his temper sometimes, the sarcastic one. That's me. And I figure, I'm done trying to fit some stupid dream guy dynamic. There's no such thing.
Why should I conform to someone else's ideal? If they want me, then they can bloody well want me for the real me, no? I've only just come to this realisation. It makes me feel so free. I'm just me. And if I end up single for the rest of my life, well... that would SUCK, but eh. That's just the way it is, right? I'd rather be single and happy, than be someone I'm not and miserable.
That's not to say I've stopped dreaming. That's not to say that I want a love any less fiercely than I ever did. Heck, that's what humankind is so often defined by isn't it? The search for love. I want a girl I can hold, and love and sayang-sayang to my heart's content who won't squirm away and who won't tell me to "Stop it, so embarrassing!" Or "I'm not in the mood la." (though upon further thought I wonder if a girl like that exists? Ahaha.) I really really do. But I'm content. Wholly so. Right now. It doesn't make sense when I type it. It's like I want something so bad, but I'm happy without it anyway. Like, what kind of a desire is that? But that's just the way it is.
Nothing about emotions is really simple is it? But I know who I am now. What I want.
I'm truly truly happy. It's funny.
Really I don't know if anyone who reads this will understand what the hell I'm getting at. I suppose it's just one of those things someone can't ever tell you about. It's something you need to experience by yourself. Like that first kiss, or... uhm... the wind on your face at the top of a mountain, or floating in the sea with your eyes closed. It's such an "Mmmmm...." feeling. That's probably the best way I can describe it.
Does that mean I'm gonna stop looking at girls? Ahaha. Hell no. Does that mean I'll stop liking people. Not even close. It just means that, I don't need someone else to define me. You can't be half of a whole if you aren't whole yourself to begin with, right? Haha. I'm so profound! I'm not whole yet. But I think...I think I'm well on my way. :)
Mmmm... yeah.
Jared
I've come to the conclusion that, I like being single. I truly truly like it. After almost five years of skipping from one relationship to the next (not by choice, but meh) I think this is the longest period of time I've been single in five years. And I love it. I won't say that I don't feel that desire to have a special person to share my life with. But then, to be brutally honest. I just can't seem to be bothered. If you look at it, it probably is a terrible way to be. I don't want to be with someone because it's simply too much effort to initiate and then to upkeep a relationship. Not that I mind the work. But if it's going to be wasted again? What for, right? I like to know that my effort if for something. Toward something.
I've been thinking lately. I mean, I watch lots of movies and things. And there are really beautiful people in them. Like, for all we bitch about Hollywood giving us the wrong picture of beauty, we can't deny that there are beautiful people there. And when you watch them on screen just being with each other. Not necessarily sucking face (read: making out) or doing other stupid stuff but like doing just normal stuff like being a couple. Holding hands, leaning against each other. Yeah, you watch that and I don't know about other people, but there is that part of me that wants that. Fiercely. It even keeps me up at night sometimes.
Thing is, I'm beyond thinking I need that to define myself. I'm comfortable with who I am. I mean sure, I'm insecure sometimes (I know those two statements sound completely contradictory but it sort of makes sense if you think about it? Ahaha.) but I like who I am. Sometimes what people say or think about me does get to me, I'll admit to that. Sometimes I don't really like it when I'm being made fun of, even though I know it's just in good fun and no one means anything by it. But my point is, I like being me, without watering it down to fit into someone else's ideal. I'm a nice guy, but what I realised is when I'm with someone, I don't remember a time when I was really me.
My dad was talking at lunch today and he said that peoples' problem is that they think other people don't know how they really feel. They think people just believe what they say. See, in my head I have this idea of the perfect guy that a girl wants from my talks with girls of course. He's gotta be understanding, he's gotta be compassionate, and kind, and gentle and blah blah blah. The list goes on. And while I am some of those things, I'm not all of them. The problem is, I've tried to be. In finding that other person, I lost myself. When they did something that made me want to scream I wouldn't I'd say something cop out like "It's okay, baby. Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyehnyeh." Of course screaming at them probably isn't the best way to communicate how I feel. But I wasn't communicating, not really.
What I've found in my time alone is. I like myself. I'm not a perfectly nice guy. I'm not completely charming like I've tried to be. I'm not gentle or temperate. And while those are good things to be and to strive toward. No one is completely those things. Or if they are, they aren't completely something else either. Truth be told. I'm not nice. I'm mean, I'm sarcastic, I'm rough and not completely gentle. And I like being that way. I like myself. I realise that watering myself down for the benefit and comfort of someone, no matter how much I may love them is stupid.
Yeah, I mean I have the capacity to be sweet. I've been sweet on occasion. I can be gentle and caring and all that. But at the end of the day, those are things that I work on and strive toward. That aren't completely part of my character just yet. The person I love, should love me. Not some over idealised idea of me. The real me, the mean one, the one who loses his temper sometimes, the sarcastic one. That's me. And I figure, I'm done trying to fit some stupid dream guy dynamic. There's no such thing.
Why should I conform to someone else's ideal? If they want me, then they can bloody well want me for the real me, no? I've only just come to this realisation. It makes me feel so free. I'm just me. And if I end up single for the rest of my life, well... that would SUCK, but eh. That's just the way it is, right? I'd rather be single and happy, than be someone I'm not and miserable.
That's not to say I've stopped dreaming. That's not to say that I want a love any less fiercely than I ever did. Heck, that's what humankind is so often defined by isn't it? The search for love. I want a girl I can hold, and love and sayang-sayang to my heart's content who won't squirm away and who won't tell me to "Stop it, so embarrassing!" Or "I'm not in the mood la." (though upon further thought I wonder if a girl like that exists? Ahaha.) I really really do. But I'm content. Wholly so. Right now. It doesn't make sense when I type it. It's like I want something so bad, but I'm happy without it anyway. Like, what kind of a desire is that? But that's just the way it is.
Nothing about emotions is really simple is it? But I know who I am now. What I want.
I'm truly truly happy. It's funny.
Really I don't know if anyone who reads this will understand what the hell I'm getting at. I suppose it's just one of those things someone can't ever tell you about. It's something you need to experience by yourself. Like that first kiss, or... uhm... the wind on your face at the top of a mountain, or floating in the sea with your eyes closed. It's such an "Mmmmm...." feeling. That's probably the best way I can describe it.
Does that mean I'm gonna stop looking at girls? Ahaha. Hell no. Does that mean I'll stop liking people. Not even close. It just means that, I don't need someone else to define me. You can't be half of a whole if you aren't whole yourself to begin with, right? Haha. I'm so profound! I'm not whole yet. But I think...I think I'm well on my way. :)
Mmmm... yeah.
Jared
*****
Hold on to what you try to be,
Your individuality,
When the world is on your shoulders,
Just smile and let it go,
If people try to put you down,
Just walk on by don't turn around,
You only have to answer to yourself,
Don't you know it's true what they say,
That love it ain't easy,
But you time's coming around,
Dream of falling in love,
Everything you've been thinking of,
When the world seems to get too tough,
Bring it all back to you,
Don't stop never give up,
Hold your head high and reach the top,
Let the world see what you have got,
Bring it all back to you
- S Club 7, Bring It All Back
EDIT: I just remembered. My birthday is coming. Ahaha. I'm 18 in about a month. ^_^;; Dowan. I give you presento listo next time~!
Jared
