In The Quiet

Pros Of Not Talking To Anyone:

- My phone bill is lower.
- I sleep a little earlier.
- I have time to do other things.

Cons Of Not Talking To Anyone:

- It's too damn quiet.
- I feel lonely. ^_^
- I lose my conversation skills.
- I feel LONELY.

So the remedy is,

SOMEONE SHOULD BLOODY WELL TALK TO ME.

I'm sick and tired of chasing people around and feeling unwanted anyway. It's very disheartening.

That's all,

Jared.

P.S. I know you're angry at me. I said I was sorry God knows how many times already. I don't know what else to say or do. Sorry.

You know where to find me if you want me.

Jared

Call Me Irresponsible

Call me irresponsible,
Call me unreliable,
Throw in undependable too,

Do my foolish alibis bore you?
Well, I'm not too clever,
I, I just adore you,

So call me unpredictable,
Tell me I'm impractical,
Rainbows I'm inclined to pursue

- Michael Buble, Call Me Irresponsible

*****

"You have to try, 'cause if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

- Anthony Hopkins as Bill Parrish, Meet Joe Black

*****

This is a story about a boy. There, an innocuous enough beginning to an innocuous enough story. This boy, was your average teenaged boy with all the hormonal problems and mood swings that come as part of the package. But he was skinny, and didn't play sports, he didn't think the same way other guys thought, and didn't see things the same way either. Maybe it was a byproduct of the way he was brought up, but that was how he was. And while he could revel in it every now and again, deep down he never felt right. He never felt as if he belonged. Not to this particular era, not to this particular world sometimes.

So then, this boy began to lose himself in another world. In the world of books, and roleplaying, and anime. And in this world, his world. He could be whoever he wanted to be, do anything his mind could conceive. He could be a hero, he could be brave, and strong, and powerful and everything he felt he should be. But still, he couldn't live in that world forever, and one day, when he stepped out of it, he found that the real world, the world he had been living in all along, had left him behind, and now more than ever he did not fit in. Indeed, could not fit in.

That didn't stop him however, no not this boy of ours. He took everything he learned from his world. From the world he'd imagined into existence, and tried with all his might to bring it to bear in the world he now found himself stuck in again. But all it did was isolate him further, because the inhabitants of this world could simply not understand him. Where he saw ideals, they saw naivete. Where he saw opportunity, they saw failure. Where he saw strength, they saw worthlessness. Yet he didn't give in, in fact he fought just that much harder to stay true to himself. To the person he knew he was.

And like all good stories, in this one, our boy fell in love. And as luck would have it, he fell in love with the most beautiful girl in the world. (To his eyes at least, because isn't that how everyone sees their partner?) But alas, this girl that he was enamoured of spurned his advances. Not out of spite, or malice, but perhaps out of fear? This didn't deter our boy, though. He kept his love alive, secretly. And admired her from afar in the only way he knew how. He became her friend.

Together they weathered the storms all friends must face, and all the while he kept silent and bottled the feelings he had for her deep within himself, trying to forget. But he could not forget. Slowly his other friends moved away to other parts of the globe to make their own lives. The group he had built around himself to support him began to come apart and crumble, or so he felt. Yet through it all, he held on to his hope, that one day, she would notice him. Then he would belong.

And then, she fell in love. Not with him, no. With another. And it seemed that he would break in two. "Will she try everyone before noticing me?" he wondered. It all but broke him, and he felt that in that moment, he could throw his dreams away and retreat again to that world he had created for himself. His world of fairy-tales. But he could not. While he'd stayed in the real world, he had aged, grown past the point of no return, and no longer could return to his world. He knew it wasn't real, and once you have found that knowledge (as everyone knows) the door to that dreamworld is closed to you forever.

So it came to be that the boy was stuck here, in the world he so hated, unable to retreat, too afraid to advance. Like a ship blown by brutal winds. And here the story ends, for what became of the boy, no one yet knows.

But that was not the end, truly.

It was just the beginning.

*****

I have no idea where that came from. I started writing a metaphorical story, then that stuff just came out. *shrug* People have been telling me to blog. So I did. At least it's semi-well-written, right? Hahaha.

I really can't think of anything else to write, so I'm going to sign off here.

Jared

*****

I find her standing in front of the church,
The only place in town where I didn't search,
She looked so happy in a wedding dress,
But she cried as she was saying this,

"Boy I missed your kisses,
All the time but this is,
Twenty-five minutes too late,
Though you've traveled so far,
I am sorry you are,
Twenty-five minutes too late."

- Michael Learns to Rock, 25 Minutes

Open Your Eyes

Take time to realize,
That I am on your side,
Didn't I tell you?

Take time to realize,
This all can pass you by,
Didn't tell you?

- Colbie Caillat, Realize

*****

You know how they say you never know what you had until you lose it? Mm. What's funny is, sometimes you don't even know you had something, needed something. Until it's gone. I find it hilarious that my source of solace in the past week or so has been my ex-girlfriend. Someone whose reasons for breaking off our relationship I still don't understand. Someone who I tried very hard to hate for a very long time. It's funny how you can't break that bond of love, no matter how hard you try. True, the love changes shape, changes to fit the new sort of relationship, but you can't lose the connection. And to some degree, the dependence.

For those who know who I'm talking about, they'll know. Jern left yesterday. For the United States. And she's not coming back. I'm happy for her. I'm happy that she finally gets to escape like she's wanted to for so long. I'm happy that she's free now, to flourish. To be who she is, to learn what she wants, to feel and grow and just live to the fullest of her potential. To do everything that she couldn't while she was caged here, in the palm of her parents' hand.

But that doesn't make it any easier. Trisha said to me once, "My life is full of 'people always leave' situations." And I can understand that. It does seem that way sometimes. This year, people are going to leave. People I've grown up with, someone who's like a brother to me is going to leave in four days. He'll get his own post. It is easy to begin to think that people always leave. It is really easy to feel alone when someone you've depended on for a long time up and disappears.

I was watching The Crow today. It's Brandon Lee's (Bruce Lee's son) last movie. And it's pretty B-Grade. But at the end, this girl narrates, and she says.

"It's always hard to lose people you love. But you know how not to lose them? You never stop loving them."

I like that. I can do that.

But it doesn't make being left any easier. Trisha wrote in her New Year's Resolutions on her blog, "I will get used to being alone." That's a noble aspiration, to a certain degree I suppose. I've been trying. It's not a natural state for me, I think. I like having people around me. People I care about. I like getting texts from people I care about. And I will text them incessantly. So much so that sometimes, I worry that they tire of me. I know what it's like not to have enough space from a person and start to wish they'd leave you alone.

So I experiment. I don't text anyone. I see who texts me. Because, I don't want to be that annoying attention-whore. And my phone stays silent. Until Ian texts me. Or Jern texts me. And I realize I've misplaced my affections sometimes. Now Jern's gone. And Ian's leaving. And it's gonna be even harder. And truthfully, I hate the thought of it so much that it makes me cry. But I guess I've learned something.

You never lose someone, until you stop loving them. And I'll never stop.

This is for Jern

Jern. My love, my sister, my friend. I miss her already. Yeah, there's emails and stuff. But anyone who's ever had someone they care about leave will tell you, it's just not the same. Not the same as knowing they're there for you at 3am. Not the same as knowing they'll text you when no one else seems to care enough to. Not the same as having them near enough to smile at, or hug, or cry on. No, it's not the same. I know people won't understand. My parents don't understand. I doubt anyone else I know could understand. But in some capacity, I will always love this girl. Because that's what I was made for.

But that's life. Nothing ever stays the same.

In the end, I guess all we can do, is to never stop loving.

Ever.

Jared

*****

You're the one who held me up,
Never let me fall,
You're the one who saw me through,
Through it all,

You were my strength when I was weak,
You were my voice when I couldn't speak,
You were my eyes when I couldn't see,
You saw the best the was in me,
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach,
You gave me faith 'cause you believed,
I'm everything I am,
Because you loved me

- Celine Dion, Because You Loved Me

The Face

I have only one thing to say tonight.

"God's in his heaven, all's right with the world."

This is my face as I forget all the crap that's happened.

I learned a valuable lesson here. If you smile like an idiot? It really helps you be happy. Second best? Is looking at yourself smiling like an idiot.

Today was a Golden Day.

It wasn't a necessarily perfect day. But it was grand all the same. I'm glad I woke up this morning.

Gotta blaze,

Jared

*****

The sun'll come out tomorrow,
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow,
There'll be sun,
Just thinkin' about tomorrow,
Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow,
'Til there's none

- Annie, Tomorrow

Abracadabra

Take this sinking boat,
And point it home,
We've still got time,
Raise your hopeful voice,
You have a choice,
You've made it now

- Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova, Falling Slowly

*****

Ever seen a magician make something disappear so completely that you wonder if it ever existed at all? He makes it look so simple, yet you know there's more behind the trick. Behind the illusion. The screwed up thing is, people think that life works that way. That it's simple like that. But it's not. You can't just say "Abracadabra" and wave your hands and make everything disappear. People do it in their own lives and it's a good thing sometimes. I can dig it. I mean, you can turn on the happy-switch and be happy anytime in anything? Fine by me. Go do that and good for you.

But you can't wave a magic wand at someone else's life. What's so often forgotten, is that people aren't light switches. You can't just turn on the guy's happiness by saying "Stop being emo. Be happy." you can't nag him into being happy. You cannot do anything to make him happy. It's easy to berate a person for being down. It is. It's really easy to lose patience with someone who won't take your advice, who persists in feeling sorry for themselves. It's so easy to go off on them. The thing is, that doesn't really help things, does it? In the end, they'll pretend to be happy. Just for you. Just to get you off their back, just to get everyone else off their back. But the problem isn't gone, is it?

The hard part? Is sticking it out. Is saying "No. I care about you. I love you. And I'm here in whatever capacity you need." Yeah, it's true that sometimes people need a good slap in the face. Sometimes they do need you to put it to them that "Hey, other people have it a lot worse than you." But if we're being honest with each other, how often is that? How often does berating a hurting person make them any happier. How often does nagging a person with an inferiority-complex make them feel any better about themselves? What people need, is solidarity. And something a lot of people don't get is, the people who draw away the most? Are the ones who need you the most.

I've known people to give up on other people because the other person drew away, because they "Couldn't accept help." or "Didn't really want to feel better." Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. WRONG. What people don't see is that the strongest, most plaintive, most needy, desperate cry for help is the silent one. The one where the person hides that part of themself from view behind layers of masks, or "emoness." Think about it. A person who wants to commit suicide, they don't talk about it. They just do it. People who cut themselves don't tell you about it. They just do it. Why should it be any different? People who need you aren't going to say so. Sometimes, I doubt they even know it themselves. They just do. They need you fiercely.

I heard it said once "Smiling faces hide the worst hurts." Or something to that effect. My dad, said it. About me. See, what is hard to grasp for many, is that just because you haven't been through the worst situations in the world. Just because your experiences aren't as bad as that other person's, doesn't mean your wounds are any less deep.

The people I care about, the people I love, should be happy. That's the way I think. That's the way I live. The thing is, that doesn't mean I'm happy. It's easy to over-romanticize the process. It would be easy to say something like "I give and give and give, but then, what do I have left?" But that's not the point. The point is, I don't have a me.

I was talking to someone the other night, and I said "I don't have someone who texts me all the freaking time to check up on me. I don't have someone who is so anal about my happiness that I think they're a psycho." See the people I care about? They have me. Maybe they don't want to talk to me all the time. That's fine, I'm used to that. But when the shit hits the fan, so to speak, I'm here. Here to talk to you at 4:30am even though I went to sleep at 4am. Here to make you laugh when you feel like crying. Here to listen to everything you say and tell you it'll be okay. That's me.

And when my time comes? Who do I got? I've got people who are busy. People who are tired. People who can't stand my emoness. People who are hurting just like I am. People who don't care. People who can't be there. People who jump in with advice before I need it. I'm not complaining. Really. I love my friends. I love them. I would swim the oceans for them. I'd give my life thrice over, move heaven and earth to be there for them.

But I want the record set straight. I'm not an emo person. By nature? I'm not. I'm happy, really, I am. Thing is "Some hurts go to deep, some wounds just won't heal." It's not something you carry around, it's not something you can throw away. It's something that's on you. Like a cut that you keep rubbing salt into. I don't know how else to describe it. It's something, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much of yourself you try to leave behind, no matter how much of yourself you try to give to others, no matter how much of yourself you try to hide, you can't escape it. You can't escape that gaping wide hole that's taken up residence right in the middle of your chest.

The point is, there are things that you just can't let go of. Things that you have to learn to ignore, and live with. This hurt, I've always had it with me. I just used to be better at hiding it. But I can't hide it anymore. It's too big for me.

I'll carry it. I'll carry it even if it kills me.

But just for the record?

I want to disappear.

No one will notice.

Abracadabra.

Jared

*****

Scratching at the surface now,
And I'm trying hard to work it out,
But so much has gone misunderstood,
And this mystery only leads to doubt,

And I didn't understand,
When you reached out to take my hand,
And if you have something to say,
You better say it now,

Cause this is what you've waited for,
Your chance to even up the score,
And as these shadows fall on me now,
I will somehow,

Cause I'm picking up a message, Lord,
And I'm closer than I've ever been before,
So if you have something to say,
Say it to me now

- Glen Hansard, Say It To Me Now

Two-Oh-Oh-Nine

It's 2009. Finally, or more like, so quickly? Haha. I haven't decided yet. When I just sit back and don't think too hard on it, it seems like this year has passed inexplicably quickly. But when I do take time to think about everything that's happened? It seems as if it would never have ended. Indeed, couldn't have ended fast enough for my liking.

A week or so ago Trisha said "At the stroke of twelve, it'll be a new day. And tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be." This time, it will be a new year. A big deal. It's as if a page has been turned and the next page is just coming into focus. There's no way to know what's coming. It's exhilarating, if only because the mere thought of it is so terrifying. But all in all, I don't think I know a single person who isn't glad that the new year is here. Actually, that's a lie. I probably do know them. I just don't know who they are. I suppose what I meant to say was that I didn't know anyone who could look back on this year and not regret a single thing. That's a little harder to debate.

Everyone's going to do it at some point, people are already posting up their New Year's Resolutions and such, so I'll do it before anyone else I know. Before everyone's blog floods with posts about last year, and hopes and dreams for this new year. I'll post mine. A word of warning. This may be my longest post yet.

This year has been insane. In many respects. But it wouldn't do to begin with those, they're the most thrilling to read. Haha. I'll begin with the mundane. It's surprising the things you can learn about yourself in the short span of a year. It's surprising the things you begin to notice, the things you begin to change, the things you begin to want, and need. It's surprising the type of person you can become in the space of one year. I doubt if I spoke to myself, one year younger, he'd tell me he expected to be anything like me. It's true, that circumstances play a huge role in shaping who you are. If you let them, I suppose would be the general argument, but no. Even if you don't. It happens. Whether you like it or not.

In this year. I've become someone I never expected, and honestly, never wanted to be. A neurotic. An obsessive, compulsive neurotic. Circumstances beyond my control helped me along the way. But what I realise is, I was well on the way all on my own. Trisha was berating me for my weakness a couple of nights ago. For the allowances I make for myself when it comes to emotions, in particular, negative ones. What I've come to see is that.

I'm not ready for 2009.

I've not done what I wanted. I've not become who I wanted. I've not gotten where I wanted. And it is, all my fault. My ideals and hopes and dreams. Nothing's happening. Because I haven't been moving. Haven't been growing. (In a positive sense. Sure I've learned a lot from crap experiences, but I'd hardly call that growing.) And so here I sit. In my room. In the dark. In my empty house, and outside the fireworks are going off. And the people are shouting. And I'm in here. Writing this to you, fighting tears. ^_^

I realise. I am exhausted. I'm tired of this life. Sick and tired of it. Tired of counting the years. And I'm nowhere near as excited as I should be for this New Year. There are too many unknowns. Too many variables for me. It's far easier just to be afraid of the hurt that 2009 will bring than to hope for the joy. But I will hope. Later. Right now, I don't want to think about it.

I told someone not so long ago, that to me, New Year's holds no special significance. It's just another day. Just another cycle of 24 hours where, it doesn't matter if you're a good guy, it doesn't matter if you're the most evil guy in the universe. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor or smart or stupid. Just because it's the New Year, doesn't mean the world stops sucking. I'm not being a damp cloth. I'm putting things in perspective. Out of 365 days in the year, what makes the first special? What makes it worth the world's while to stop sucking? Nothing. So yeah, I can appreciate the symbolism of the year turning. I can be happy the 2008 is over and I get a fresh start in 2009. But no, January 1st? Holds no meaning for me. It's just another day.

I didn't always think this way. No, I really didn't, at the end of 2007 I was just as light and hopeful and bright eyed as everyone else. But last year? Wasn't good. And I suppose it just left me slightly jaded. I think I've just come to a point where I'd rather not expend energy hoping. And I'll enjoy the good things when and if they come. I'm sure, years from now, I'll look back on this night and think to myself "How could I have been so depressing?" I can almost see myself thinking that. But right now? It's all real. And I don't feel the promise of 2009.

It's probably odd for someone like me to be writing something like this. It's probably odd that I, I the incessant hyper-freak, the loud one, the one who's always so anal about making sure everyone around him is happy, the one who worries about everyone's happiness; could write something like this. But you know what? After this year? I'm really not looking forward to the next.

It's like, when you reach into a box of chocolate. And get something that you absolutely hate. When you go to reach in again, you aren't exactly jumping with anticipation, and understandably so. That's how I feel. I'm not unhappy that 2009 is here, but I'm not overly happy about it either. One thing I know for certain? Is that I'm relieved 2008 is done with.

2009 is rife with possibilities. I know. At every turn something new crops up. And there's gonna be crappy times. I know. And once in awhile, happy times. Perfectly blissful times. And it's going to sweep by like a gale, and before I know it, it's going to be 2010. But for 2009? I do have a resolution. Not a whole bunch. Just one. Because Lord knows, sticking to one is already hard enough.

So here's my New Year's Resolution.

I'm going to be me no matter what.

To be honest, last year sucked. I hated almost every moment of it. Utterly hated it. There were good times. I'll give it that. But I hated it. Specially the last six months. And I let it change me into something I'm not. This...negative person. This tense person. This neurotic. This paranoid, broken, pathetic little person. And you know what? I'm sick of that too.

So this year? I'm going to be me. And I know that not everyone is going to love me. I know that who I am won't make it easy to just survive in the world the way it is now. But I don't care. I'm beyond caring. I'm going to be me. Because who else can I depend on?

I know that this year?

- I may not get what I want.
- I may not become what I want.
- I may not do what I want.
- I may not win.
- I may not make it.
- I may be hurt.
- I may be upset.
- I may be broken over and over again.

But I also know that. I'm not the only one. There are others who have things they want that will never materialize. People who will hurt far more than I could imagine. And so, for them? I will be me. Because:

- I believe in people
- I believe in honour.
- I believe in love.
- I believe in justice.
- I believe in ME.

I'm reminded of a scene from the movie Love Actually . After this guy professes his love to KeiraKnightley's character. He walks away from her house looking dejected. But as he walks, he straightens up, and says to himself, "Enough now." Then he smiles and walks on. My favourite scene. So right now? I'm going to make that me.

It's enough. 2008 hurt, and it's still hurting. But I've had enough of letting that stupid hurt dictate who I am and what I do. I've had enough of being a victim. I've had enough of compromising left right and center. I've had enough of having hurts piled on me over and over until I lose sight of who I was in the first place. I. Have. Had. Enough.

I'm not ready for 2009. I'm still stinging from 2008. I'm still reeling from a hammerblow, and not ready for the next to land. But you know what? 2009 doesn't care.

So yeah. Bring it on. I'm standing strong this year.

Jared

New Year's Eve

The house is empty. Everyone is out. I didn't want to go.

Downstairs I can hear people celebrating.

The clock hasn't struck twelve yet. Not for another hour and ten minutes.

The house is quiet. The room is dark.

I know that out there somewhere, my friends are celebrating.

And I know that when they are done celebrating. I will be remembered.

Hopefully.

So I wait.

Jared

Knight In Not-So-Shining Armor

Oh, if there's one thing I hang on to,
That gets me through the night,
I ain't gonna do what I don't want to,
I'm gonna live my life,

Shining like a diamond,
Rolling with the dice,
Standing on a ledge, I'll show the wind how to fly,
When the world gets in my face,
I say,
Have a nice day

- Bon Jovi, Have A Nice Day

*****

I love that song.

I've been thinking lately, and I've decided. I have not been very good at holding to certain ideals of mine. Not the important ones. I couldn't ever let go of the important ones, even if I do get so upset sometimes. I'm too stubborn to stop. But a certain few, I haven't been so good at. It's never easy though. I mean I was reading today at work, it's a book by Michael Crichton, Timeline. It's fictional, and basically about this group of historians who travel back in time (the explanation in the book is much longer and essentially much more convincing. But that's basically what they do.) in order to piece history together more accurately. But as usual something goes wrong and they get stuck there and have to rescue one of their members.

Anyway, there is this character, who is basically obsessed with all thing Medieval. He can joust, and swordfight, and wear armor, and speak Middle English, Latin and Occitan. During the beginning of the book, when they're still in the present, you can sort of tell that most of the other characters think he's nuts. I read this today and was like "Haha! So true..."

*****

He remembered how Marek's (The character in mention) intensity had always amused the other graduate students - "Can you imagine? He really believes this chivalry shit!" - and how they had assumed his behaviour was some kind of weird posturing. A role he was playing, an affectation. Because in the late twentieth century (this book is that old. :D) you couldn't seriously ask other people to think that you believed in honour and truth, the sanctity of true love, the defense of women, and all the rest of it.

- Michael Crichton, Timeline, pg. 346, Knopf Hardcover Edition 1999, ISBN 0-679-44481-5

*****

And that's true, isn't it? How can you expect people to believe that you're really a person who could sincerely believe in these things. Especially in this time and age. In an age where women are raped, where men steal from other men, kill them. In an age where people are downtrodden and have no means to speak out against the outrage. How can you possibly expect people to believe that you're a person who can hold on to such "outdated" ideals. But here's the thing. I believe in them. All of them. Honour, truth, the sanctity of true love and the defense of women. (Well maybe not so much the last one, I know girls who could kick me from here to Sunday.)

At the end of the book? The guy decided to stay in the past and let his team go home. And back in the present, which is over 500 years later, they manage to find him in historical texts and visit his sarcophagus. You know something? I was so jealous when I read that. I've said it over and over again, I never felt like I belonged here in this time. And yes, I'm sure there's a reason I'm here. But I don't feel like I belong. I've always felt like, I should have been at Troy, or fighting in the Colosseum for my life, or at the head of a barbarian horde even. Not here. Not in tame Malaysia in 2008 sitting up at night typing Blog posts on my PC.

But then, I'm here. And all I can do is somehow try to apply those ideals and morals of mine, to a world that no longer accepts them. And I suppose that is, in essence the cause of the majority of my hurts. I'm not living in this time, technically speaking. The way I live, the way I choose to live, isn't something that fits in with the way society today is. Okay, sure. Back then people talked about chivalry and still raped and pillaged and hacked pregnant mothers to bits. I'll give you that. The Medieval times were violent and dangerous. But people st least still believed back then. You could really be a knight in shining armor, and people adored you. You were accepted because those were the ideals of the day. Though not everyone adhered to them.

Just like the ideals of today are "money buys anything" or "do what you want, life's too short." or "life's a joke." Not everyone adheres to those ideals. My ideals are Medieval. Some might say backward, or unrealistic. But the world had those ideals once. And I don't see why it can't have them again.

I'd have made a good knight. I'm not bragging. I mean, I probably would've been a lousy swordfighter, a lousy jouster, and maybe only a passable archer. (Historically knights didn't practice archery, though. Archers were commoners who were paid a wage, this paved the way for the militia and mercenary system we use today. And knights were in great danger of archers. Quick history lesson.) But I'd have made a good knight. Knights were supposed to protect their vassals and upkeep their train. They were meant to be the protectors and succors of their people. Yeah, there were probably a whole lot more bad knights than good knights. More greedy, corrupt knights than just and benevolent knights. But I bet there were good knights. And I'd have been one of them.

My point is. I doubt it was ever easy to have these ideals, even when they were "in fashion." Yeah, it was probably a little easier way back then, but not by much. Bleh I'm just rambling. I'm going to stop here.

Basically?

Ideals. We need them. A standard to hold our lives to. And it's not always easy holding to them, I know. But if we don't even have them, we're like Tom Hanks in Cast Away after he throws away his oars.

This post barely made sense. ~_~ But I already wrote it. And It's so long. So I'll post it up. I was totally planning to write something else, though. Blehhh.

Waaaai~

Jared

This Should Be An Official Holiday

OMG OMG OMG!!! It's...

WORLD KISSING DAY!!!

Tomorrow anyways. That sounds like the BEST day in the year. xD That'll be fun. I don't have anyone to kiss. ^_^;; But still it's WORLD KISSING DAY. Ahahaha. Can't WAIT!

I don't know why I'm so jazzed about this dumb event. It's pretty depressing if you ask me. But I don't care. It is WORLD KISSING DAY SOOOOOOOON. I can't get the info for it off Facebook -_- Stupid FB has been hanging a lot lately. Oh wait, it just loaded. So here's the info! I think EVERYONE should do it. Kisses are awesome.

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30.12.08 WORLD KISSING DAY '08

Just for one day let's put aside all kinds of hostility, let's remove from our heads all
negative thoughts and all rivalries between colleagues or friends!

Let's end 2008 in a great way! How to do that? That's easy!..let's kiss everyone we know!
It doesn't matter what kind of kiss it's gonna be. You can choose the one you like! It could
be a kiss on the cheek, a kiss on the lips, on the hand....it doesn't matter the way you
kiss each other!

To take part in the World Kissing Day '08 you need to invite most of your friends on

Facebook! Who knows, maybe we'll be able, for a day not to hear bad news on TV and we'll be
able to end 2008 with a good laugh!!!

JOIN JOIN JOIN JOIN!!!!!!

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Yes! The title is a link to the event info on FB. Gooo seeeeee!

That's all for now. WORLD KISSING DAY report tomorrow! Yosh!

Maybe I'll post up a less hyper post later...

Waaai~

Jared

Playing Hero

Even if I tried,
Even if I lied to you,
It wouldn't make it any better,
Well now, even if I lose,
The one that I would choose would be you,

Said I'm waiting for you, and I'm waiting to know you,
But I don't even understand myself,
So don't ask me why, don't ask me why

- The Calling, When It All Falls Down

*****

Happiness is a choice. I believe that. Firmly. I really do. But I also believe that sometimes, things get too heavy. Sometimes, the walls that you built for yourself crack and fall, just a tiny little bit. And then, "Fake it 'til you make it." doesn't work so well anymore. It's easy to throw a lot of things away. It's easy to let some things bounce off you. To let things slide. To tell yourself "He didn't mean anything by it, it was just a moment of tactlessness. People have those." Or to believe that "It's okay. It's okay. They needed it more than I did." Sometimes you can even get yourself to fall for the "I'll be here no matter what because they/he/she needs me."

But sometimes, sometimes, you have to open your eyes, and see the truth. And sometimes, it isn't pleasant. He did mean it that way. They didn't need it, they just took it to spite you. And no, they/he/she doesn't/don't need you. And then, pretty much all bets are off. Sometimes, for all your pretty ideas and romantic fantasies. No matter how strong you may be, how stubbornly you can cling to your ideals, it just isn't enough. Sometimes. You just fail.

It's easy to be strong. And noble. And brave. It's easy to have ideals and dreams and hopes when you have a reason. When you have something that waits for you at the end of the road. Something that you want so fiercely. But sometimes, that thing disappears. Or you realise, you don't really want it. Or maybe you just can't have it no matter how hard you try. Then it's not so easy to be strong or noble or brave. It's not so easy to hold true to your ideals, or hold on to your hopes and dreams.

If there's anything I've learned these past five months. It's that life is not easy. The plan is easy. The plan is always easy. Knowing the steps is easy. But taking them is hard. Moving forward is hard. I live my life, for people. To care about people, to protect people. But have you ever watched one of those comedies where the hero comes rushing in to find that the people took care of themselves and never needed him at all? That'd be me.

I'm not an attention-whore. I'm not. Maybe I have an ego. Maybe I'm peransanted. But I'm not an attention-whore. But I want to be needed. There's no point fighting for anything, protecting anything, being strong for anything if they don't and never did need you. But heroes don't give up. They don't back down, and they don't stop just because things get ugly.

If there's anything I've learned from all the stupid comics I've read, and anime I've watched, it's that heroes refuse to fall. But I've learned something else recently.

I'm not a hero.

There's no damsel in distress waiting for me to rescue her. No burning building, no big bad guy to knock around. All my words, all my "I believe in you" and "Don't give up" and "It'll be okay." They don't mean anything to anyone. I don't have the power to make everything okay. I don't have the power to make anything okay. All I can do is be here, all I can do is try to be here. But it's kind of like standing next to someone who doesn't notice you. Every so often they'll turn and go "Oh, you're still here?" but apart from that, you may as well be invisible.

I'm tired. I really am. I'm not a hero. Nobody needs a hero. And nobody wants a hero wannabe. I can't be perfect like those heroes. Can't be perfect like, Edward Cullen, can't be self-sacrificing like Spiderman, can't be pure and just all the time like Superman. All I can be is me and it's never enough. And I'm tired of not being enough. I'm tired of never being good enough, or macho enough, or smart enough, or mature enough, or responsible enough, or good looking enough. I'm sick and tired of it.

Right now, I don't want to try anymore. I want to just hide away from everyone forever. Or at least until I'm good and ready. Until I'm sure I can stand on my own without anyone ever. I don't want to play hero anymore. I've met my Kryptonite, my Venom, my whatever-it-is-that-kills-vampires-in-Twilight. And I just can't do it anymore. Right now, it'd be easy to give up and just..die. Just let every part of me that ever yearned for heroism disappear. Let whatever is noble in me die and just be me. Forget about everyone else. Become just like everyone else and care only about myself.

But inside, where it matters, I know I can't. I know that when I wake up tomorrow, I'm going to start hoping again. I know that the second I open my eyes, I'm going to think about whoever it is that needs me. I'm going to steel myself again and get ready to be who I want to be, to do everything I can to be that hero. Because that's who I am, a stubborn idiot who doesn't know when to give up.

My Pastor's wife (Sarah) said to me today while we were playing Taboo: "Relax, it's just a game. You're such a typical 17-year-old."

My neighbour (Andrew) replied her: "I don't think he's anything like a typical 17-year-old."

It's things like that which give me strength. I'm different. I'm special. I'm worth something. I know all this. I know that if I keep at it, someday I'll be a hero to at least one person. Someday I'll mean something, I'll be great. I know I will.

But for tonight. I'm tired. And I don't have anything left to give. So I'll put aside the cape (metaphorically speaking, I don't actually own a cape) and cowl (neither do I own a cowl) for tonight. Because tonight? It's too much. I just can't handle it anymore. Tonight, I get to be weak. Tonight I get to hurt and cry and not feel guilty. Just for tonight, I won't worry about if she's hurting. I won't worry about how to protect her. Or how do I make it up to that person. I won't worry about how to cheer her up, or why she's upset.

Tonight, I get to be weak.

Just for tonight, I'll let myself hurt and wallow and cry.

Just for tonight, I'm no hero.

I'm no hero...

Jared

*****

I can't stand to fly,
I'm not that naive,
I'm just out to find,
The better part of me,

It may sound absurd, but don't be naive,
Even heroes have the right to bleed,
I may be disturbed, but won't you concede,
Even heroes have the right to dream

- Five For Fighting, Superman