Friday, December 24, 2010

In The Dark Of The Night

"Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."

- Stephen King

*****

People get emotional in the night. Maybe it's that primal fear that every human being holds for the darkness. You don't know what's out there, waiting for you. Or maybe it's that, at the end of the day, we're winding down, tired and worn from whatever it was we happened to do (or not do) during the day. Whatever the reason, the night is the time when all our fears, all our anxieties and insecurities make themselves manifest in our minds and in our hearts. In the darkness of our rooms, behind our closed doors, that is when the loneliness sets in. That is when we have a few moments' peace, a few moments of complete and utter solitude before we fall asleep, and in that quiet, our minds work.

That's something I've always noted about myself at the very least, it's at night that everything seems to fall away and I'm left there with just myself and my thoughts. In recent years my thoughts have been...a little more fearful than before I'd suppose. When I was much younger I used to be afraid of dying. I didn't know how I was going to die, or where I was going when I did. I didn't know if it would hurt, or if there was anything after death. And I was terrified, I'd cower in a corner of my bed and cry, and some nights, when it got really bad, I'd pad over to my parents' room and crawl into bed with them.

I find that as you get older, everything grows with you. Your wants. Your dreams. Your desires. Your fears. I found that as I grew, I found something much bigger to fear than death. It's called life. Life is far more frightening than death. I know where I'm going, or at least, I believe I do, so there's nothing scary about death anymore. Life has so much more that I'm uncertain of, and any man fears uncertainty, no? There are a myriad of things that I have no assurances of. I have no assurance that'll I'll be good in my chosen field. I have no assurance that I'll actually find a girl to marry. I have no assurances that I'll make all the money I want to and get all the things I've wanted. There are no assurances in life, and that's one of the scariest things of all.

But it's not the fear that gets to me in the night. Not anymore. I'm used to the fear, I'm used to choking it down deep in my gut and ignoring it. I'm used to pushing past it and pretending that I'm not at all afraid, that I've got it all under control and I know what I'm doing. I do that, because I hope that if I pretend for long enough, one day all those things about myself will be true. But no, it isn't the fear that gets me. Not anymore, I'm used to the fear and I'm learning, step by step, to move past it.

But there are a great many things that rear their ugly heads in the night aren't there? As teenagers, I know the great monster that so many of us fight. I know his name, and I know what he does, and I know that everyone battles him at some point. This monster is called loneliness. In the past two weeks I've spoken with a few of my friends about it, and in the years I've spent on this earth, I've lost count of the number of times it's come up in conversation, not to mention the number of times I've wrestled with it.

Loneliness is the thing that makes our insides twist themselves into tight knots, it's the thing that squeezes at our hearts and makes it feel like we're going to burst. Loneliness is the thing that makes us curl up close to our pillows in the middle of the night, shut our eyes tight and try to imagine someone who loves us is in our arms, someone beautiful and perfect, and warm. And it's so much worse at certain times isn't it? At times when there's nothing to do. At times when we're afraid of something and we need some support. At times like this, when Christmas is around the corner, and having someone 'special' to share it with would make everything so much sweeter. I know that feeling. I know it all to well. It's a feeling I carry with me every moment of every day. For the past two years.

Loneliness doesn't care if you have a myriad of friends who love you. Loneliness doesn't care if you're the most popular kid in school. Loneliness doesn't care if your family is wonderful or if you're real strong emotionally. Loneliness simply doesn't care. It doesn't discriminate, it strikes when it wants, and sometimes the sting doesn't fade, not until it strikes again, making the hurt or the anxiety seem perpetual.

I was talking to a friend of mine earlier tonight, and I said to her "I'm used to being alone. I have been for two years now." At first glance, I'm being an ingrate. To the parents who love me, and the friends who do their best to support me. And I know that on some level, yes, I am being ungrateful, and yes, they do deserve much much better. But that's the thing about loneliness, remember? You feel alone regardless, and many many many times during these past two years, I've felt alone. Mostly when I'm by myself, in my room, after dark. When all the world around me is quiet and the gears in my brain begin to turn and I start to think and hope and dream and regret. That's when it get loneliest. At night. It can hurt too, so bad that I need to wrap my arms around my knees, bury my head under the blankets and squeeze my eyes shut as I go "lalalalalalalalalala" in my head to stop the bad thoughts.

That's the thing about being human though, isn't it? We can adapt to any situation. We change and learn and evolve just so we can survive. In my case, I know what's happened to me. Or at least, I think I do. I do it to all things that hurt me. I tell my friends this all the time. Embrace it. Don't like a name people call you? Embrace it, accept it into yourself, take away its power to hurt you. Make it a part of you. That's what I've done with loneliness. I think, in some way, I've allowed this monster that I fight, define me. It's a part of my life, feeling lonely. I've always seen myself apart from others. Different. Strange. Not fitting in.

It used to hurt a lot more. But recently I find that... it doesn't. I just don't care. I wonder if that means I've grown up just a little, that I handle it better than before. That loneliness has lost some of its hold over me, or if I've just given up. If I've just accepted that this is all there is to life, being lonely and carrying that burden around with me the rest of my days. It's all very romantic to think about, being alone. Being misunderstood, standing apart.

But what I think it all boils down to, is that everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to feel loved. There's a part of themselves they want to give away, and specially at times like Christmas, a season of giving, they want to give that part of themselves. And when they find that there isn't anyone to receive it at the moment, it gets lonely. There's a part of me that wants that. That wants to give itself to another person, to love them, and pamper them, and protect them and smother them with my affections. That's the part of me that dreams of a beauty to fight for, a damsel in distress to rescue. The part of me that builds himself cloud castles in the sky and wishes on shooting stars.

I left that part of me behind for a long time. Didn't want to carry it. Thought not feeling it. Not wanting it, no bothering about it would make me stronger. I thought that if I didn't love, that I wouldn't get hurt. Two years I lived like that. Because I was afraid of feeling alone. Because loneliness hurts oh, so much.

But hey, it's Christmastime.

So I'll give myself a present. I guess I'll pick that part of myself up again, dust it off, and set it back in its place of honour somewhere inside of my. I know it's going to hurt like hell. I know that I never really stopped being lonely, I just accepted loneliness as a fact of life. That isn't the way we were made, I don't think. Not to be alone. Not to fumble through life blind with no one to take our hand and lead us to light.

I think it's time to give myself a present. I'll let myself hope, and dream again. I'll let myself want again and want fiercely enough to fight and go for what I want. I think I've healed enough, stored up enough strength, and learned enough lessons to be ready to do that. At least I hope I have. Either way, it's time to stop going it alone. It's time I stop trying to be the wounded veteran, old and battle hardened, world weary and full of experience.

What can I say about these past two years? Only this:

I loved.
I lost.
I hurt.
I broke.
I grieved.
I fought.
I stumbled.
I fell.
I was defeated.
I gave up.

I learned.

There comes a time though. When you've learned all you can about a certain area. I know all I will ever need to know about being alone. I think it's time I learned more about what it's like to walk together.

That's probably the best present I could give myself at this point in time.

After all, it's Christmas.

Merry Christmas guys,

Jared

*****

"Loneliness is the first thing which God's eye named, not good."

- John Milton

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Doubt vs. Faith

From yesterday, it's coming!
From yesterday, the fear!
From yesterday, it calls him,
But he doesn't want to read the message here

- 30 Seconds to Mars, From Yesterday

*****

Doubt is one of the most human emotions to experience. If it's an emotion that is. It seems to be an in-built part of of nature to question - well pretty much everything, really. From the moment we wake up to the moment we go back to bed, there probably isn't a moment in the day when our minds aren't constantly questioning some facet of our existence. Now of course, some of those facets are mundane, like "Should I get out of bed or sleep in for five more minutes?" but we question them anyway. We worry and over-analyse and use up an incredible amount of neurosis on this practice, and for what we aren't really sure.

That's the thing about doubting, isn't it? About questioning. There are never really an answers. I know I doubt. I'm full of doubt. Maybe more full of doubt than others because I've always been a more cerebral being. I live in my head a lot. I like logic and sound reasoning and facts (then again, I've proven to be a rather emotional being too, huh. Maybe doubt is a combination?) I try to have faith because you know, "Blessed are those who have not seen and still believe." But it's hard sometimes. Not just to have faith in God, but to have faith in myself, and the world, and my friends.

I doubt.

That is an integral part of my personality. I question and I worry. I wonder if I've really got what it takes to make it in the career path I desire for myself. I wonder despite myself and despite everything, whether or not there really is a God, and if there isn't, then is this really all there is? Worrying and being anxious until the day I die, only to cease to exist? Is it all for nothing? But there are never any answers. No matter how much time I spend in my head, no matter how long I worry, there are never any answers. Nothing concrete, no set plan that I can look at so I can know all my steps ahead of time.

"A man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." I wonder a lot of the time if I'm actually going anywhere. God's word, walking with God has been likened to being surrounded by the dark, having just enough light to see the next step you need to take, and the next, and then the next. You can only ever see the next step. You can't see the big picture, you have to trust that the light you follow isn't leading you off the edge of a cliff, or into a lion's den. You have to trust that if you just keep walking, keep following that light, that someday, someday the light is going to explode into brilliance and show you the glorious panorama that its been leading you toward all your life.

That's what faith is, I suppose.

Trust.

I guess it's learning to trust yourself, despite the failings you know you possess, despite the fact that you don't know whether you're strong enough to reach your goals or not. I guess it's learning to trust in God, despite the fact that you've never seen him or touched him, despite the fact that you have no idea where that light may be leading you. That's the nature of faith, I suppose. The nature of trust.

I was watching this new series I've become hooked on lately. It's called Battlestar Galactica. Very awesome. But in this series, one of the main characters is Admiral Adama, and in the middle of season two, he's shot twice in the chest by a person who he trusted like a daughter. This person it turns out, was a sleeper agent who was activated and programmed to kill him. A long time later, this person is let out of the brig after swearing her loyalties to Adama again. She's reinstated as an officer and entrusted with a very important mission. This is the scene that got me the most. As she was stepping on board her fighter, she turns to the Admiral and says:

"How do you know you can trust me? How do you know I won't turn on you again?"

He replies, "I don't. But that's what trust is."

That's what trust is. That's what faith is. It's believing and hoping. And praying that you aren't wrong about it all.

I think human beings are complicated creatures. I know I am. I'm cowardly but inside me, there's something fierce, I can feel it. I have doubts and worries, but at the same time I choose to believe that there is a God and that He loves me. I think a lot, I logic things out, I reason, but I'm an emotional being, I act irrationally I get angry or upset and my logic and reasoning goes out the window.

To be human is to be a paradox. It's never being just one thing. And I think that's the thing that confuses us the most, the thing that makes us doubt. Deep down, we know ourselves. We know that in our core, is something little and dark and mean, something both frightened and frightening, fearful yet angry, something that's biting and clawing and screaming as it tries to get out. Truthfully, sometimes it does get out. Sometimes I get so angry I can literally feel it rising up in my chest, choking me. Sometimes I get so upset I can feel that hand around my heart, squeezing until I feel like it'll burst. Sometimes, I get jealous and fearful, sometimes I covet and I envy and I hate. Those are the things it's easiest to dwell on, aren't they? The things that make us small. The things that make us stop and think, "Hey...if I'm this way, how can I ever reach that goal? How could God love me? How could that girl like me if she knew what I was really like? How could I ever succeed?"

I don't know the answers to that. I really don't. Despite all my doubting and worrying, I'm no closer to any of those answers. All I can do is trust, trust in myself and trust that God knew what he was doing when he made me and planned my life. All I can do is trust that there is some reason for my being here. That there are "plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future."

Here's the thing about paradoxes though. There are always two sides to them. That's why they're called paradoxes, because they're two things that are completely contrary to each other, co-existing in a single entity. So yes, sometimes I get angry. But sometimes, I temper that anger with...well I don't know what it is exactly, but I know I want to be better than that. To rise above that. Sometimes I'm jealous, but I temper that with love, I want my friends and my family to succeed and to have everything they dream of. Yes sometimes I get so upset it physically hurts, but sometimes I'm so jubilant I feel like I'm floating seven feet off the ground. And sometimes I'm afraid - scratch that - a lot of the time I'm afraid. But you know what? Sometimes I'm brave too. Sometimes, I don't give half a damn what anyone thinks about me or what I want to do, I just do it. Sometimes, I don't give half a damn whether I fail or not, as long as I try. Sometimes, I feel like I can do anything.

Some might say I'm ruled by emotion. That's probably true, in part. Everyone is. Everyone. Some control their emotions better, and I'm not going to say whether that's a good or bad thing because I don't know.

But I'm okay with that now. I'm okay with not knowing. I'm okay with just believing and hoping that everything I've done up to this point wasn't in vain. I'm okay with that. Because that's what faith is, it's believing even though you doubt. It's believing, even though you know how weak and cowardly you may be. It's believing, even though you can't know for sure if God is real until you die. It's believing that those little things you feel, those urgings and little hints that seem to direct your life are the work of a higher power and not just your mind working at more than its prescribed 10% limit. Doubt defines faith. One without the other wouldn't mean anything. See? Paradox?

So do I have any answers now? Nope.
Am I any less afraid than I was before? Nope.
Am I any less angry? Nope.
Any less small and mean deep down? Nope.
Do I know definitively that God exists? Nope.

But the real question is. Do I still believe? Do I still hope despite those things I know about myself and those things I don't know about God and life and girls and rocket science?

Answer? Yes.

Because that's just what faith is.

Jared

*****

But in the meantime we've got it hard,
Second floor living without a yard,
It may be years until the day,
My dreams will match up with my pay,

I got a girl to stick it out,
And make a home from a rented house oh,
And we'll collect the moments one by one,
I guess that's how the future's done oh

- Feist, Mushaboom